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[parodeity]

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[splinten]

We'd manage to make a better game.

[It may be a bad game they'd make, but it'd be better.]

[parodeity]

First step there is not botherin'.

[ who wants to play any more life-altering games? not dave. ]

I told you I'm doin' shit with Rose tomorrow, right. She wants an office.

[ he's labor. it's as decent an excuse as any to avoid being home, but also, he promised he'd be labor for this exact thing whenever she got around to it months ago. ]

[splinten]

You did.

[Among other things he tossed at Dirk, things that shouldn't have hurt and normally wouldn't, but things that thudded dull against his chest now. He opens his eyes.]

You aren't fine.

[parodeity]

She probably won't murder me and hide the body or anythin'. Though she may make me lie on a couch and tell her about my dreams.

[ deflection is second nature. dave had spent years making jokes about shit just so he never had to address it or think about the things he actually thought.

his kneejerk reaction is to say he is fine, but he already admitted he wasn't. ]

I will be. [ maybe, probably, someday. it was hard enough to say the "i'm not" part. ]

[splinten]

That falls under 'worse than murder.'

[Not really. Not when it's Rose. But.

Dirk is quiet again. Trying to find a way to put it right.]

If you can tell me... I'll try not to make it worse. I can just stay quiet and listen if you want.

[parodeity]

I had that marionette dream again. Except instead of gettin' tangled up in threads and not bein' able to move at all, the strings were cut, and there was nowhere to go.

[ it's not the worst nightmare he's ever had. ]

They were cut on purpose, I mean. Then I was just kinda left there, in the dark, and I couldn't move.

[ not really what dirk was asking for, probably. ]

[splinten]

[It isn't what he was asking for, but it isn't the opposite of it either.]

That's a shitty dream.

[He would hate it. Cut strings, solitude, darkness. Still and quiet and helpless and alone.]

[parodeity]

Eh. The worst part was wishin' it'd just start up again, the puppeteering, because at least then I wouldn't be - you know.

[ some abandoned wooden toy in the dark. at least it'd be something. ]

I've had way worse.

[splinten]

An Everest of shit does not make the Rockies any less made of crap.

[A phrase is at the back of his throat. I promise. I promise to be here for you, I promise never to abandon you. I promise not to make you a puppet, I promise to protect you to care about you to stay.

Dave asked him not to make promises but there are so many he wants to. And of course he'll fail at them. He is so good at failing. And how can he ask Dave to trust him if he so often fails?]

[parodeity]

Doesn't it? It's so stupid to get worked up about basically anythin' here. It ain't like I'm gettin' the crap beat out of me every day or nearly dyin' or actually dyin'.

[ there are bigger worries to have, and he's had to have them before. ]

Sometimes the dreams are just a refresher course in that. And I'm sorry I like...forget that. [ that things aren't as bad as they could be, he means. ]

[splinten]

That's putting the bar below the Marianas trench and deep in the Earth's core. The bar has gone from being molten to becoming totally solid once more from the mass pressure of the entire Earth's weight.

[It is a dumb Strider metaphor, but Dirk actually managed to keep it to its illogical conclusion. Good for him.]

That kind of perspective isn't a bad thing. My hand was cut, but at least it isn't my writing hand—it makes sense. I don't think being your spare hand disqualifies it from getting fixed up, though.

[parodeity]

Both hands are spare hands. I was left-handed originally? But like, I had to learn to use both.

[ that's not even the point of what dirk was saying and dave knows it. ]

I've never known how to fix myself, Dirk.

[splinten]

[Dirk knows Dave knows, because Dave is an ass.]

It was a practical choice, but mostly I learned to use my right hand to be cooler.

[just. a lame admission there.]

Yeah, I know. Me either. [He debates reaching for Dave's hand. For now, he decides to keep his still.] You were when I started to try.

[parodeity]

My hand got stomped on and shit.

[ vague details. not super helpful, and dave's sure he shouldn't have bothered. ]

I don't know what needs fixing.

[splinten]

[Maybe not helpful. Something that hits Dirk in the gut, though it's less a visible wince than it is some resigned pain, every time he learns a new detail.]

Can I hold one?

[A hand.]

[parodeity]

[ it's honestly not like that was even a Huge Injury. dave uncurls his left arm, dropping his hand between them.

so, yes, apparently. ]

[splinten]

[Dirk takes that hand in both of his. He holds it careful and tender, like it were broken still, or like it carries its cracks with it. Like he could protect it now.]

You don't trust yourself to know.

[A little lift, but not quite a question. A conclusion that Dirk is saying, trying to check if it's true.]

[parodeity]

[ dave opens his eyes. ]

Not really. [ it's not a conclusion he's really thought about, but - no, he doesn't really trust himself, either. ] I'm not the best judge of that kind of thing.

[splinten]

[Dirk doesn't see, his own eyes shut; he is still holding that hand, held close to him. The curl of his body centres around it, and Dave.]

Talking can help. It can let you understand your own perspective, and if you talk with someone whose perspective you trust, it can help you gain security in your decisions as you consider their thoughts against yours.

[It's why Dirk likes it when Dave talks to Rose. Rose understands him; Rose guides him. Rose knows him and keeps him safe.]

I think there are some things you can only sort out on your own, but that there are probably a lot more you can sort out best with someone you love and trust. That at least has been my experience whenever I talk over one of my things with you.

[parodeity]

I don't know if I wanna hear it again yet. That everythin' I'm thinkin' is stupid and broken and fucked up.

[ rose wouldn't put it like that, no one would use those exact words. mostly dave would use them. but he's pretty sure in this case, like in a few others, his own disparagement of his person would be validated, and sometimes it's a bit much to take coming from people he doesn't want to hear that kind of shit from. ]

[splinten]

[His fingers curl in, around Dave's palms.]

I don't think it is, honestly. Thinkin' in ways that you don't want to doesn't make you stupid or broken, and neither doesn't it make you worth any less.

[the thing im arguing against is the idea that youre somehow worth less as a person
just because youre not some ideal that doesnt even fucking exist

Dave isn't worth less as a person. Dave isn't worth less ever.]

It isn't fair, but all the ways you learned to think helped you make it through your childhood. They protected you from being totally destroyed by him. I think if they kept you alive to this point, then they weren't stupid at all, they were necessary so that you could survive long enough to learn different ways of thinking. It just sucks that you had to think like this in the first place.

[parodeity]

I've told you before. If I'm gonna be destroyed -

[ it'll be dirk or the others. maybe he didn't say it explicitly like that, but he's called dirk a genetic heartbreaker before or something stupid like that, and dave is pretty sure that's how he'll get crushed someday. there's always new damage being done and he's never got his defenses in place as well as he did with bro.

it sucks. ]

Ask me a question.

[ he doesn't care what. something serious or something not. dave has no idea how to start explaining himself, and he's still not sure if he wants to. ]

[splinten]

Do you believe that I try my best for you? Not asking for a trophy just for effort, but. Yeah. Didn't know if that was covered under things you did or didn't believe.

[ok so we're going serious here. It's a genuine question though, one he is sincerely unsure of. He fails a lot, but he does try, to the best of his deeply fucked up ability. He always tries.]

[parodeity]

[ well. dave said to ask. he lets out a breath, slow. ]

...Sometimes. [ not always. dave doesn't think dirk deliberately does less than his best at anything, but: ] When you're thinkin' about it. Sometimes I believe it.

[splinten]

That's fair. [Dirk exhales too, slowly. It's a fair reply.]

...Would you rather have heelies or light-up sneakers?

[Also a stupid question to add in. He thinks having something dumb to think about will help Dave though.]