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[parodeity]

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[parodeity]

I wouldn't call myself your Achilles heel, really, but I probably rank high enough to be like a hangnail. So yeah? I'm never gonna drink. Made jokes about drugs but never did 'em and never really had an interest. But you're exactly my brand of controlled substance.

[ it's a weird dave-ism and a wry note edges into his even tone. the things that fuck him up most will always be the people he loves. every defense he has against them is in the end mostly useless. it's an altered state of mind, except he's sober. ]

[splinten]

Of course you wouldn't call yourself that. You have a mind specifically organized to filter out how important you are to me.

[At this point, Dirk doesn't even sound annoyed.]

I always thought I was just broken for caring about the people I love the way I do.

[parodeity]

[ dave shrugs and doesn't argue the point, since his half-protest that he is not dead centre in dirks list of weaknesses has been lodged. ]

I dunno how people filter it out. [ right now he could maybe, but would he bother? ] Sayin' no or sayin' yes, I never got how you could get in a state where you said somethin' just for you devoid of any other factors.

[splinten]

I don't see it as devoid of other factors. For the people I love, I feel like I owe them some measure of truth about my desires and aversions. The people I don't care about are people where it really doesn't matter to me what they think. The ones I have a hard time with are people I kind of like but who aren't really important to me. I've never really experienced that kind of relationship, where you enjoy their company reasonably enough, but it wouldn't destroy you to lose them.

There are times when I don't want to agree or whatever, but I don't want to open myself up to them with the honesty required in saying no. The social graces required for navigating that kind of relationship are somethin' I still have not gained.

[parodeity]

Honesty never felt like somethin' I owed anyone. [ until recently when he realized that's probably a thing and he can't get around it. sure, dave was aware people preferred honestly and could go for it when it suited him, but generally he kept his truths behind a million walls or only let in select people to see the full(ish) extent. even then, no one got everything, full stop. ] So I can't say I have the problem. I usually don't have issues changin' topics or gettin' out of shit I don't want to be involved in with people I like well enough. Idk if it's social graces so much as bein' a slippery asshole, though? Rose has the same skills.

[splinten]

Both of you have social graces in spades compared to yours truly. [His expression gives its version of a frown. He isn't sure of something here. He doesn't even know how to say it.] People go missin' all the time here. It isn't awesome, and there are people I'm not happy about losin'. The thing I think about, though, is that I'm grateful it wasn't you or Rox or Jake. It doesn't bother as long as it isn't you three, except that it bothers me I don't know how it works so I can't get you back if it ever was one of you.

[parodeity]

[ dave...shrugs. ]

Wrong person to bring that up with. [ and maybe he's a terrible friend that he's managed to survive losing the others time and again. not rose, at least, but. ] Fuckin' hell, neither of them is gonna win this.

[ @ the movie, goodbye conversation topic. ]

[splinten]

That's lame.

[He doesn't press the other topic. Just another stone to swallow. He lets it sink into his stomach and hit bottom.]

[parodeity]

[ it's the first change in expression since earlier that morning, and it's a barely-there frown at the television screen. ]

I expected more of the studio that produced Sharknado.

[splinten]

It wouldn't be unfair to call it a betrayal.

[parodeity]

How could you ruin the premise of a giant shark and octopus locked in an epic battle??? That shouldn't be possible. It's like THE easiest thing to sell. Aside from Sharknadoes, obviously. Or snakes on planes. Or trains.

[ vague rising ire as he continues staring at the credits? ]

[splinten]

Do you want to try another one or are you going to stage a protest?

[At least Dave is feeling something about something.]

[parodeity]

How'm I supposed to stage a protest against a bunch of super dead dudes??

[ this seems like something dirk would now. ]

[splinten]

My favourite way is to take their film and take it apart to create a pastiche that mocks the original while simultaneously producing a superior version

[parodeity]

[ why is dirk so dirk ]

You never showed me any of those.

[splinten]

[The obvious reason: Dirk didn't think they were worth sharing.] Do you want to see them?

[parodeity]

Duh.

[ it sounds entirely like a thing dave would want to see. ]

[splinten]

Oh.

[This is still surprising.]

They're kinda derivative. By nature, obviously, but you'd definitely do a more creative job with them.

I can show you some?

[parodeity]

What movies have you done?

[ that's a "yes" or asking what the options are at least. ]

[splinten]

Basically everything Lars von Trier made. Most Andrew Kaufman, but Adaptation is the best one I did. Armageddon, Waterworld. Some others I can't think of off the top of my head.

[parodeity]

Adaption if it's the best, then. Or Armageddon. John fuckin' loves that one.

[ for some reason. DAVE...can't keep all his disaster movies straight tbh ]

[splinten]

I don't know if it's the best. [Immediately backtracking because he's an idiot?] I just hate that movie most out of Kaufman's work so I put the most energy into it. It could be mediocre at best.

[parodeity]

I want to see it.

[ and he does? it's the first thing he's been less than neutral about in a good hour. or however long the stupid film was plus breakfast time. ]

[splinten]

Okay.

[Like Dirk won't jump at that. He goes to grab his harddive and plug it into whatever set-up they have to allow them to watch these things. Probably it could be wireless but Dirk moving around trying to look cool while filled with a weird anxious excitement is a hilarious image and should be actualized. So he draws up his pastiche and plays it.

It is.... probably funny to Dave, honestly, because of their sense of humour. It's absurd and highly ironic. Nic Cage always gives a lot of fodder for this kind of thing. The sincere core under the ridiculous mash-up mockery is Dirk's irritation over the lack of a sincere core, so a weirdly moving arc about identity and interpretation somehow is implied with the various Nic Cage clips employed in the narrative. Dirk wanted to give it the sincerity at heart that he felt it was missing. It's oblique and weird but if anyone can catch it, it would be Dave.

There are like a dumb number of stupid jokes THEIR HUMOUR IS TOO ALIGNED]

[parodeity]

[ there is exactly one other person in the universe who shares a sense of humor with dave this closely. rose gets his jokes and follows along more often than she doesn't, but his absurd roots and her gothic ones don't always overlap. jade and jon have never really come close to getting dave's jokes even if they laughed, and karkat didn't really have the patience to even pretend to try to understand sbahj even if he could quote some of it through long exposure to dave and rose. bro had maybe understood or maybe had not. it was impossible to tell and didn't even matter.

no one he's spoken to since arriving in sub has ever fully gotten him, either. the kharaa fucking adore dave's offbeat sense of humor, but he knows better than anyone it makes no actual sense to them. they just...like him. for some reason.

but while dirk's grasp on irony is opposed to dave's even if he suspects most people who know them might assume there's overlap or that they're working off the same playbook - while his grasp on irony is opposed and he deliberately puts in the sincerity that dave does almost by accident, he gets it.

and while it doesn't move him immediately, he does relax as the pastiche goes on.

eventually he even laughs, a quick huff of air more than anything else, one of the quieter varieties of dave expressing humor. ]