parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

[ he's terrible at asking for what he needs, or even recognizing it. sometimes if he knows what it is, dave won't ask for it or accept it. some of the things he needs aren't acceptable - they're too selfish or too much for the kid who has never felt okay asking other people for anything much at all in seriousness. so far, asking for help or admitting to a problem hasn't gone a that well, either. it's easier to just...not.

hell, karkat would still be fine if dave had just never brought up any of the things that were bothering him and accepted it for what it was. ]

Was that what you were goin' to say, or were you goin' to ask a question?

[It wasn't what he was trying to say, and he shakes his head. It's bothering him; he's struggling with how to put it.]

I want to promise thinks that I can't guarantee to keep. I'd like to promise not to leave or forgot, and that I'll always listen and hear you. I'd like to promise that I'm always here and I'll never fail you. I have failed you, though, in new and creative ways every time. I can't blame you for wanting to give up on me, and us. You've put yourself through a lot of pain for me and I'm incredibly grateful.

I haven't...

[ given up, except maybe he has in a way? he's readjusted his expectations so that he won't kill himself over them. but isn't that just normal? he still has some, sort of, which is better than the none dave had operated on for so long. every time he misses the mark he scales back closer to that, admittedly, but he's not all the way there. not yet. ]

Ask the question, Dirk.

[ whatever it is. ]

Does it... Do...

[Fuck. One hand lets go of Dave's, rakes through his hair. He breathes out.]

I can't be perfect, but I can promise to try to be better, to try to not make the same mistake. I can promise to try to be here and listen and help, and stop failing you. I want that. I've been becoming who I want to be trying to get to that all this time; I don't want to stop. I want to work with you, and improve together, and while my failures are many and likely to have successors, the one thing I know I can promise is not to give up on you. You're too important to me not to try, and try better, because fuck Yoda's bullshit, with the situation we're in and where we've been standing, the effort isn't worth nothing. If it were worthless it wouldn't be this hard, or at least I think so.

Is that okay? I don't know if it is. I don't know if it counts for anything. The idea of giving up, though, just doesn't work for me, not with how much you mean, and if we can continue to work on it and just promise to try, our mistakes and our failures don't have to be game over. I don't know if it's worth the pain to you, and I understand if it isn't, but I still can't come to accept that we can't work together. It isn't an impossible promise for me to make, but I get that it's a lot to ask you to allow it.

I know I can promise you that because it hasn't failed me once. I've never given up on us, and I've never stopped wanting to work out the problems that have come up. The whole reason that I want you to tell me when there's a problem is so we can try to work on it. Even if we can't get an ideal solution, there are points for effort. There's a gold star in it that says we still think this is worth trying for. Ten points to Gryffindor. Shit. [He covers his eyes with that hand, presses at the temples. Tries to breathe out.]

Do you think I'm a Slytherin? That isn't my question. You'd be a cool Hufflepuff.

My question is, am I hurting you just by wanting this?

I don't know. I'm not sure what you're sayin' you want, here. [ just them? or the details, where dirk wants to know everything and not let anything slide? or a million other things? ] Usually the blame for hurtin' myself can be laid at my doorstep. I'm not...I don't do things right. I don't want shit that people are supposed to want, probably. I can't let myself do that shit. You don't deserve it.

[ no one deserves to put up with dave strider, really, and dave tries to spare them his bullshit when and where he can. he doesn't always succeed. ]

I don't know about your house placement. You're not that cunnin' and I'd say your workaholic tendencies are less about ambition and more about other shit.

I'm saying... [What is he saying? Try to be clear.] I want to promise not to give up on you. I want you to let me, and I want the mistakes we make to mean that we need to try different or better.

[He wants no game over. He wants a save point. He wants his brother to stay in his life.] If you want things you don't think are right, then we can try to talk about if it's what we actually want here, or if we want to figure out ways how to handle the feeling other ways. Sometimes, I think you're too willing to throw away your desires, but other times I think the desires you experience are unfair and difficult to you, and we need to find other ways to tackle that.

I don't actually care if I deserve that kind of thing. I want you in my life, and if something is a problem, I'd like to find a way to handle it with you. We've managed to muddle our way through things so far by learning from mistakes and hammering out what we want this relationship to look like, and I don't think that process has to stop.

[What Dirk is asking right now is asking for something. Stay with me. Try with me. Don't give up on me. And that isn't fair, but Dirk is selfish. Dave is too important not to try to keep.]

I know this is selfish. I am just not a good enough dude not to be selfish about you. So... I guess I'm askin' you if I'm allowed to be an asshole.

Edited 2017-02-22 04:06 (UTC)

[ oh. okay. he's not sure what to say with some of that and dave flinches at something but it's not clear what part. ]

You can be whoever you want to be. I...even if I give up, I won't leave. So. [ it effectively probably doesn't matter. he'll avoid dirk sometimes and probably never spend another tuesday at home for the rest of his life, but despite saying that asking dirk to move in was probably a bad call dave hasn't suggested reversing the decision. it's a different sort of prison from the one bro had built, because dave has built this one for himself by caring at all. ]

I was the one who made the mistake about, y'know, caring a little too much about a dumb thing that only I really considered a promise. I'm well aware.

