parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

[ dirk you have like horses this will be one kitten. maybe. if dave ever actually works up to catnapping a kitten. @ dave just take a cat ]

Would it be ok to take them away from the base though? What if they mind. What if they only want to hang out with me there.

[ like

at least he's probably not dissociating at this point as he agonizes about a cat but this is getting stupid ]

[the horses are not substitutes for cuddles!!]

You could try takin' it, or them, to the tower and give them a little while. Then bring them back to the base and see if you can tell which they prefer.

Yeah, ok. I'll consider it.

[ whether or not he decides towards the positive. if he does, dirk will probably just wake up to And Randomly, A Kitten someday. ]

I have to tell people this week. [ about the whole arrival and departure thing. he put it off too long with dealing with other shit pre-storm, then dealing with the...language thing after-effects, then like. this. god he's going to get yelled at again ]

Okay. [Dirk's posture changes, as he moves the pillow out from Lil Cal Replacement position.] Is that a request to unpause now?

No. You called pause. It's just a statement that I gotta regardless of how anythin' else plays out.

[ dirk asked him not to warn people ahead of time and dave doesn't even want to and honestly he doesn't want to do much of anything but that's the next step: just tell everyone all at once and wash his hands of it and try to avoid having to tell them anything ever again or just forcing himself to do so immediately or just...

trying not to learn anything new might actually be easiest. then he's not trapped into a thousand moves he can't make because there wouldn't be any moves to make.

new plan: try not to learn anything about anything. ]

It doesn't change anythin' else.

Okay, I'm unpausin'.

[It's terrifying. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to destroy everything like this.]

I want to ask a question. Maybe it's irrelevant, but it's one thing that I don't fully understand. I do understand your need for privacy. I understand why you need to know that the information you share with me won't go elsewhere. I agree with that, and might ask the same of you in return if it ever comes up. What I don't understand, and what you started talkin' about, was the idea that you didn't want to give a heads-up. With the Kharaa thing you indicated you didn't actually want me and Rose to tell people close to us but you did it anyway because you didn't want us to get into trouble with people. What is it that makes that idea uncomfortable? Or is there somethin' that's escaped my understanding of the situation, or anythin' else.

You can just say you don't want to answer or talk about it if you want. I don't really expect it to help. More than anything, this is pertinent to my desire to understand you and the way you think.

I don't know. Mostly pointless shit? [ the idea shouldn't be uncomfortable and it's kind of a useless train of thought when simply setting the "don't want to" aside isn't an option. ] It isn't really my shit to put on lockdown. Nothin' I know is like that. Everythin' is always relevant information to someone, somehow. Even shit I would prefer is not, which I'm pretty sure this doesn't qualify as.

[ the shit he fullstop doesn't want getting out also is stuff people probably deserve to know. there is nothing that doesn't belong to someone else at least a little or doesn't hurt them by not being told. it's a rabbit hole of considerations and it was stupid to open the door. ]

I told you we were makin' a bigger deal of it than we had to. I can tell people. It's fine. I just...wish that existin' didn't mean I have to do all these things for other people, always, small and big. Or - that's not even it, of course I'll always do whatever for everyone else that's not a thing I hate exactly, I'm not playin' the reluctant hero card since that's ridiculous, but I don't know. I'm just tired? It's irrelevant because to keep the peace I will just go through the same song and dance with however many people I gotta before doin' the song and dance with everyone left over even if I'm not happy about it. I'd do it with shit that I hate talkin' about and shit I don't. It doesn't matter. I think that probably bein' alive at all means you're like, 99% of the time always gonna be on marionette strings makin' sure you're playin' the part you're supposed to be playin', and sometimes I get weird about it?

[ that sounded. confused. why does dave try to explain his thought processes ever. ]

It's not a choice. It's a requirement and an expectation and somethin' that cannot be refused. And it's for somethin' stupid, which makes it even stupider to care. I guess?

[He listens and tries to follow. Dave is speaking in vague terms, in slips and referents that don't all match up. It's difficult for Dirk to put all of them together but he tries. Like before, when in moments like this, he tries to understand.]

So... Things like this make it feel like, or I guess maybe are a reminder of the fact that, your life doesn't belong to you. That includes information you possess, which you feel you don't have a right to privacy over because you owe it to other people. So it reinforces the idea that you don't have a choice in these things. Which, in the sense of addin' no privacy to no choice with a dash of marionettin', that returns you to the space of your apartment by forcin' you to operate within the same framework that happened there.

I don't know if that's right or if I'm missin' something important, or I put it in the wrong terms.

It's nothin' I'm not capable of handlin'. Though I guess I tried to cut myself out of havin' to tell everyone myself even when givin' in my tryin' to make other people to the warnings.

[ so he wouldn't have to make a non-choice multiple times? but then he threatened to do that anyway, so it was a pointless gambit. ]

I don't really have a right to privacy over any of the shit in my life, dude. It's all relevant to someone else and it's all shit other people probably need in order to not hurt or whatever. But I'm not sure if that really matters or if it matters in a bad way. It's kind of normal. There's probably other shit to it but it's mostly ridiculous to contemplate.

I don't know that I follow the logic of no right to privacy to anything. [The stupid ethical photograph thing. Is that this? Did he sew the seeds of this? A good thought warped, a good idea twisted.] There's lots of shit you don't owe it to anyone to tell. Isn't there?

Not really? Like, shit. It's the entire reason I told Jade what little I did.

