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[Dirk's favourite superhero was his Bro. So often Dave's feelings on his Bro echo Dirk's on his, but the darkly: my Bro was a hero, Dave claims, and Dirk doesn't believe it for a second. What's the point of a superhero? Dave has this.

I figured.

[He has more questions but he's waiting to get the go-ahead before he tosses any out.]

Then why'd you ask, dumbass?

[ there's no real fire to it. ]

It's a waste of a question to ask somethin' you already knew.

I wasn't aware there was a limited number of questions on this. Are there genie rules too?

I don't grant wishes to assholes, so you're fresh out of luck. So's everyone else.

[ except like hotaru but ]

I'll stop you when I'm done.

What part of the board game experiment made you get disconnected?

[If there are still questions on the table, then he guesses he will bring up this one.]

The part where I'm a complete fuck-up. It was a stupid idea, he hated bein' there.

[ he just. shuts his eyes again. ]

Other shit.

[Dirk sees them close.] Is that you being done?

No. Yes? On that question. New question?

[ just, like - ]

The other stuff isn't fair.

Things that aren't fair can still be things that matter. Unfortunately, we cannot actually just guilt away how we feel about things because we disagree with them.

[....

Well. Okay.]

Okay, so you can, but we can't really effectively do it in a way that helps us or other people.

[EVEN IF YOU DISSOCIATE, DAVE! But, despite that.]

We can move on though.

Just...I broke it irreparably by admitting I wasn't chill with how things were.

[ he's terrified he did the same thing here. ]

Next question.

[Ah.

Dirk still has one of Dave's hands, still kept close. The pad of his thumb touches against that palm, light, present.]

Do... [He trails off, stops himself. Swallows back and looks down at Dave's hands. He wants to say it. He doesn't know if he wants to say it. He believes they can come back from anything if they don't let go.

Please don't let go.

Yeah Dave might have to prod him to finish this one.]

[ he'll wait a few minutes before opening his eye and trying to finish the sentence. dirk isn't usually the one who has to be forced to finish a thought.

it's weird being on the other side. ]

...Do I what?

[ he hasn't tugged his hand back at all. so that's still fine. ]

I don't want to break something more or push too hard at you.

[That is not a question. That is an explanation of fear.]

That isn't taking into consideration the ugly selfishness of just wanting things from you. Our best outcomes probably coincide, but I don't know how to think unselfishly. I'm too much myself not to want to be close to you, and it terrifies me that it can blind me to what you actually need, and that the closer I hold you the more damage I can do without even knowing what I'm doing.

[ he's terrible at asking for what he needs, or even recognizing it. sometimes if he knows what it is, dave won't ask for it or accept it. some of the things he needs aren't acceptable - they're too selfish or too much for the kid who has never felt okay asking other people for anything much at all in seriousness. so far, asking for help or admitting to a problem hasn't gone a that well, either. it's easier to just...not.

hell, karkat would still be fine if dave had just never brought up any of the things that were bothering him and accepted it for what it was. ]

Was that what you were goin' to say, or were you goin' to ask a question?

[It wasn't what he was trying to say, and he shakes his head. It's bothering him; he's struggling with how to put it.]

I want to promise thinks that I can't guarantee to keep. I'd like to promise not to leave or forgot, and that I'll always listen and hear you. I'd like to promise that I'm always here and I'll never fail you. I have failed you, though, in new and creative ways every time. I can't blame you for wanting to give up on me, and us. You've put yourself through a lot of pain for me and I'm incredibly grateful.

I haven't...

[ given up, except maybe he has in a way? he's readjusted his expectations so that he won't kill himself over them. but isn't that just normal? he still has some, sort of, which is better than the none dave had operated on for so long. every time he misses the mark he scales back closer to that, admittedly, but he's not all the way there. not yet. ]

Ask the question, Dirk.

[ whatever it is. ]

Does it... Do...

[Fuck. One hand lets go of Dave's, rakes through his hair. He breathes out.]

I can't be perfect, but I can promise to try to be better, to try to not make the same mistake. I can promise to try to be here and listen and help, and stop failing you. I want that. I've been becoming who I want to be trying to get to that all this time; I don't want to stop. I want to work with you, and improve together, and while my failures are many and likely to have successors, the one thing I know I can promise is not to give up on you. You're too important to me not to try, and try better, because fuck Yoda's bullshit, with the situation we're in and where we've been standing, the effort isn't worth nothing. If it were worthless it wouldn't be this hard, or at least I think so.

Is that okay? I don't know if it is. I don't know if it counts for anything. The idea of giving up, though, just doesn't work for me, not with how much you mean, and if we can continue to work on it and just promise to try, our mistakes and our failures don't have to be game over. I don't know if it's worth the pain to you, and I understand if it isn't, but I still can't come to accept that we can't work together. It isn't an impossible promise for me to make, but I get that it's a lot to ask you to allow it.

I know I can promise you that because it hasn't failed me once. I've never given up on us, and I've never stopped wanting to work out the problems that have come up. The whole reason that I want you to tell me when there's a problem is so we can try to work on it. Even if we can't get an ideal solution, there are points for effort. There's a gold star in it that says we still think this is worth trying for. Ten points to Gryffindor. Shit. [He covers his eyes with that hand, presses at the temples. Tries to breathe out.]

