parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

[ it's a lot. it's always too much, and this time dave forgot to kind of brace himself but too much has never been too much to handle. dave is good at letting go and letting things happen to him, and that's how he treats dirk's feelings about them. no matter how many times dirk says yes to the question do i matter to you at all asked and unasked a thousand ways, it never becomes any less impossible to believe.

he never mattered to the original flavor of dirk strider, so why the fuck would this one be any different? dave can't pinpoint the pivot point and it kills him. he is forever waiting to reach it, to have dirk say no or do something that implies it, and in some ways maybe that would be easier than the uneasy equilibrium that exists while dave waits in relative contentment for everything to break. he can be calm but wary, always on the edge of his seat or with his foot out the door, but it's tiring and if it would just stop at least he'd finally know for certain and always his exact worth. it always hurts when he remembers he's still nothing; a final cut would be a relief if it meant nothing else would ever come.

he knew and didn't know some of it. mostly he didn't, and the thoughts about dirk's bro are strange and dirk has tried to explain them before. the weird gratitude for even the terrible things, when it should be anything but, was unexpected. it feels like a lie even though it can't be as dirk feels it, because what else could it be?

dave said yes, sure, show me proof and dirk did and he's not sure it even worked, and what does that say about him? ]

For the record, [ dave wets his lips, tries to think his own thoughts again. ] For the record, I meant most people can't promise other people their time like that. I can, but time doesn't mean to me what it does to other people. So.

[ he can't even begin to address dirk's feelings, so dave just chooses not to, uncertain how he feels about it at all. ]

You don't do loops around that time, so that doesn't really follow.

[Dave can't promise that time better than anyone else if he decides to be like everyone else and make those hours valuable, inviable. It is just as much a promise of a absolute priority. Which makes sense, now; if Dave had told him that before, Dirk would have thought it was just a concession to Dirk's less-than-fondness about constant looping.

Dave doesn't respond to it and Dirk didn't expect him to. Dirk doesn't even expect him to believe it, not really. But he needed to say it.]

I shouldn't have told you that.

[ dirk hadn't really noticed so he could have simply never known. ]

It doesn't mean to me what it does to other people because it always means more. Sometimes it means less, too, 'cause linear doesn't mean a whole fuckin' lot, but it matters more to me than it does to other people. So when I promise I'll be somewhen, I don't do it lightly.

I only wish you'd told me sooner. Although, I don't know if I'd understand.

[Dirk does something maybe he shouldn't. He pulls Dave close; he wraps his arms around him. Dirk closes his eyes.]

I didn't see it in time. I'm sorry. You deserve better.

[He'll pull back immediately after unless Dave returns the hug, but he figures Dave might want some space right now.]

[ he doesn't so much return it since he's like. still got his head on one arm and dirk has his other hand? unless dirk released that, but even so it'd still be kinda trapped but. dave also doesn't pull back?

he just. laughs. ]

Deserve better how? No one is gonna be able to give me that. The whole...that was stupid, no one can keep an open-ended promise to always show up forever uninterrupted. I shouldn't have thought about it like I did.

Could you?

[Important question. He elaborates:] You deserve better in terms of me being better at understanding things that are important to you. That is important to me.

Could I what? Keep that promise?

[ the elaboration did not help dave to understand what, specifically, dirk was questioning. ]

Yes. The way you were doing it, without timeloops.

[Could Dave keep the promise he wanted Dirk to keep.]

Well, yeah, but that's different.

[ obviously. ]

I wouldn't have the same roadblocks.

Why not? I'm not the only Strider with three best friends.

I told Rose and Jade and Vantas not to bug me from six on Tuesdays on.

[ a shrug. he didn't put it exactly like that. karkat he'd just informed he wouldn't take messages on tuesdays due to prior commitments, but rose at least knew the reasoning and he would have told jade, as well.

john...didn't have to be informed. ]

And none of them really have the same claim to my time that your best friends would on like, special occasions or random shit. I'd just rather not [ believe in you haha wow that sounds bad ] rely on somethin' I can't rely on.

[ wait that still sounds bad? ]

Nothin' personal.

[ nailed it.

no it still sounds bad ]

[Wait. What.

Dirk... kinda blanks for a second although not on the part Dave was worried about because yeah that knife has already gone in, he can't stab it twice when the blade's still deep. But.]

You mean you aren't dating any of them.

[He is pretty sure that is what Dave means.]

That's not it. I mean, yes, that's a factor, but I think Mom is kind of a special case, too?

[ since she's...

drunk rose districting on occasion and dirk's her main support there so far as dave's aware. ]

They might need you at any time outside of a schedule. My set is kind of [ waggles fingers ] I'm the most fucked up out of the four of us, they don't actually need me at random in general. Not that I'd ever ask them for help if I needed it whenever, either, so it works out somewhere probably. I mean, Rose would have, but she took me at my word and said she wouldn't and then told me to go the fuck away, possibly because I always choose to have these conversations with her at 3am.

