parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

Because at least you get to control when it comes off.

[He gets it. He stares at Dave's face and he hates the pain there.]

It isn't fair on you, either. It isn't fair you get stuck with these feelings.

Sometimes...sometimes when you scare me I try to beat you to the punch.

[ because it's not just about control. losing someone is terrible in either direction but if they lose themselves on purpose and confirm everything you ever thought, it's a million times worse. dave is dead certain he can't take that.

he isn't unaware, sometimes, that it goes both ways.

there's a wry laugh, and he tries to recalibrate. ]

I go back and forth on that. I don't know? I think some days that it's better I'm fucked up over this because at least it means I'm payin' attention to the fact rather than not. Then other days I think it'd be better if I locked it away like before and didn't look at the pieces.

I'm pretty sure neither of those is actually the ideal for this situation.

[Repression or misery. Neither is fair.]

You are as important to me as Roxy and Jake and Jane. And it's as impossible for you to stop being important to me as it is impossible for them to. I understand why it's difficult for you to believe that, but... I've tried to make you part of my life in as many ways I can think of because I want to experience that importance every day.

Okay.

[ it's his stock answer, he's coming to realize, but he probably has to say something and nothing else is coming to mind. the only things that come to mind he is unwilling to say, so dave gestures uselessly, forgetting for a second he was like holding dirk's hands so that's awkward sorry dirk. ]

It's okay. Whatever I am. I don't - it's okay. I don't expect anything. So.

[His heart sinks again.]

It isn't okay. You deserve more.

I like what I'm able to get? I mean. There's shit both of us will never be able to have, regardless of what we deserve. [ and he doubts he ever deserved some of that. ] I'll take what I can get and it won't feel like a loss.

What can't I get that I deserve?

Well. [ a pause. ] Maybe you can get more of it. I don't know. You'd really know more about things you can't have than I would, maybe.

I got you.

[He says it like it's all he could imagine wanting.]

Yeah.

[ a half-smile so dave doesn't do something else, like frown or break down or something idiotic. ]

I don't know what I meant, really, don't worry about it. You know I kinda say a bunch of bullshit that means nothin' literally all the time when I lose the plot.

I know it's how you hide all the things you say that mean everything.

[Dirk doesn't look away. He has Dave. He doesn't want more.]

Not always. [ ...pretty much always, though? dave's gaze drops to their hands and he seems to be weighing things for a while before: ] You're right. It's enough.

You don't believe me.

No, I do.

[ it's enough for dirk, and that's good. ]

I believe you don't think of it as there bein' shit you can't have. Like. Life. Aside from the obvious.

The obvious being?

A childhood? A guardian?

[ the things that would have come part and parcel with either. if it'd been like it was for john or rose at least. ]

Obvious shit that cannot be had. [ stuff he assumes dirk would classify in the same wy he does. Literally Impossible. ]

You mean the stuff that's already in the past. Sure, there's no second chance of any of that. I was thinking in terms of the present and the future.

[For that, all he's lacking is Jane. His head tilts, because he doesn't think Dave will believe him, but it's another thing that's true.]

I don't need my Bro, Dave. I have you.

That's what I meant, sure. And the concepts that went with that shit.

[ things that don't matter because all of them are out of reach and impossible to grab at this point. not even a time traveler can make them real. ]

I think you're kind of amazin'.

[ unrelated to dirk's statement, but. whatever. ]

[It comes out of nowhere. Dirk stares.]

I hurt you a lot. And fail you, repeatedly, in the same ways, despite tryin' not to. Like I am psychologically incapable of not being a painful experience for you.

[okay now who sucks at accepting things]

I think you're stronger than me in a lot of ways.

[ and maybe some of that is colored with knowing bro was that. but. ]

You're never the one who fails me, dude.

Citations needed, bro.

[A frown is in his expression. Somehow the words seem strange to him. He doesn't know if it's just because he can't take nice things easily or if there's something happening.]

Which part are you objectin' to, or is it just a general objection to like both things.

Both. I don't know why you called me amazing, or... where we are, in this conversation.

[The frown deepens. His voice gets quiet.]

Are you drawin' back from me?

You're doin' really well. Just...in general. You're so much stronger than you like to say you are. You look at the future and the present?

[ these are all things that seem amazing. so why not. ]

I haven't known where we were in this conversation for at least half an hour if not more. I'm not...tryin' to right this second. I think. I don't know?

[Dirk accepts the reply as honest, and he relaxes enough at it.]

I'm not always there. You've seen me fall back to the past. The room think, or times I slipped up. The Strifin' against the dream Reaper was me fallin' back into the past. I backslide too.

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