Do you think I'm a Slytherin? That isn't my question. You'd be a cool Hufflepuff.

My question is, am I hurting you just by wanting this?

I don't know. I'm not sure what you're sayin' you want, here. [ just them? or the details, where dirk wants to know everything and not let anything slide? or a million other things? ] Usually the blame for hurtin' myself can be laid at my doorstep. I'm not...I don't do things right. I don't want shit that people are supposed to want, probably. I can't let myself do that shit. You don't deserve it.

[ no one deserves to put up with dave strider, really, and dave tries to spare them his bullshit when and where he can. he doesn't always succeed. ]

I don't know about your house placement. You're not that cunnin' and I'd say your workaholic tendencies are less about ambition and more about other shit.

I'm saying... [What is he saying? Try to be clear.] I want to promise not to give up on you. I want you to let me, and I want the mistakes we make to mean that we need to try different or better.

[He wants no game over. He wants a save point. He wants his brother to stay in his life.] If you want things you don't think are right, then we can try to talk about if it's what we actually want here, or if we want to figure out ways how to handle the feeling other ways. Sometimes, I think you're too willing to throw away your desires, but other times I think the desires you experience are unfair and difficult to you, and we need to find other ways to tackle that.

I don't actually care if I deserve that kind of thing. I want you in my life, and if something is a problem, I'd like to find a way to handle it with you. We've managed to muddle our way through things so far by learning from mistakes and hammering out what we want this relationship to look like, and I don't think that process has to stop.

[What Dirk is asking right now is asking for something. Stay with me. Try with me. Don't give up on me. And that isn't fair, but Dirk is selfish. Dave is too important not to try to keep.]

I know this is selfish. I am just not a good enough dude not to be selfish about you. So... I guess I'm askin' you if I'm allowed to be an asshole.

Edited 2017-02-22 04:06 (UTC)

[ oh. okay. he's not sure what to say with some of that and dave flinches at something but it's not clear what part. ]

You can be whoever you want to be. I...even if I give up, I won't leave. So. [ it effectively probably doesn't matter. he'll avoid dirk sometimes and probably never spend another tuesday at home for the rest of his life, but despite saying that asking dirk to move in was probably a bad call dave hasn't suggested reversing the decision. it's a different sort of prison from the one bro had built, because dave has built this one for himself by caring at all. ]

I was the one who made the mistake about, y'know, caring a little too much about a dumb thing that only I really considered a promise. I'm well aware.

[Dirk is quiet, but the note of sadness rings clear.]

Giving up is leaving, bro. [It's the worst kind.] It wasn't a mistake to care when it's something I also care about a lot. It was a misunderstanding, the kind that comes from an empty apartment on one hand and an unsafe one on on the other, and we should've cleared things up better. That's an awkward toss to a dude who did not realize he was about to get thrown a rope. It doesn't have to be game over.

[He can't let it be over. He can't, ever. He can't accept it.]

What part made you flinch?

Edited 2017-02-22 04:24 (UTC)

For you. For me, it just means ceasing to care.

[ he'd given up from the age of - shit, something tiny to thirteen? probably past that? giving up and leaving are two entirely different things.

dave is still used to giving up the things he cares about without a hint of a fight. he'll dig his heels in for his friends' lives, but everything else is nebulous. ]

I don't...want to talk about that. Do you need me to clear things up about that misunderstandin', or do you get my fucked up side now?

Not caring is worse than leaving.

[It takes effort to keep vehemence out of that, to keep the pain of that idea away from his voice. Dave not caring. Dave giving up on him. Dave thinking of him the way he thought of his Bro.

Dirk doesn't entirely succeed in sounding like Dave not caring isn't a nightmare.]

It isn't fucked up. It's a routine, that gives you a specific, set, reliable time where you always take priority, and that's important. It's why we got our wires crossed, right? The thing I'm scared of is being alone, but thing you're scared of is being not as important, the afterthought. So what I did made you feel like nothing.

Edited (verbs) 2017-02-22 04:42 (UTC)

[ dave can't really promise that's not a possibility: not caring. he can't promise it and mean it, so it'd be a lie, and for once he opts to do dirk the courtesy of not lying to his face about something important. he just drops the topic, breathes through the knowledge he's as much of a curse to dirk as dirk is to him, and moves on.

it takes him a while to move on and speak again, because he still doesn't want to admit to any of it. ]

It wasn't fair of me to want that or rely on it. [ because, honestly, he isn't that important and he knew that. tricking himself doesn't help anyone. starting to believe it even a little bit would be the worst thing dave could possibly do to himself, and he accordingly pulled back hard. ] And it wasn't a feasible thing to try to give me.

It is fair, because it's a thing I want to give you. [Something set, something reliable. Some proof that Dave is important.] I made a mistake, maybe we tried to do it in a way that doesn't work out right, but it's fair. Proof of how important you are is fair.

You don't understand how important you are to me.

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