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[nah, dodge that.]

It's worth noting that Jade and John might not share the preferences of maybe the most annoyingly knowledge-obsessed players in Paradox Space. Me and Rose are both kinda assholes about that.

[Of course it isn't his actual point, but it's something easier to deal with.]

We think you should say these things for us, but also for your own sake. You're allowed to not be ready to tell the truth.

I wasn't really ready to tell either of you. I'm never goin' to be ready to tell anyone.

[ like. maybe in a few decades? or at least a few years. but probably longer than that. ]

Fair enough. I do think, though, that you needed to. Me, because I was so much like him but not quite, and her eventually because of she's the light-of-your-life.

[dirk don't tease dave about that

no he will]

Does that ring true?

You're the nearest thing I'll ever get to closure. [ wait. ] That sounds bad. You know how I meant it, though, I think?

[ standing by bro's corpse impaled on his own stupid sword with terezi's text scrolling by and ideas not his own in his head from his wanderer or what the fuck ever and at the time he'd been fully committed to the farce that bro was his hero but even so he couldn't cry and all he'd been able to think was now what. no answers to any questions, ever, and no ending in sight even though it was over.

dirk can't fix that. at the time, though, he'd provided some sort of sounding board for shit dave had never said aloud. ]

I can never say any of the shit I said to you to him. Rose, [ there aren't really words for it. ] Rose is different.

I do.

[Dave is the same, though Dave is different. Dave isn't his Bro but there's just enough to start handling some of those things, and maybe it's enough to let him move on. Maybe.]

How is Rose different?

She's Rose.

[ how does he sum up what rose lalonde means to him? it's different from jade and john, because he loves them but he's closer to rose, even for all she'd gotten wrapped up in kanaya and other things at certain points. ]

When we were thirteen she tried to die so I wouldn't have to, after we agreed I would be the one doin' that. In too many timelines to count, we ended up alone together and had to fix things, or at least kill ourselves trying. She... [ he knows her at her worst and best and they have never practiced outright honesty until fairly recently because that's not how they operated and it never quite mattered. ] We operate on a different level, I guess.

[ she's his sister. they have always functioned like that even before they knew that was a thing, even if there are unfortunate flirtatious tones because dave is an idiot. ]

Yeah.

[Rose is her own category. Dirk knows it, and he thinks the explanation is enough to carry the meaning.]

John, and Jade, are different. Yes? [It's an invitation to elaborate.]

Yeah. I've been...honest with them about things that don't matter, or like - shit I like or don't like, with some obvious lies thrown into the mix. I'm me with them, just...not the subscription version? I guess? They do know me better than the average Joe. But we never talked about stuff of the came caliber or depth that I discussed with Rose, even back then.

[ he's not sure if this is the elaboration dirk was asking for or not. ]

I love them and I'd die for them but I don't know if they really get who Rose and I are fullstop.

I could go into an argument about how no one ever really gets who anyone is fullstop. [Sorry he's Dirk.] Ok, so. Worst case scenario for not telling John. What's the worst thing that could happen?

He could find out from not me tellin' him.

Edited 2017-02-23 22:07 (UTC)

[Dirk doesn't see that as really likely, but he can follow it.] Gossip, or weird dream shit, or some third option?

All of the above. John's oblivious, but he isn't a complete idiot. All he really has to do is talk to the right troll about the wrong shit. I told you they had viewports, right? And unfettered access to our personal timelines. So - gossip wouldn't even require you or Rose or Vantas to break faith.

[ just...you know, any of the various trolls he has Not explained his life to. ]

[Ah. Yes.]

Okay, so that's a reasonably possible outcome. Putting it aside, worst thing if he never finds out?

I probably don't need to worry about what I would with you. Like - if you hadn't known, you could...set me off, but John...

[ how to put it. ]

Bein' around him is like gettin' a straight shot of pure energy towards exactly what you always try to tear down. [ it's like being thirteen again and being around john makes it feel easy, the lies coming second-nature. ] If he never finds out...I don't know. I guess I'd just feel like crap sometimes for not tellin' him, but that's nothin' new and not comparable, I guess?

Maybe it is. You said he makes you feel like you were when you were thirteen. Do you want to go back to that?

[ dave...freezes. ]

I. [ shit, he doesn't know? ] It felt easy. It was so easy.

It was thirteen, constant formative years versus the unsteady, much shorter span we have on not doing that.

[Backsliding isn't surprising.]

Backsliding is normal.

Sixteen.

[ a quiet correction. ]

Sixteen years. On the meteor I like, thought about the things I did and why I did them. But I never talked about it. It was sixteen years of the same old mask.

[Sixteen. Not a surprise. A gentle affirmation in a nod.]

Versus not even one.

Sometimes this feels easy with you or Rose. [ sometimes. in the good moments, once or twice in a desperately bad moment. on occasion, it comes easier than it has before. ] But usually it's very, very difficult.

[ deliberately going against his past. ]

But I don't think I'd be happy doing things the easy way with you, even if I've tried.

We both know I wouldn't be happy. It's gratifying you aren't either. [Which... is maybe terrible? Shit. Is it terrible. Or is it good.

He doesn't know.]

Ignoring whether or not that was fucked up of me to think, what's the worst case scenario for you telling John? Without visualizing it. [No panic attack.]

[ there's a knot in his throat. dave swallows around it. ]

He looks at me different.

[Okay. That's enough. Dirk remembers a conversation: do you pity me?]

You don't have to decide right now. You can wait.

Sometimes I wonder how you would've looked at me if you didn't know.

[ on a sideways related note ]

With a lot of confusion and hurt, I'd guess.

[Since he'd be confused about how he fucked up every time he did, and he'd never even know why Dave didn't like him, and every time Dave shoved him away he'd be helpless and lost to figure out why this alternate iteration of the person he admires most seems to hate him.]

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