parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

[Dave. Why are you like this.

His hand moves to ruffle Dave's hair btw.]

You're a dumbass, bro.

I am not. I didn't want to be alone like last time and who else would I stick to? Jade would ask what was up and John might actually get suspicious.

[ ... ]

Ok, he probably wouldn't. But he's very...John.

Also, you're still messed up about the John situation.

[If Dirk is not misreading things.]

[ ............... ]

Why do you think I'm messed up about that.

[ like besides admitting to having a panic attack after ditching john and saying he needed to go on a trip with rose to have space from john and like, other comments indicating maybe he's messed up about the john situation

BESIDES ALL THAT ]

[....]

Your reaction right now is a pretty strong confirmation. The panic attacks also were a small hint. A dozen other comments throughout this conversation, let alone your initial reaction of throwing yourself backwards in time to find out what happened when you've never done that before.

[ DON'T CALL HIM OUT ON HIS ENTIRELY SUBTLE JOHN BREAKDOWN no one else noticed it so at least there's that? ]

Ok but I should have thought to do that earlier. What the fuck.

[ he should. address dirk's comments. shit. shit shit shit ]

I [ have been trying not to think about it at all ] am a really fuckin' shitty best friend.

[ he can't ]

[dave's dumb txt it]

You're going to have to clarify on that claim, because right now it sounds baseless.

I can't tell him the most basic fact about me. I've never been able to tell him it. He still thinks -

[ hell. dave should warn him? ]

Bro's all that and I moved off base because you couldn't take it and probably he still thinks I'm cool with puppets?? And if he asks me about any of it I'll lie. Immediately. No hesitation.

[well that lie is. not super surprising, and admittedly Dirk would hold it up but literally anyone else would probably be able to tell John that in fact it isn't the case. not a great lie, there.]

You said you don't want to tell him those things because you just don't tell people like that how things are. Is that still it? I know there's the issue of forgettin', but that isn't even a question if we don't look at this first.

It's a huge part of it.

[ it's john. it's one thing to tell him hey i like dudes as well as girls. it's another thing to go hey i was abused. dave's not entirely sure john can handle that, or if he wouldn't react with some comment dave can't handle. it's really impossible to tell. ]

So's the part where I've lied to him since the day we met. Not about somethin' stupid like which way I swung, but just - everythin', full stop. The shit that mattered. But - it's John. He doesn't...he shouldn't need to know how the world works.

I get that. [They both have their sides of that family. The Prospit dreamers. But Jake and Jane have, to Dirk, always been unable to escape all the shittiness in the world. Jane crew up as the heir to the Condesce; Jake found his grandmother's corpse after she was murdered, and sat there for hours as she burned. They were never protected.]

Jade took it okay. This is different?

[Genuine question again, and gently asked. Is Jade not the same as John here?]

John's the normal one.

[ out of all of them. ]

He used to text me about outings with his dad. Like...I dunno. Buyin' nosehair trimmers or just fuckin' boring shit and it was so inexplicably ordinary. His biggest complaints 'till we started the game was like, too much cake bein' a thing, and also his dad's clown obsession but it was like...it was ordinary and he didn't get hurt, ever. His Dad was there for him. I don't think it ever occurred to him any of the rest of us might not have that.

[ a vague half-made hand gesture. ]

Shit happened in the game, but he's still John. He knows about crappy sburb stuff but he doesn't know about the ordinary nightmares that used to exist, because they never did for him, outside of maybe movies or video games. Jade...hasn't mentioned it since then and I never said more than the one sentence to her. I don't know if I want her to, ever. I'm still not sure sayin' anything was the right choice.

[ at the very least jade knew about loss and darkness from the start, sunshine child or no. ]

I don't want to be responsible for wreckin' John Egbert's view of the world. And I don't...I can't. I can't tell him about it.

You said 'and' you can't tell him. [It's a very particular to pick up on.] Implying that it's a different thing from not wanting to wreck his worldview.

Because I kept thinkin' I should, that I owe it to him if - he trusts me. I don't deserve that if I can't even...

[ but he can't. he thought about it all day, all week, half a month - nearly a full month now, with looping.

and yet. ]

But every time I do I just - [ his heart starts racing and it's hard to breathe and he has to sit down and yeah his chest is already feeling a little tight because holy shit he should tell john, he's a terrible person for not, but it's john and he can't and what if john forgets and what if john remembers and what if john looks at him for even half a second with pity in his eyes instead of sympathy or anything but that - ]

Hey. Dave.

[Dirk takes hold of the hand Dave between them. He tries to get his focus over here.] Recite something for me. Tell me the names of all our Kharaa bros.

[Come out of the panic attack, stay grounded, stay here.]

[ the hand holding helps. at least enough that dave refocuses his gaze and tries to pay attention. right. a list. ]

P Diddy, Thomas Jefferson, Queen Elizabeth -

[ it's a long list. it has probably gotten longer since the last time dirk heard it, but dave will respond to a request for inanity instantly, even if he's talking too fast or under his breath sometimes. ]

[Dirk waits through the entire list. The entire, very very long list.]

It's the historical figures that surprise me the most. [Why T Jeffs.]

I ran out of rappers.

[ obviously? ]

And, like, I figured it might get them interested in human history?

Do we want them interested in human history?

[It's messy history??]

I dunno. I kinda figure maybe if they learn more about us...something?

[ he just wants............to save them from the conquest life. or at least get them to like, conquest...less. ]

As if SBAHJ isn't the only ambassador humanity needs.

[No, Dirk understands what Dave means. Dave is trying.]

God you have no idea how much I wish that were the case.

[ just. it would be SO MUCH easier? ]

Meme diplomacy would be cool too.

[tragically, not the reality they live in]

Visualizing it is enough to freak you out at this point. [This is not about meme diplomacy.] So imagining going through with it is maybe not the place to start right now. An actual person who knows how these things might be able to help more with it, but uh, you have me. We should probably stick to the here-and-now, at least until you aren't guaranteed a bullet train ticket straight to panic town.

So...where do you think the place to start is.

[ because dave sure doesn't fucking know? ]

[Okay. Here we go. The part where Dirk pretends he has a better grasp on how to be healthy and stable than he actually is.

Yeah no, he cannot actually fake that even at his best. But he has some ideas.] It might be worth starting with what you want your friendship. Not like the details or consequences of this desire. Put 'em on hold.

Do you want to be honest with John about everything?

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