[Dirk is quiet, but the note of sadness rings clear.]

Giving up is leaving, bro. [It's the worst kind.] It wasn't a mistake to care when it's something I also care about a lot. It was a misunderstanding, the kind that comes from an empty apartment on one hand and an unsafe one on on the other, and we should've cleared things up better. That's an awkward toss to a dude who did not realize he was about to get thrown a rope. It doesn't have to be game over.

[He can't let it be over. He can't, ever. He can't accept it.]

What part made you flinch?

Edited 2017-02-22 04:24 (UTC)

For you. For me, it just means ceasing to care.

[ he'd given up from the age of - shit, something tiny to thirteen? probably past that? giving up and leaving are two entirely different things.

dave is still used to giving up the things he cares about without a hint of a fight. he'll dig his heels in for his friends' lives, but everything else is nebulous. ]

I don't...want to talk about that. Do you need me to clear things up about that misunderstandin', or do you get my fucked up side now?

Not caring is worse than leaving.

[It takes effort to keep vehemence out of that, to keep the pain of that idea away from his voice. Dave not caring. Dave giving up on him. Dave thinking of him the way he thought of his Bro.

Dirk doesn't entirely succeed in sounding like Dave not caring isn't a nightmare.]

It isn't fucked up. It's a routine, that gives you a specific, set, reliable time where you always take priority, and that's important. It's why we got our wires crossed, right? The thing I'm scared of is being alone, but thing you're scared of is being not as important, the afterthought. So what I did made you feel like nothing.

Edited (verbs) 2017-02-22 04:42 (UTC)

[ dave can't really promise that's not a possibility: not caring. he can't promise it and mean it, so it'd be a lie, and for once he opts to do dirk the courtesy of not lying to his face about something important. he just drops the topic, breathes through the knowledge he's as much of a curse to dirk as dirk is to him, and moves on.

it takes him a while to move on and speak again, because he still doesn't want to admit to any of it. ]

It wasn't fair of me to want that or rely on it. [ because, honestly, he isn't that important and he knew that. tricking himself doesn't help anyone. starting to believe it even a little bit would be the worst thing dave could possibly do to himself, and he accordingly pulled back hard. ] And it wasn't a feasible thing to try to give me.

It is fair, because it's a thing I want to give you. [Something set, something reliable. Some proof that Dave is important.] I made a mistake, maybe we tried to do it in a way that doesn't work out right, but it's fair. Proof of how important you are is fair.

You don't understand how important you are to me.

[ he doesn't. he's not sure he believes it, ever, because dirk is another iteration of bro and it always seems like a lie he's waiting to find out. ]

I don't know if that's the kind of thing anyone can give anyone. Not without breakin' their word a whole lot.

Do you want to feel it?

[This is a bad idea. Dirk seems to realize it.]

Or. You probably don't want to. The way I feel about you is sort of... a lot to handle. [He gestures vaguely at himself with the hand that's free.] I'm too extreme so probably that was a stupid fucked up offer.

I can, uh.

There are probably other ways. Not fucked up ways to show that.

[ it's a terrible idea? like. fullstop 100% a terrible idea.

so of course dave is going to say: ]

Yes.

[ it's questionable as to whether or not he'll believe it even then but yeah. ]

[Oh.

Dirk's eyes widen a fraction: surprise. There's no fear but a flicker of nerves—he'll mess this up, he messes everything up—Dirk sees the scariest thing in a room and he jumps for it, so jump.

Dirk does.

Your name is Dirk Strider, and you are not alone. You have lived your whole life with holes in your heart, and you have always tried to fill them. You have tried with books and with learning. You've tried to make mirrors to fill up the emptiness, to occupy your mind so the empty spaces don't ache so hard. You have tried to fill them with friendship so fierce it burns you. You love your friends, and they have made the ache less, they have filled in spaces. But the holes in your heart are so big, and the pain is so great, and you have been alone for so long. The ocean goes on and on, and they are not family.

But someone is. You spent your whole life chasing after family in the form of your Bro and you have missed him wanted him tried to pump air through heart chambers for him, broken and remade yourself to try to turn yourself into him and fill the hole up. It has never worked. The hole where he should be has never been filled and never will be, and for so long that killed you, for so long you could not bear the pain.