[ she had a right to know and he owed it to her. how could he even begin to expect anything from her in return without that basic building block, however little he'd wanted it given in the end? ]

There's always shit that other people deserve or need to know. I haven't always been great at respectin' it but I kind of have to now. At some point you just have to grow the fuck up.

I don't think that's growin' up.

[He doesn't put his hand out for Dave. He doesn't think it would be right to take right now. Not when everyone takes everything.]

This isn't exactly a thing I'm an expert on, since I didn't care about my past. But now, I don't like tellin' people about what happens between us. It doesn't seem like it's any of their business, so I don't. I'm fine with that. No one really needs to know that kind of thing, even if it were okay to share it. I never took up your offer about tellin' someone about your Bro for a reason.

It seems like the same logic applies here. If it feels like there's a gap between you and your friends because you didn't tell them and you feel like you want to bridge that gap, giving them that information makes sense as a choice for you. What I can't grasp is how you owe them that information just because you have it, and how that is just a demand of growin' up.

This isn't even really related to the warper thing at this point? I don't think you can argue that I'm bein' an idiot for that, no matter how you fancy it up. And that's the issue that's actually relevant so - I don't know. But for the record I never wanted to bridge a gap by sharin' shit like that. Not like how you mean. I told Rose because I needed her help and was out of choices and at least that I don't completely regret but I'm not sure at that point it was a choice so much as a necessity. Karkat and Jade deserved to know but it wasn't shit I told them for me so much as them I guess? And you got that bullshit dumped on you while I had a minor mental breakdown about, uh, my entire life.

[ which was his choice at least since dirk wasn't pressing it after dave originally said he didn't want to get into it but also good lord. ]

It's only ever been for that sort of understandin' in instances since then and only when - like with the rooms. Shit like that I guess at least I didn't have to do. I didn't know how else to explain without that stuff and at least I - wanted to?

But like I said: examples which do not match the actual thing.

They don't match the actual thing, but they're probably related in a weird, roundabout way.

[Dirk breathes in, holds his breath. Counts down and exhales through his nose. His fingers twist in the pillow.]

I'm tryin' to... work somethin' out. Words and ideas, mostly. [Problems he can't fix.] A lot of times you tell me things you don't want to. We both know that. Every time I've brought up concerns with that, you've indicated that it's something you appreciate and need, via the boss fight metaphor. In response, I've tried to encourage you to be honest with me. I also try to be honest in return. Neither of us are perfect at it, but at least I understood it to be our general intent.

You worry about hurtin' me with your feelings, but then you also worry about hurtin' me by not sharin' your feelings, and of course you would need to worry about hurtin' me by forcin' yourself to share things you don't want to. Did that make a trap? Something where you don't really have a choice in what you share.

There have been things I really didn't want to tell you or talk about, but it was - I don't know how you'd put it. Rebreakin' a bone that never healed right so it does. Things that - I absolutely hated for a portion of 'embittered they were...better after. That's still true.

[ the rest he doesn't know about. he's already told dirk that they trap one another but it's different than what bro did so dave can survive it. it's half a trap of his own creation. ]

I don't know. I don't feel like I have any choices when every choice hurts me and you and then I guess everyone else for the bargain price? I wish I didn't have any choices, it'd be...easier, then it wouldn't be my fault that every path ends with collateral damage just 'cause I was too stupid not to suck it up to start with. But then it goes to "couldn't do that anyway, suckin' it up hurts x y z also" and not suckin' it up does the same and changin' myself around to suit what's needed also is a no go and it's just - it's not even a trap it's just a maze and you're there forever, I guess.

Edited 2017-03-31 05:21 (UTC)

You're going to want to fight me on whose fault that is.

[Of course Dirk thinks it's himself. Of course Dave thinks it's him instead.]

There's no way out so you dissociated. Only way out was to get out of your own feelings.

It was the main factor, I guess. It's...it happens when there aren't options and I still need to keep movin'.

[ also: ]

I'd win the fight.

Neither of us would ever acknowledge each other as the winner of that fight.

[That's how they are.]

Why do you think giving information as debt is growin' up?

It's childish to care. Jesus, half the issues we've had could go back to me bein' - [ he almost says out of practice but he catches himself in time. ] just...it ain't a mature and reasonable approach to not tell people shit. Unless Rose does it I think since she's like emotionally well adjusted enough to get away with it.

[A pause.]

Was that change in phrasin' something you want me to let go?

It was a thing I didn't mean. [ or did mean, but - ] It would be a cruel thing to say and it's not true?

Your call.

[There's that expression on Dirk's face, open but calm, focused. He'll be able to handle it whatever Dave chooses.]

I don't want to say things to you that are like knives. I know I do sometimes without meanin' to, and if I catch it beforehand, I don't wanna.

[ he does not think that dirk would take "if i were better in practice with rolling with the punches" re: anything dirk did that throws him off well and for good reason. ]

[Well.]

That is definitely a top way of phrasing things that makes me want to know more, but okay. We can avoid stabbin' me at least for this. [He said it was Dave's call.]

The general point, I guess, is that you think that most of the issues we've had is because you aren't what you consider.... adult, I guess. Usually you just pick an especially demeaning way to call yourself deviating from the norms of social behaviour.

It's the same thing. [ not being normal or mature or stable or whatever. ] Also, I don't think you can throw shade about the last bit without bein' a hypoctrite.

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