[Okay, that's a somewhat different thing.]

You shouldn't hide things to your sister, you know.

[He knows Dave knows; it's a sort of default chiding. But okay, Dirk is... following the logic more.]

So you mean that my crew is sufficiently fucked up that an Alpha Kid Crisis could happen at any hour of any day. SOS, Trickster Juju On The Horizon.

[That is... not actually a bad point, he will admit. Dirk definitely has a deeply messed up friend group. But.]

That logic only works if you don't need me, and if I don't need you. We've established pretty clearly that you do need me, and you really missed what I was showing you if you think I don't need you. In that case, our prior claim to the hour takes priority. That further holds because the importance of a regular schedule is part of the need, whereas that isn't a specific need my friends have. [Although. Maybe he should schedule things like that with them? Maybe on Saturday when Dave is always busy. (Irony.)] Following the reasoning you've set out, we have an absolute right to each other's time at that hour that can't be beaten by alternative claims. I know you hate the idea of something for you being at another's expense, but it's also for my sake. It isn't like I can't go to Rox or Jake after we're done.

No, I definitely don't have that right. And on some holidays the whole dating thing actually would be more important, but also just. Your friends.

[ they're more important and dave isn't willing to pretend otherwise?

also, he scowls. ]

I didn't hide anythin' from Rose. I told her exactly why she couldn't bug me in that timeframe and she was annoyingly positive about it and assured me she could get by just fine without me from six to Wednesday morning, and then asked if I wasn't sure I didn't want to set aside more time to not bother her, possibly involvin' all the time she attempts to sleep durin' the night, at which point I took a hint.

[ SEE IF HE BOTHERS HER AT THREE AM EVER yeah no he probably bothered her at 3am the night right after that request. rose lalonde can never escape dave's early morning and late night texts. ]

I retract. Misunderstanding there. I thought it was about you being fucked up. [That is, he thought Dave said he wouldn't go to Rose for help, and Rose believed it.]

You do have that right.

[...

Yeah that's it. That's Dirk's argument.]

[ well like he wouldn't go to rose about some things, so, fair. but he was just explaining that rose wasn't an issue on his side since she basically told him to gtfo and add more time to the "bug anyone else but me" time.

rose is a loving sister. ]

No I don't.

[ now look here? ]

There's too many conflicts of interest, and I don't - I can't handle that happening again and again.

[ and losing, he means. ]

Yes, you do. It won't happen because I won't let it.

[Suck it up Dave, Dirk's committed for LIFE now. He is cranky and digging his heels in?

He even had an entire negotiation to work out here if Dave wouldn't accept sacrificing others for his sake but no, it's about the right, so now the possibility of negotiation is gone as Dirk Refuses.]

No, I don't. You can't just ignore the fact other people have way bigger claims on your time because you're bein' stubborn. Like, Christmas and birthdays and just them needing you for some unforeseen reason. You can't say you'll be there full stop.

[ well what if DAVE digs his heels in even further, because there was no way that wasn't gonna happen. ]

It'd absolutely happen again.

You need me, and I need you. It isn't difficult to work out where priority goes here.

[So there.]

You're not allowed to pick me over other people!

[ the "especially because you actually wouldn't" doesn't need to be said at this stage because it's unimportant, but also: ]

They need to be able to get you whenever they need you more than - whatever.

I'm allowed to pick whatever I want. That's the really awesome thing about being a living being with agency. I get to choose, and you get to be motherfuckin' Pikachu.

[Quality conversation with the Striders.]

You wouldn't.

[ dave doesn't raise his voice at all. ]

Eventually you wouldn't, and I don't think I'd be able to handle it. On like. Someone's birthday or Christmas or just a really bad day for someone else. Because I wouldn't want you to pick me and you wouldn't, so it'd even be what I'd want, but it'd still make me feel like nothing, and I hate that, okay?

[For a moment, Dirk is quiet. It isn't the quiet of injury; it's the quiet of letting go of the stubbornness. Shifting modes. And, gently, he takes back Dave's hand with his second.]

Making sure you never feel like nothing is important to me. I'd choose for that. Have done, though you've tried to push me back when I do. But that need, it's important. It's important to me to protect it.

[You protect me in the important ways. Dirk wants to do that. He wants to keep doing that. He wants to protect his brother's heart.]

Have to. I don't want anyone else to feel like that 'cause of me.

[ he'll avoid the pain when he can but if someone has to have it, dave will accept it without flinching.

so yeah, he never accepts dirk trying to choose him, not easily. that always means someone else isn't being chosen, and dave knows in his bones he should never be the one picked in those situations. ]

So it's better all around if I just...don't. Pretend to have that claim.

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