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[parodeity]

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[parodeity]

[ yeah, okay. give dave like three minutes before he follows with a blank expression, hands in his pockets. he'll just sit at the kitchen table and let dirk do whatever he's gonna do. ]

[splinten]

[Three minutes is a long time. Dirk can only assume it's proportionate to what kind of mistake he made. He starts making a simple breakfast, enough for two. It's the kind that would be easy to digest for someone who tends to have trouble eating when he hates himself.

So Dave, mostly, but Dirk sometimes.]

You said you thought he wanted you to be more competitive.

[parodeity]

Probably? [ it's a vague guess and sometimes he's sure about it and sometimes he isn't. trying to read bro's motives even with years of perspective is still an impossible task. ] I wasn't whatever I was supposed to be, that's really all I can say.

[splinten]

[It's stupid. Dirk spends a ridiculous amount of time trying to understand Dave in turn.]

The idea of you acting competitively towards me after your last words of the night being a declaration that you need to change for me—[Well. He breaks off.] Did you really want to race?

[parodeity]

[ do dirk a favor and don't let him ever compare trying to understand dave to trying to understand bro or he will bsod and then dirk will bsod and then where will they be???

dave's eyes flicks up from the table, which was fascinating. ]

I don't know. Maybe? I want to - [ vague shrugging motion. ] I just wanted to fuck around.

[ it wasn't a serious offer but it wasn't...not serious? it was a request to do something stupid and not think. he wasn't that concerned with the outcome. ]

[splinten]

[no let's just burn everything down]

Do you want to build that DDR machine?

[parodeity]

[ they're halfway there, dave's just sitting there thinking how much he hates himself for like. not even being able to play-fight with his brother??? so?????? ]

Sure. [ he has zero interest in the ddr machine now but his objections are...equally zero, so why not. ] Didn't have plans today anyway.

[splinten]

[God. Dirk breathes. He puts the food on the table. He sits down across from Dave.]

Are we in a spiral of blaming ourselves for each other's self-blame right now?

[parodeity]

...Probably? If our history is anythin' to go by.

[ however, dirk is wrong and dave is right about who is to blame, obviously,,, ]

It's obviously not anyone else's fault. Hey, if we want to have a really good time we can argue about who was at fault for like, the dinosaurs. And whatever.

[splinten]

Me, obviously. [Re: dinosaurs, and also everything. He frowns.]

We could try to figure out how to make it stop.

[parodeity]

Workin' on it. [ terse and without inflection. he meant exactly what he said the other night. ]

[splinten]

[It won't work. He stops himself from coming out with that from tearing down another choice. From walling Dave in more.]

What's your way of workin' on it?

[parodeity]

Learnin' different. [ although he's not sure that even matters? but he can't make any choice right now so he may as well just learn to cut off caring so he can. ] I know what's right so it ain't gonna be that hard to mesh with it.

[splinten]

Could we... Would you be willing to talk with me about tryin' another way to work on it?

[This one will only make Dirk hate himself more. He can't say that though. Dave always wants him to say how he feels but right now he is sure the best thing he can do is stay calm and try to follow along.]

[parodeity]

[ dave looks at dirk across the table for a minute and thinks "right, that doesn't work either" and nothing does and he's going to break it worse talking about it and he wants to be someone else doing something else, a bird or a caterpillar or an atom with nothing in his head but the simplest of things and finally it slides into place, the layer of ice or water or a universe between dave and everything he doesn't want to feel. he settles, breathing evening out. ]

Sure. [ it's so much easier to lean back in his chair, slouching like he usually does, and let it happen. ] What other options did you think up?

[splinten]

[Oh no. He sees it happen, and it kills him.]

Pause.

[Dirk looks down at his food and he tries to eat instead of splintering.]

[parodeity]

[ sometimes when dirk says pause dave asks what he needs or draws back and tries to recalibrate or does more than just...stop.

this time he just watches dirk eat, realizes he hasn't eaten in too long, and comes up blank on any reasons not to eat. so he does that, since dirk made enough for two, anyway. he's not super interested in the food but he's not super interested in making himself sick for no reason, either. ]

[splinten]

[Dirk will finish his whole meal in silence. When he's done, when he's done what he's supposed to do, he looks up at Dave again.]

Are you doing the dissociation thing?

[parodeity]

[ dave eats most of his meal? so there's that. which leaves the dishes to be done as a task to slot into place, so he stands up to collect them. it's an easy x is true so y should happen situation, just like "i'm hungry, i should eat" removed from everything else that complicated it.

he takes dirk's dishes, too, to ferry to the sink for washing. ]

Probably.

[splinten]

['What should I do?' Is it even fair to ask that, he doesn't know. Should he help or leave? All he can do is close his eyes and let Dave act.]

Okay.

[parodeity]

You're not gonna unpause while it's happenin', are you.

[ an observation rather than an accusation. ]

[splinten]

I don't know if I can.

[If he tries to face it head on what will happen? The panic might build up again. He'll make it worse and everything will break.]

I can try.

[He can try to talk to Dave. He can try not to slip down into the well again.]

There's something wildly poetic about the parallelism. Like, this is some prime cliche character study shit. One brother sinks deeper and deeper into himself, and the other floats away.

[parodeity]

You don't need to force yourself?

[ but after putting the dishes in the sink dave will at least turn to listen. ]

And I'm not sure about the parallelism. Probably they're two different sides of the same thing moreso than exact opposites.

[splinten]

What's your interpretation?

[parodeity]

I think they're probably different methods of sinkin' deeper. Ask me later, though.

[ it's difficult to examine what he's doing as he's doing it. ]