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You don't want me to hurt other people for you but you won't accept that you matter as much as them even when I try.

You wouldn't do that on purpose, dude, unless uh - ok, you would hurt Komaeda for me we have actually gone over that in this very conversation. Or. Multiple conversations.

[ a pause. ]

I'm startin' to get the impression you just really want to punch Komaeda or somethin'.

First of all, yeah I'd punch Komaeda. Unfortunately, that's wrong.

[But he wants to.]

You never even accept that you're equal. You're the person I chose to live with here, for no reason except that I wanted to. You're the one I want some kind of fraternal tradition for every holiday with, even the ones that aren't really about siblings. I want scheduled weekly time with you, and I said I want you to look after me and help me. I want to take a stupid vacation with you just because. I've never kept score, because that would be fucked up, and because it's obvious to me that you matter, but if I did count you'd have racked up so many points you'd be drownin' in 'em.

[Dirk doesn't sound angry. If anything, he's uncertain, helpless. He knows what he feels but he can't get it across. And yet he tries, all the time, he marks Dave out as important all the time. He is always marking Dave as important without even thinking about it.]

Do none of these things count for anythin'? Are they meaningless, are they all just—not important to you? It always seems like they are, and then you turn around and claim none of it counts and you aren't important. How else can I show you you mean so much to me?

They're not! They're not. They count, they're not meaningless, I just -

[ he breaks off, staring at dirk with too-wide eyes, uncertain. ]

I don't know. I don't know what it is. I just - [ again, he's not sure what the end to the sentence is. ] I just keep waitin' for the moment I'm not.

[ and that's the truth. it's fucked up and completely unfair but it is true. he'd been a little better about not doing that before december, and then he'd moved back to square one and turned in the 200 dollars he got for getting past "go". ]

I know it isn't fair. I know that. [ he knows it but he can't believe it.

[Dirk looks at those too-wide eyes and he hates himself for making them saucers. He reaches out for Dave, wanting to hug him again.]

I—it's okay. You have reasons for that. This isn't coming out of nowhere.

It's okay. I'm sorry.

[ dave catches dirk's hands instead. his first instinct is to bury his face where it can't be seen but the second fledgling instinct that's been trained at least a little in the past year says no, sometimes it's important that people see your face. sometimes it's important to let them try to read you. ]

You don't have to be. I'm sorry. It isn't fair, I'm sorry? [ too fast together and dave pauses before he tries again. ] It isn't meaningless. None of the time you give me is meaningless. I'm constantly terrified of losin' it. And it seems - it seems sometimes like cuttin' off a limb is easier than havin' it sawed off for you. Maybe.

Because at least you get to control when it comes off.

[He gets it. He stares at Dave's face and he hates the pain there.]

It isn't fair on you, either. It isn't fair you get stuck with these feelings.

Sometimes...sometimes when you scare me I try to beat you to the punch.

[ because it's not just about control. losing someone is terrible in either direction but if they lose themselves on purpose and confirm everything you ever thought, it's a million times worse. dave is dead certain he can't take that.

he isn't unaware, sometimes, that it goes both ways.

there's a wry laugh, and he tries to recalibrate. ]

I go back and forth on that. I don't know? I think some days that it's better I'm fucked up over this because at least it means I'm payin' attention to the fact rather than not. Then other days I think it'd be better if I locked it away like before and didn't look at the pieces.

I'm pretty sure neither of those is actually the ideal for this situation.

[Repression or misery. Neither is fair.]

You are as important to me as Roxy and Jake and Jane. And it's as impossible for you to stop being important to me as it is impossible for them to. I understand why it's difficult for you to believe that, but... I've tried to make you part of my life in as many ways I can think of because I want to experience that importance every day.

Okay.

[ it's his stock answer, he's coming to realize, but he probably has to say something and nothing else is coming to mind. the only things that come to mind he is unwilling to say, so dave gestures uselessly, forgetting for a second he was like holding dirk's hands so that's awkward sorry dirk. ]

It's okay. Whatever I am. I don't - it's okay. I don't expect anything. So.

[His heart sinks again.]

It isn't okay. You deserve more.

I like what I'm able to get? I mean. There's shit both of us will never be able to have, regardless of what we deserve. [ and he doubts he ever deserved some of that. ] I'll take what I can get and it won't feel like a loss.

What can't I get that I deserve?

Well. [ a pause. ] Maybe you can get more of it. I don't know. You'd really know more about things you can't have than I would, maybe.

I got you.

[He says it like it's all he could imagine wanting.]

Yeah.

[ a half-smile so dave doesn't do something else, like frown or break down or something idiotic. ]

I don't know what I meant, really, don't worry about it. You know I kinda say a bunch of bullshit that means nothin' literally all the time when I lose the plot.

I know it's how you hide all the things you say that mean everything.

[Dirk doesn't look away. He has Dave. He doesn't want more.]

Not always. [ ...pretty much always, though? dave's gaze drops to their hands and he seems to be weighing things for a while before: ] You're right. It's enough.

You don't believe me.

No, I do.

[ it's enough for dirk, and that's good. ]

I believe you don't think of it as there bein' shit you can't have. Like. Life. Aside from the obvious.

The obvious being?

A childhood? A guardian?

[ the things that would have come part and parcel with either. if it'd been like it was for john or rose at least. ]

Obvious shit that cannot be had. [ stuff he assumes dirk would classify in the same wy he does. Literally Impossible. ]

You mean the stuff that's already in the past. Sure, there's no second chance of any of that. I was thinking in terms of the present and the future.

[For that, all he's lacking is Jane. His head tilts, because he doesn't think Dave will believe him, but it's another thing that's true.]

I don't need my Bro, Dave. I have you.

That's what I meant, sure. And the concepts that went with that shit.

[ things that don't matter because all of them are out of reach and impossible to grab at this point. not even a time traveler can make them real. ]

I think you're kind of amazin'.

[ unrelated to dirk's statement, but. whatever. ]

[It comes out of nowhere. Dirk stares.]

I hurt you a lot. And fail you, repeatedly, in the same ways, despite tryin' not to. Like I am psychologically incapable of not being a painful experience for you.

[okay now who sucks at accepting things]

NO

ok thats my bad i can't multitask RETCONS IT SO DIRK GOT IT RIGHT AND THAT EXCHANGE NEVER HAPPEND

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