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[parodeity]

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[parodeity]

I...don't know.

[ his gaze goes opaque, staring at the television screen and through it. ]

Sometimes I think I'd like it better if you just made all my decisions for me.

[splinten]

[Dirk watches him, and sees the unreadability slip over his expression.]

I can imagine. If it's any comfort, I think I trust myself with my own decisions as much as you trust yourself with yours. I just have really shitty control freak tendencies, putting my brain in a perpetual lockdown like the battle between a North-Going Zax and a South-Going Zax while highways are built around my psyche.

[parodeity]

[ there's a huff of dry laughter for the seuss reference, at least. ]

A version of you used to make all my decisions for me. Or I based 'em off of whatever I thought he wanted. It was...

[ he doesn't come up with a word, and shrugs. ]

So anyway it was a stupid request so I didn't make it.

[splinten]

Was it easier?

[Or something else.]

[parodeity]

I don't know that either option was ever easy. I don't know if many things in my life are generally cleancut like that?

[ he has to think about it. ]

The things that are easy always get complicated by the things that aren't.

[splinten]

That checks out philosophically and in terms of actual experience.

[You trade off an easy thing for a hard thing. Nothing ever really ends up easy.]

If you decide you want a road trip and that it would be okay for me to decide how the information spreads, or if you're fine with it let me know. [Hm...] It might be somethin' Rose could help untangle. I could listen to your reasoning on it, but I don't know if I could advise you.

[parodeity]

It's chill. I won't ask you on shit like that until I - fix it.

[ him. dave doesn't draw back but he slouches in place, still staring at the tv screen aimlessly. ]

What did you want my reasonin' on? Missed that.

[splinten]

Until you fix what?

[Whoops.]

[parodeity]

Me?

[ even as he says it he's pretty sure dirk's going to flip their ages again. ]

[splinten]

[Yup Dirk's now older.

He frowns, but it isn't unexpected, either. He swallows back.]

From the perspective of a guy who wants to fix everythin', I don't think of you as somethin' to be fixed.

[parodeity]

[ for now ]

I want to be able to do stupid shit with you without worryin' about hurtin' you or other people. My brain gets in the way of that. I'd sign up for a lobotomy immediately if a shady doctor started advertisin' them on the streets? Like sure Frankenstein, make me a real boy.

[splinten]

[It's the second reference to puppets. The second time Dave's implied he's walking on strings.]

Pretty sure a lobotomy isn't how Pinocchio gets saved.

[parodeity]

[ okay, but: ]

I miss you.

[ it's lonely and who cares if he has to cut pieces of himself away to fit a mold if he can just get the things he won't let himself have back. if they just don't hurt anyone else, if he just changes that much, he can have those things again. maybe. for at least until he's permanently locked out. ]

[splinten]

[For a moment, Dirk is dead quiet.

Then he pulls Dave into his arms and he hugs him, and he presses his face into his shoulder and holds him tight.]

I miss you too.

[parodeity]

[ dave doesn't shove him off. he curls into the hug and thinks that time powers are useless when they can't fix the mistakes that hurt worst. ]

So I can fix it.

[ and maybe if he's desperate enough to pretend things are fine they'll suddenly be fine, or maybe just once no one else will notice and care and at least he won't be lonely in the bargain of being caught up in his own head. ]

[splinten]

[No. He can't. Dirk can't let it happen. How does he protect him? He doesn't know. He doesn't know.]

You've implied you're a puppet a lot this conversation. [It doesn't answer the question but he needs to say it.] To me, that's top tier horrifying imagery.

[parodeity]

That seems ridiculous considerin' you're the one who likes puppets?

[ he knows that isn't what dirk means. ]

[splinten]

[Dirk knows Dave knows but he says it anyway.] There are a lot of things I like that I don't want to see you turned into. Robots, for another.

[parodeity]

Then tell me what to do.

[ please ]

[splinten]

[Dirk swallows. It feels like too much power.]

Is that pullin' your strings?

[He can't be Dave's puppet-master. He can't do that to his brother.]

[parodeity]

I don't know. I'm open to suggestions.

[ he's open to puppet mastery at this point, he simply doesn't care if it fixes things ]

[splinten]

[Dirk can't. He can't pull his brother's strings and make him dance how he wants. Feel this, do that. He can't make Dave into the image of his desires.

But God, he wants to take this weight off of Dave.]

You aren't a puppet or broken. I think... I think you learned a lot of things to help you survive a terrible situation, and now the situation is different. There isn't anything broken in not being able to reorganize your frame of thinkin' so readily. There isn't... Every time we talk about these things, we talk about it as if we're machines and we just need to substitute in the right parts to function the way we want to. The more apt metaphor, the harder metaphor, is the metaphor of injury. It's like if someone cut off your legs so you learned how to move fast on your arms. You're perfect at it, you are the most badass legless person in the world. But thanks to a weird miracle of fate, you're in a place where you're allowed to walk again, and thanks to a crazier miracle of science your body can grow legs again. The thing is, you can only grow those legs if you learn how to walk, and you can only learn how to walk by growing those legs. It puts you in this weird position of trying to do both at the same time and it makes sense that it would go wrong and you'd switch back to trying to walk on your hands. You know how to do that, although you're out of practice. Maybe the point of this metaphor, which is really uncomfortably appropriative of disability shit now that I'm at the end, is that you can get back into practice of walking on your hands, and maybe that's what you want. On the other hand, learning how to walk again and regrow your legs is phenomenally difficult, but I think it's a different thing to learn that than to go back to your handstand. And I think even if you decide to go one way or another, it doesn't mean you can't switch or even take a break from both.

[God. He needs to get better at metaphors. His fingers curl into Dave's shirt.]

I love you no matter what. I'll back you.

[If that means Dave needs him pulling the strings for a little while... He'll do it. He'll do anything.]

[parodeity]

I just want to stop hurtin' everyone.

[ can't do this or it'll hurt dirk can't do that or it'll hurt dave and that'll hurt dirk can't do that or it'll hurt jake which will also hurt dirk can't do that or it'll hurt rose or roxy or john or jade or karkat and always, always another person.

all he wants is an option that hurts absolutely no one, or at least an option that only hurts him (which hurts dirk, which hurts jake, which hurts -) ]

[splinten]

[How does he give Dave that? He has caused so much pain. He has made so many wrong choices.]

Me too. It should be easier than it is.

[parodeity]

I keep thinkin' it would be easier to just cut myself out entirely.

[ but then, that would hurt people, too.

maybe the quick hurt would be better than the agonizingly drawn out kind as he fails again and again to be who he needs to be, though. ]