parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

You said 'and' you can't tell him. [It's a very particular to pick up on.] Implying that it's a different thing from not wanting to wreck his worldview.

Because I kept thinkin' I should, that I owe it to him if - he trusts me. I don't deserve that if I can't even...

[ but he can't. he thought about it all day, all week, half a month - nearly a full month now, with looping.

and yet. ]

But every time I do I just - [ his heart starts racing and it's hard to breathe and he has to sit down and yeah his chest is already feeling a little tight because holy shit he should tell john, he's a terrible person for not, but it's john and he can't and what if john forgets and what if john remembers and what if john looks at him for even half a second with pity in his eyes instead of sympathy or anything but that - ]

Hey. Dave.

[Dirk takes hold of the hand Dave between them. He tries to get his focus over here.] Recite something for me. Tell me the names of all our Kharaa bros.

[Come out of the panic attack, stay grounded, stay here.]

[ the hand holding helps. at least enough that dave refocuses his gaze and tries to pay attention. right. a list. ]

P Diddy, Thomas Jefferson, Queen Elizabeth -

[ it's a long list. it has probably gotten longer since the last time dirk heard it, but dave will respond to a request for inanity instantly, even if he's talking too fast or under his breath sometimes. ]

[Dirk waits through the entire list. The entire, very very long list.]

It's the historical figures that surprise me the most. [Why T Jeffs.]

I ran out of rappers.

[ obviously? ]

And, like, I figured it might get them interested in human history?

Do we want them interested in human history?

[It's messy history??]

I dunno. I kinda figure maybe if they learn more about us...something?

[ he just wants............to save them from the conquest life. or at least get them to like, conquest...less. ]

As if SBAHJ isn't the only ambassador humanity needs.

[No, Dirk understands what Dave means. Dave is trying.]

God you have no idea how much I wish that were the case.

[ just. it would be SO MUCH easier? ]

Meme diplomacy would be cool too.

[tragically, not the reality they live in]

Visualizing it is enough to freak you out at this point. [This is not about meme diplomacy.] So imagining going through with it is maybe not the place to start right now. An actual person who knows how these things might be able to help more with it, but uh, you have me. We should probably stick to the here-and-now, at least until you aren't guaranteed a bullet train ticket straight to panic town.

So...where do you think the place to start is.

[ because dave sure doesn't fucking know? ]

[Okay. Here we go. The part where Dirk pretends he has a better grasp on how to be healthy and stable than he actually is.

Yeah no, he cannot actually fake that even at his best. But he has some ideas.] It might be worth starting with what you want your friendship. Not like the details or consequences of this desire. Put 'em on hold.

Do you want to be honest with John about everything?

I...don't know. I think - I think I should want to be.

[ he's not even sure he wanted to be honest with jade, if it comes down to it. he'd done that mostly because - he'd want to know, in the reverse. so maybe he had to tell her? ]

I'd want him to tell me, reversed. I'm a hypocrite, we knew this.

Yeah, your hypocrisy has been covered. The 11 o'clock news has hit it and Anderson Cooper's already run us an expose. That one is settled.

[So, don't worry about that.]

'Should' might not be important here. I am not suddenly switchin' to team lie-to-people here, but that really isn't what we want to work on. I think maybe we need to establish if it is actually important for you to be honest about this kind of thing. One, for your friendship, and two, for the fact that you may continue to have to lie to him about things, and you seem unsure how that will affect you. You've told me before that lies were never really an issue in your friendships.

They weren't. They aren't, just -

[ honestly, he could lie to everyone and never worry about it, except. ]

You and Rose get in my head.

[There's a slight pause.

Despite himself, there's a little bit of amusement.]

On behalf of me and Rose, our apologies for tryin' to get you to be more honest.

[IT'S. KINDA FUNNY? Like sure he set Dave up for this godawful problem and he feels bad about that but. It is also a little bit hilarious that this is now a problem.]

Okay, which part of it is what's gettin' into your head?

[ FUCK YOU? dave will kick dirk in the shin? lightly, but. ]

The way you both always say you'd rather know, even when I'd really fuckin' rather not tell you. [ because sometimes that's more important than silence. not hurting them. sometimes it isn't, sometimes he still can't make himself do it, but. ] The way you always say I - should.

[nah, dodge that.]

It's worth noting that Jade and John might not share the preferences of maybe the most annoyingly knowledge-obsessed players in Paradox Space. Me and Rose are both kinda assholes about that.

[Of course it isn't his actual point, but it's something easier to deal with.]

We think you should say these things for us, but also for your own sake. You're allowed to not be ready to tell the truth.

I wasn't really ready to tell either of you. I'm never goin' to be ready to tell anyone.

[ like. maybe in a few decades? or at least a few years. but probably longer than that. ]

Fair enough. I do think, though, that you needed to. Me, because I was so much like him but not quite, and her eventually because of she's the light-of-your-life.

[dirk don't tease dave about that

no he will]

Does that ring true?

You're the nearest thing I'll ever get to closure. [ wait. ] That sounds bad. You know how I meant it, though, I think?

[ standing by bro's corpse impaled on his own stupid sword with terezi's text scrolling by and ideas not his own in his head from his wanderer or what the fuck ever and at the time he'd been fully committed to the farce that bro was his hero but even so he couldn't cry and all he'd been able to think was now what. no answers to any questions, ever, and no ending in sight even though it was over.

dirk can't fix that. at the time, though, he'd provided some sort of sounding board for shit dave had never said aloud. ]

I can never say any of the shit I said to you to him. Rose, [ there aren't really words for it. ] Rose is different.

I do.

[Dave is the same, though Dave is different. Dave isn't his Bro but there's just enough to start handling some of those things, and maybe it's enough to let him move on. Maybe.]

How is Rose different?

She's Rose.

[ how does he sum up what rose lalonde means to him? it's different from jade and john, because he loves them but he's closer to rose, even for all she'd gotten wrapped up in kanaya and other things at certain points. ]

When we were thirteen she tried to die so I wouldn't have to, after we agreed I would be the one doin' that. In too many timelines to count, we ended up alone together and had to fix things, or at least kill ourselves trying. She... [ he knows her at her worst and best and they have never practiced outright honesty until fairly recently because that's not how they operated and it never quite mattered. ] We operate on a different level, I guess.

[ she's his sister. they have always functioned like that even before they knew that was a thing, even if there are unfortunate flirtatious tones because dave is an idiot. ]

Yeah.

[Rose is her own category. Dirk knows it, and he thinks the explanation is enough to carry the meaning.]

John, and Jade, are different. Yes? [It's an invitation to elaborate.]

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