parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

[well that lie is. not super surprising, and admittedly Dirk would hold it up but literally anyone else would probably be able to tell John that in fact it isn't the case. not a great lie, there.]

You said you don't want to tell him those things because you just don't tell people like that how things are. Is that still it? I know there's the issue of forgettin', but that isn't even a question if we don't look at this first.

It's a huge part of it.

[ it's john. it's one thing to tell him hey i like dudes as well as girls. it's another thing to go hey i was abused. dave's not entirely sure john can handle that, or if he wouldn't react with some comment dave can't handle. it's really impossible to tell. ]

So's the part where I've lied to him since the day we met. Not about somethin' stupid like which way I swung, but just - everythin', full stop. The shit that mattered. But - it's John. He doesn't...he shouldn't need to know how the world works.

I get that. [They both have their sides of that family. The Prospit dreamers. But Jake and Jane have, to Dirk, always been unable to escape all the shittiness in the world. Jane crew up as the heir to the Condesce; Jake found his grandmother's corpse after she was murdered, and sat there for hours as she burned. They were never protected.]

Jade took it okay. This is different?

[Genuine question again, and gently asked. Is Jade not the same as John here?]

John's the normal one.

[ out of all of them. ]

He used to text me about outings with his dad. Like...I dunno. Buyin' nosehair trimmers or just fuckin' boring shit and it was so inexplicably ordinary. His biggest complaints 'till we started the game was like, too much cake bein' a thing, and also his dad's clown obsession but it was like...it was ordinary and he didn't get hurt, ever. His Dad was there for him. I don't think it ever occurred to him any of the rest of us might not have that.

[ a vague half-made hand gesture. ]

Shit happened in the game, but he's still John. He knows about crappy sburb stuff but he doesn't know about the ordinary nightmares that used to exist, because they never did for him, outside of maybe movies or video games. Jade...hasn't mentioned it since then and I never said more than the one sentence to her. I don't know if I want her to, ever. I'm still not sure sayin' anything was the right choice.

[ at the very least jade knew about loss and darkness from the start, sunshine child or no. ]

I don't want to be responsible for wreckin' John Egbert's view of the world. And I don't...I can't. I can't tell him about it.

You said 'and' you can't tell him. [It's a very particular to pick up on.] Implying that it's a different thing from not wanting to wreck his worldview.

Because I kept thinkin' I should, that I owe it to him if - he trusts me. I don't deserve that if I can't even...

[ but he can't. he thought about it all day, all week, half a month - nearly a full month now, with looping.

and yet. ]

But every time I do I just - [ his heart starts racing and it's hard to breathe and he has to sit down and yeah his chest is already feeling a little tight because holy shit he should tell john, he's a terrible person for not, but it's john and he can't and what if john forgets and what if john remembers and what if john looks at him for even half a second with pity in his eyes instead of sympathy or anything but that - ]

Hey. Dave.

[Dirk takes hold of the hand Dave between them. He tries to get his focus over here.] Recite something for me. Tell me the names of all our Kharaa bros.

[Come out of the panic attack, stay grounded, stay here.]

[ the hand holding helps. at least enough that dave refocuses his gaze and tries to pay attention. right. a list. ]

P Diddy, Thomas Jefferson, Queen Elizabeth -

[ it's a long list. it has probably gotten longer since the last time dirk heard it, but dave will respond to a request for inanity instantly, even if he's talking too fast or under his breath sometimes. ]

[Dirk waits through the entire list. The entire, very very long list.]

It's the historical figures that surprise me the most. [Why T Jeffs.]

I ran out of rappers.

[ obviously? ]

And, like, I figured it might get them interested in human history?

Do we want them interested in human history?

[It's messy history??]

I dunno. I kinda figure maybe if they learn more about us...something?

[ he just wants............to save them from the conquest life. or at least get them to like, conquest...less. ]

As if SBAHJ isn't the only ambassador humanity needs.

[No, Dirk understands what Dave means. Dave is trying.]

God you have no idea how much I wish that were the case.

[ just. it would be SO MUCH easier? ]

Meme diplomacy would be cool too.

[tragically, not the reality they live in]

Visualizing it is enough to freak you out at this point. [This is not about meme diplomacy.] So imagining going through with it is maybe not the place to start right now. An actual person who knows how these things might be able to help more with it, but uh, you have me. We should probably stick to the here-and-now, at least until you aren't guaranteed a bullet train ticket straight to panic town.

So...where do you think the place to start is.

[ because dave sure doesn't fucking know? ]

[Okay. Here we go. The part where Dirk pretends he has a better grasp on how to be healthy and stable than he actually is.

Yeah no, he cannot actually fake that even at his best. But he has some ideas.] It might be worth starting with what you want your friendship. Not like the details or consequences of this desire. Put 'em on hold.

Do you want to be honest with John about everything?

I...don't know. I think - I think I should want to be.

[ he's not even sure he wanted to be honest with jade, if it comes down to it. he'd done that mostly because - he'd want to know, in the reverse. so maybe he had to tell her? ]

I'd want him to tell me, reversed. I'm a hypocrite, we knew this.

Yeah, your hypocrisy has been covered. The 11 o'clock news has hit it and Anderson Cooper's already run us an expose. That one is settled.

[So, don't worry about that.]

'Should' might not be important here. I am not suddenly switchin' to team lie-to-people here, but that really isn't what we want to work on. I think maybe we need to establish if it is actually important for you to be honest about this kind of thing. One, for your friendship, and two, for the fact that you may continue to have to lie to him about things, and you seem unsure how that will affect you. You've told me before that lies were never really an issue in your friendships.

They weren't. They aren't, just -

[ honestly, he could lie to everyone and never worry about it, except. ]

You and Rose get in my head.

[There's a slight pause.

Despite himself, there's a little bit of amusement.]

On behalf of me and Rose, our apologies for tryin' to get you to be more honest.

[IT'S. KINDA FUNNY? Like sure he set Dave up for this godawful problem and he feels bad about that but. It is also a little bit hilarious that this is now a problem.]

Okay, which part of it is what's gettin' into your head?

[ FUCK YOU? dave will kick dirk in the shin? lightly, but. ]

The way you both always say you'd rather know, even when I'd really fuckin' rather not tell you. [ because sometimes that's more important than silence. not hurting them. sometimes it isn't, sometimes he still can't make himself do it, but. ] The way you always say I - should.

[nah, dodge that.]

It's worth noting that Jade and John might not share the preferences of maybe the most annoyingly knowledge-obsessed players in Paradox Space. Me and Rose are both kinda assholes about that.

[Of course it isn't his actual point, but it's something easier to deal with.]

We think you should say these things for us, but also for your own sake. You're allowed to not be ready to tell the truth.

I wasn't really ready to tell either of you. I'm never goin' to be ready to tell anyone.

[ like. maybe in a few decades? or at least a few years. but probably longer than that. ]

Fair enough. I do think, though, that you needed to. Me, because I was so much like him but not quite, and her eventually because of she's the light-of-your-life.

[dirk don't tease dave about that

no he will]

Does that ring true?

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject