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[parodeity]

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[parodeity]

She's Rose.

[ how does he sum up what rose lalonde means to him? it's different from jade and john, because he loves them but he's closer to rose, even for all she'd gotten wrapped up in kanaya and other things at certain points. ]

When we were thirteen she tried to die so I wouldn't have to, after we agreed I would be the one doin' that. In too many timelines to count, we ended up alone together and had to fix things, or at least kill ourselves trying. She... [ he knows her at her worst and best and they have never practiced outright honesty until fairly recently because that's not how they operated and it never quite mattered. ] We operate on a different level, I guess.

[ she's his sister. they have always functioned like that even before they knew that was a thing, even if there are unfortunate flirtatious tones because dave is an idiot. ]

[splinten]

Yeah.

[Rose is her own category. Dirk knows it, and he thinks the explanation is enough to carry the meaning.]

John, and Jade, are different. Yes? [It's an invitation to elaborate.]

[parodeity]

Yeah. I've been...honest with them about things that don't matter, or like - shit I like or don't like, with some obvious lies thrown into the mix. I'm me with them, just...not the subscription version? I guess? They do know me better than the average Joe. But we never talked about stuff of the came caliber or depth that I discussed with Rose, even back then.

[ he's not sure if this is the elaboration dirk was asking for or not. ]

I love them and I'd die for them but I don't know if they really get who Rose and I are fullstop.

[splinten]

I could go into an argument about how no one ever really gets who anyone is fullstop. [Sorry he's Dirk.] Ok, so. Worst case scenario for not telling John. What's the worst thing that could happen?

[parodeity]

He could find out from not me tellin' him.

[splinten]

[Dirk doesn't see that as really likely, but he can follow it.] Gossip, or weird dream shit, or some third option?

[parodeity]

All of the above. John's oblivious, but he isn't a complete idiot. All he really has to do is talk to the right troll about the wrong shit. I told you they had viewports, right? And unfettered access to our personal timelines. So - gossip wouldn't even require you or Rose or Vantas to break faith.

[ just...you know, any of the various trolls he has Not explained his life to. ]

[splinten]

[Ah. Yes.]

Okay, so that's a reasonably possible outcome. Putting it aside, worst thing if he never finds out?

[parodeity]

I probably don't need to worry about what I would with you. Like - if you hadn't known, you could...set me off, but John...

[ how to put it. ]

Bein' around him is like gettin' a straight shot of pure energy towards exactly what you always try to tear down. [ it's like being thirteen again and being around john makes it feel easy, the lies coming second-nature. ] If he never finds out...I don't know. I guess I'd just feel like crap sometimes for not tellin' him, but that's nothin' new and not comparable, I guess?

[splinten]

Maybe it is. You said he makes you feel like you were when you were thirteen. Do you want to go back to that?

[parodeity]

[ dave...freezes. ]

I. [ shit, he doesn't know? ] It felt easy. It was so easy.

[splinten]

It was thirteen, constant formative years versus the unsteady, much shorter span we have on not doing that.

[Backsliding isn't surprising.]

Backsliding is normal.

[parodeity]

Sixteen.

[ a quiet correction. ]

Sixteen years. On the meteor I like, thought about the things I did and why I did them. But I never talked about it. It was sixteen years of the same old mask.

[splinten]

[Sixteen. Not a surprise. A gentle affirmation in a nod.]

Versus not even one.

[parodeity]

Sometimes this feels easy with you or Rose. [ sometimes. in the good moments, once or twice in a desperately bad moment. on occasion, it comes easier than it has before. ] But usually it's very, very difficult.

[ deliberately going against his past. ]

But I don't think I'd be happy doing things the easy way with you, even if I've tried.

[splinten]

We both know I wouldn't be happy. It's gratifying you aren't either. [Which... is maybe terrible? Shit. Is it terrible. Or is it good.

He doesn't know.]

Ignoring whether or not that was fucked up of me to think, what's the worst case scenario for you telling John? Without visualizing it. [No panic attack.]

[parodeity]

[ there's a knot in his throat. dave swallows around it. ]

He looks at me different.

[splinten]

[Okay. That's enough. Dirk remembers a conversation: do you pity me?]

You don't have to decide right now. You can wait.

[parodeity]

Sometimes I wonder how you would've looked at me if you didn't know.

[ on a sideways related note ]

[splinten]

With a lot of confusion and hurt, I'd guess.

[Since he'd be confused about how he fucked up every time he did, and he'd never even know why Dave didn't like him, and every time Dave shoved him away he'd be helpless and lost to figure out why this alternate iteration of the person he admires most seems to hate him.]

[parodeity]

...I mean, there's that part, also. But I meant, like, if you would have thought I were...

[ how to put it. ]

Competent and not lame? Which isn't a complaint about how you do see me.

[splinten]

[There's a pause. Because there are two ways to answer this, and both are true.]

I do think you're competent and not lame. You're a really cool person, in the ways that matter most, and you're really skilled and capable of handling a lot of different situations.

[That's way one.]

But I don't even think my baffled woundedness would have kept me from noticin' what an awkward, clumsy loser you are.

[And that's the other way]

[parodeity]

Hey?

[ it's the mildest protest in the history of the universe. and honestly, he likes that dirk can see who he is...usually.

though it never stops flustering him when dirk calls him cool in any way. in that way. ]

That helped. Back then. That you were, too.

[splinten]

In retrospect, my awkward incompetence in terms of human interaction was, I guess, an asset.

[Since awkwardness isn't robotic terribleness.]

[parodeity]

You were like me.

[ clarifying. ]

It wasn't like it was just that you weren't like Bro. You were like me.

[ it was a weird connection to have when it wasn't one he expected to ever get. ]