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It feels like my fault. If I tell people a million times after I admit they're hurtin' me that it's my issue and they shouldn't bother to care and they take me at my word, isn't it?

[ and it's definitely what he thinks he'd prefer to do. just be the one to take the hit. sure, it's incredibly sucky, but better him than whoever else? it takes so much to admit he's not okay and to stick to that. ]

I'm not sayin' it's their fault if they get thrown for a loop by your obscurity. [Even Dirk gets confused sometimes. ...And blames himself for it so in that case he would say it's his fault, but.] It's more like... if you've got two people on either side of a chasm, and someone throws the rope but the other dude misses it, then the other person slipped up, but catchin' a rope across that distance is hard. They made a mistake, but it was at something difficult. And if the rope-tosser in this metaphor gets weird flashbacks to the time tossing a rope involved him in a tragic accident where his wife was murdered by clowns, can you really blame the rope-tosser if it's hard for them to make a second throw when the first was already a mental tour through a carnival of painful backstory? I don't think it's fair to expect Batman to just be able to do that kind of thing over and over again like it's nothing. It's hard on both sides, for different reasons, and failing to acknowledge that for either person is doing a disservice to them, ropes, and also probably Bruce and Martha. It might be a disservice to the Joker but I do not give a shit about that dude. Definitely the top Batman villain I'd like to see done for, although nothin' but respect to Mark Hamill for what he did for the role.

[What is the metaphor at this point. Dirk is not sure. He's losing it.]

Okay, that maybe got a little muddled. I just mean that you have your reasons for having difficulty with this. I don't think that means you should just give up on it, but I do believe that it's unfair to expect you to do it like it's nothing, over and over, when it isn't nothing. It's a difficult task, and you deserve credit for the efforts you've made on that front. I'm proud of how far you've come. There's more to sort out but you couldn't have even started that without working on this first. Likewise, me and Vantas and whoever else need to work on getting better at catching figurative rope when it's metaphorically tossed our way.

The metaphor is trying to build a rope bridge. I do not actually know how those are made.

[kinda. obviously.]

[ the corner of his mouth curls up, just a hair. it's the first break to tired neutrality since he climbed up to dirk's bunk. it's not much of a break for anyone else, but. ]

You made me batman in the metaphor. [ usually dirk would make himself batman? that's hilarious? ]

[How dare. You question his metaphor??]

The metaphor asked for you to take on the role of Batman. [It just went that way ok.]

[ like dirk doesn't question dave's metaphors. there's a huff of breath that isn't exactly a laugh, before dave says: ]

Ask me another question, then, Alfred.

Thank you for making me the most badass member of the Batfamily. [Alfred is cool? He has no shame over being Alfred.

Okay. Another question. Hm.]

Did you ever like any superheroes?

No. I said I did, but I pretty much hated all superheroes.

[ what was the point of them? ]

Edited 2017-02-22 02:06 (UTC)

[Dirk's favourite superhero was his Bro. So often Dave's feelings on his Bro echo Dirk's on his, but the darkly: my Bro was a hero, Dave claims, and Dirk doesn't believe it for a second. What's the point of a superhero? Dave has this.

I figured.

[He has more questions but he's waiting to get the go-ahead before he tosses any out.]

Then why'd you ask, dumbass?

[ there's no real fire to it. ]

It's a waste of a question to ask somethin' you already knew.

I wasn't aware there was a limited number of questions on this. Are there genie rules too?

I don't grant wishes to assholes, so you're fresh out of luck. So's everyone else.

[ except like hotaru but ]

I'll stop you when I'm done.

What part of the board game experiment made you get disconnected?

[If there are still questions on the table, then he guesses he will bring up this one.]

The part where I'm a complete fuck-up. It was a stupid idea, he hated bein' there.

[ he just. shuts his eyes again. ]

Other shit.

[Dirk sees them close.] Is that you being done?

No. Yes? On that question. New question?

[ just, like - ]

The other stuff isn't fair.

Things that aren't fair can still be things that matter. Unfortunately, we cannot actually just guilt away how we feel about things because we disagree with them.

[....

Well. Okay.]

Okay, so you can, but we can't really effectively do it in a way that helps us or other people.

[EVEN IF YOU DISSOCIATE, DAVE! But, despite that.]

We can move on though.

Just...I broke it irreparably by admitting I wasn't chill with how things were.

[ he's terrified he did the same thing here. ]

Next question.

[Ah.

Dirk still has one of Dave's hands, still kept close. The pad of his thumb touches against that palm, light, present.]

Do... [He trails off, stops himself. Swallows back and looks down at Dave's hands. He wants to say it. He doesn't know if he wants to say it. He believes they can come back from anything if they don't let go.

Please don't let go.

Yeah Dave might have to prod him to finish this one.]

[ he'll wait a few minutes before opening his eye and trying to finish the sentence. dirk isn't usually the one who has to be forced to finish a thought.

it's weird being on the other side. ]

...Do I what?

[ he hasn't tugged his hand back at all. so that's still fine. ]

I don't want to break something more or push too hard at you.

[That is not a question. That is an explanation of fear.]

That isn't taking into consideration the ugly selfishness of just wanting things from you. Our best outcomes probably coincide, but I don't know how to think unselfishly. I'm too much myself not to want to be close to you, and it terrifies me that it can blind me to what you actually need, and that the closer I hold you the more damage I can do without even knowing what I'm doing.

[ he's terrible at asking for what he needs, or even recognizing it. sometimes if he knows what it is, dave won't ask for it or accept it. some of the things he needs aren't acceptable - they're too selfish or too much for the kid who has never felt okay asking other people for anything much at all in seriousness. so far, asking for help or admitting to a problem hasn't gone a that well, either. it's easier to just...not.

hell, karkat would still be fine if dave had just never brought up any of the things that were bothering him and accepted it for what it was. ]

Was that what you were goin' to say, or were you goin' to ask a question?

[It wasn't what he was trying to say, and he shakes his head. It's bothering him; he's struggling with how to put it.]

I want to promise thinks that I can't guarantee to keep. I'd like to promise not to leave or forgot, and that I'll always listen and hear you. I'd like to promise that I'm always here and I'll never fail you. I have failed you, though, in new and creative ways every time. I can't blame you for wanting to give up on me, and us. You've put yourself through a lot of pain for me and I'm incredibly grateful.

I haven't...

[ given up, except maybe he has in a way? he's readjusted his expectations so that he won't kill himself over them. but isn't that just normal? he still has some, sort of, which is better than the none dave had operated on for so long. every time he misses the mark he scales back closer to that, admittedly, but he's not all the way there. not yet. ]

Ask the question, Dirk.

[ whatever it is. ]

Does it... Do...

[Fuck. One hand lets go of Dave's, rakes through his hair. He breathes out.]

I can't be perfect, but I can promise to try to be better, to try to not make the same mistake. I can promise to try to be here and listen and help, and stop failing you. I want that. I've been becoming who I want to be trying to get to that all this time; I don't want to stop. I want to work with you, and improve together, and while my failures are many and likely to have successors, the one thing I know I can promise is not to give up on you. You're too important to me not to try, and try better, because fuck Yoda's bullshit, with the situation we're in and where we've been standing, the effort isn't worth nothing. If it were worthless it wouldn't be this hard, or at least I think so.

Is that okay? I don't know if it is. I don't know if it counts for anything. The idea of giving up, though, just doesn't work for me, not with how much you mean, and if we can continue to work on it and just promise to try, our mistakes and our failures don't have to be game over. I don't know if it's worth the pain to you, and I understand if it isn't, but I still can't come to accept that we can't work together. It isn't an impossible promise for me to make, but I get that it's a lot to ask you to allow it.

I know I can promise you that because it hasn't failed me once. I've never given up on us, and I've never stopped wanting to work out the problems that have come up. The whole reason that I want you to tell me when there's a problem is so we can try to work on it. Even if we can't get an ideal solution, there are points for effort. There's a gold star in it that says we still think this is worth trying for. Ten points to Gryffindor. Shit. [He covers his eyes with that hand, presses at the temples. Tries to breathe out.]

Do you think I'm a Slytherin? That isn't my question. You'd be a cool Hufflepuff.

My question is, am I hurting you just by wanting this?

I don't know. I'm not sure what you're sayin' you want, here. [ just them? or the details, where dirk wants to know everything and not let anything slide? or a million other things? ] Usually the blame for hurtin' myself can be laid at my doorstep. I'm not...I don't do things right. I don't want shit that people are supposed to want, probably. I can't let myself do that shit. You don't deserve it.

[ no one deserves to put up with dave strider, really, and dave tries to spare them his bullshit when and where he can. he doesn't always succeed. ]

I don't know about your house placement. You're not that cunnin' and I'd say your workaholic tendencies are less about ambition and more about other shit.

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