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[parodeity]

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[parodeity]

I don't know. [ a safe answer. ] Sometimes the things you say are things that are...too much. To be really real. Or there are other factors that wouldn't let them be.

[splinten]

[The frown comes back. They're too much to be real, or there are factors. Either way. Dave doesn't believe them.]

I promise they're things I really want.

[parodeity]

I...promise I want them too?

[splinten]

[His fingers spread out and then curl back around Dave's hands. He doesn't know what else to say. What else is there to say? Dirk loves him. He is important to Dirk, no less than Jake and Roxy and Jane. He matters.

He doesn't know. Dirk pulls on the hands to keep them close to him. He tries to take comfort in their warmth.]

Okay.

[parodeity]

I don't know what to do about the rest of it, for the record.

[ he's not sure it's even relevant at this point. ]

[splinten]

Me either.

[His thumb flickers over Dave's knuckles.]

The knives. They're making you feel unimportant. That's why you letting me decide everything scares me so much. It means letting you be less important, and I can't do that.

[parodeity]

[ the motion actually gets dave to relax a hair, but he doesn't seem to register himself doing it. ]

I don't frequently feel important, so it's not a huge difference. [ it's a terrible joke that isn't even really a joke. ] I dunno, dude. My variety of control issues kinda clash with yours and other people's sometimes. It's a thing.

[splinten]

[Dirk notices, at least, and that's only part of why he continues. It's relaxing for him, too.]

That means yours get to take precedence at least some of the time.

[parodeity]

[ dave's still not paying attention but it helps. rip. ]

I want to tell you shit. [ however: ] It's hard to work on tellin' everyone all the shit at the same time.

[ dirk is a hard enough level and adding other people complicates everything. ]

But I can't tell you things without workin' on other people concurrently without forcin' you to make a choice between sayin' shit or not. And that's not exactly fair.

[splinten]

[That's okay, Dirk will just help calm them both with mindless, repetitive gestures.]

The deck's been stacked against us since they hit go. My choice is not to say things.

[parodeity]

I don't know how quick I can get it to work with other people. Not if you're still against just doin' it anyway and waitin' for my brain to catch up.

[splinten]

It's okay if it takes a long time. [But he looks at Dave.] It's okay if you want to do the other one, too, and there's somethin' to be said for learnin' how to be okay with a thing by doing it. My concern, though, is that it will just make you learn to be numb to it, which isn't actually okay. You can if you want, but I don't think it's the same thing.

[parodeity]

[ that is a super fair concern since that is exactly what would happen in that case? dave is not well known for not using being numb to a thing as a coping mechanism. his eyes drop from dirk's face and he notices the hand thing. there's a pause but he doesn't pull away. ]

Isn't it gonna get in the way of shit for you if it takes me a long time?

[splinten]

It will mean I have to put some more work into managing a few of the issues me and Jake have because of our own baggage. I can handle that. It might even be for the best that I do, in a roundabout way.

[Dirk doesn't want to say too much of Jake's own problems, but what matters is making Jake know he's important to Dirk. Dirk would have to put a lot of work into that regardless.]

Taking a long time is okay. I know you worry about him, but it'll be okay with him too.

[parodeity]

How the hell would it be for the best?

[ that sounds fake. ]

[splinten]

I think maybe I need to not take for granted that the people I love will know how much they matter to me without me putting special effort into demonstrating it and expressing it.

[You know.

Like with them.]

[parodeity]

I...don't feel like I should comment on that in any manner, actually.

[ seems like some kind of trap. ]

[splinten]

It is more of a comment conscious of its ironic overtones than a trap. My point is that I can't take it for granted with Jake, either. Knowing him, and knowing myself, I think that we can both accept waiting and work on our own problems without forcing you to compromise your well-being for our relationship. Because that would be super fucked up and unfair, and neither of us want that.

[parodeity]

I meant more I shouldn't comment on whether or not you put in special effort. Which...clarifying counts as. Can we change topics?

[splinten]

Yes. Sorry. Shit.

[parodeity]

It's fine. It just feels like dangerous territory to argue that you already put forth that effort. So let's not and say we did.

[splinten]

I mean I try but maybe not en—yeah okay, let's stop that.

[Dave is right. This is maybe not safe.]

My point is it's okay.

[parodeity]

[ good because arguing about all the excessive shows of complex affection re: presents and expressing of feelings dave is dead sure dirk does make and how it's more on him and other people for not believing that is only going to end badly. dave knows this. ]

...Okay, then?

[splinten]

...For real okay? Not the dead-eyed okay we've done maybe six times this conversation.

[parodeity]

I don't know. Uh.

[ breathe. ]

I don't know what I need. When you ask me that, I don't know. But I [ he tries to figure out the words, has to pause and work it through. ] if it's okay to just do what I can handle. If it won't break you.