That has changed, though. It doesn't ache the way it used to; it's empty but it doesn't burn. There is another form for family and it isn't the same thing, it's a different space, and it's full now, so full it soothes over the other aches and quiets them. You do not feel so desperate so painful so lonely. You do not have your Bro but you have your brother, and he is not the same—your Bro is your Bro but your brother is himself and the only him, it's only ever one person that means your brother like that, and you love him so much you know you can live without your Bro's hole filled in but you cannot survive emptying out the hole that Dave fills. It's like living your whole life with a broken hand and knowing it but never knowing that you didn't breathe right. You can breathe now that you have your brother, and you cannot go back to gasping for air. You will gladly accept that broken hand as long as you can keep breathing the way Dave lets you breathe.

Because now you are not alone. When you were young you used to look at the apartment and want to go home, but you knew home wasn't the right word, you knew you were more home than you used to be in a place your Bro saved just to keep you alive, you knew everything you wanted was too much, your apartment was empty and always would be and that was all you ever deserved.

Now your apartment is not empty. Now you have a brother who jokes like you, who thinks like you, who understands the pieces of you that don't work and values you anyway. Now when you come home you come home to someone who is more than yourself and makes you better than yourself, because he does make you better, he makes you like yourself more, he makes you want to be a person you like. You come home to your brother and you are not alone when you laugh or when you're frightened, you are not alone when you hate yourself, you are not alone when you make no sense. Your brother smiles at you and when it's the real one a peace washes over you; your brother gets hurt and the world falls into chaos. You love him you need him you feel safe beside him, and even the fear you taste is better fear because isn't this worth being afraid for? Sometimes you think about standing on the rooftop and wanting to die, and then you think about the way you feel when you're scared Dave will leave you, and you are grateful that you can want death for something worth so much instead of thinking about it for nothing. So often you hate yourself for being miserable, but now you hate yourself a little less. It's selfish, yeah, but it's your brother. Your fears are no longer worthless things when they are fears about him.

When your day has him in it, it's complete, and when he isn't there the emptiness starts to come back again, the apartment reminds itself of its past, and only the promise that he will come back stops you from being in the place you used to be. Every hour with him is important, even the hours that hurt, maybe especially those ones. Time and again you throw your soul on the line to try to keep him, and every time you know you are not putting down high enough stakes. You will play all of it, every part of you, you will risk everything again and again because if you lose him then what's the point in keeping anything you have? Whenever you feel his soul the rhythm of yours falls into a steady time and it is where it wants to be. He is where you want to be, he protects you from an empty apartment. Only your brother can protect you like this. You will not give him up for anything, not even to fill up the hole in your heart where your Bro is missing, because you can live without your Bro but now you cannot live without your brother. Your brother makes all the empty places left feel full.

You are Dirk Strider, and when you come back to your brother, you come home.]

[ it's a lot. it's always too much, and this time dave forgot to kind of brace himself but too much has never been too much to handle. dave is good at letting go and letting things happen to him, and that's how he treats dirk's feelings about them. no matter how many times dirk says yes to the question do i matter to you at all asked and unasked a thousand ways, it never becomes any less impossible to believe.

he never mattered to the original flavor of dirk strider, so why the fuck would this one be any different? dave can't pinpoint the pivot point and it kills him. he is forever waiting to reach it, to have dirk say no or do something that implies it, and in some ways maybe that would be easier than the uneasy equilibrium that exists while dave waits in relative contentment for everything to break. he can be calm but wary, always on the edge of his seat or with his foot out the door, but it's tiring and if it would just stop at least he'd finally know for certain and always his exact worth. it always hurts when he remembers he's still nothing; a final cut would be a relief if it meant nothing else would ever come.

he knew and didn't know some of it. mostly he didn't, and the thoughts about dirk's bro are strange and dirk has tried to explain them before. the weird gratitude for even the terrible things, when it should be anything but, was unexpected. it feels like a lie even though it can't be as dirk feels it, because what else could it be?

dave said yes, sure, show me proof and dirk did and he's not sure it even worked, and what does that say about him? ]

For the record, [ dave wets his lips, tries to think his own thoughts again. ] For the record, I meant most people can't promise other people their time like that. I can, but time doesn't mean to me what it does to other people. So.

[ he can't even begin to address dirk's feelings, so dave just chooses not to, uncertain how he feels about it at all. ]

You don't do loops around that time, so that doesn't really follow.

[Dave can't promise that time better than anyone else if he decides to be like everyone else and make those hours valuable, inviable. It is just as much a promise of a absolute priority. Which makes sense, now; if Dave had told him that before, Dirk would have thought it was just a concession to Dirk's less-than-fondness about constant looping.

Dave doesn't respond to it and Dirk didn't expect him to. Dirk doesn't even expect him to believe it, not really. But he needed to say it.]

I shouldn't have told you that.

[ dirk hadn't really noticed so he could have simply never known. ]

It doesn't mean to me what it does to other people because it always means more. Sometimes it means less, too, 'cause linear doesn't mean a whole fuckin' lot, but it matters more to me than it does to other people. So when I promise I'll be somewhen, I don't do it lightly.

I only wish you'd told me sooner. Although, I don't know if I'd understand.

[Dirk does something maybe he shouldn't. He pulls Dave close; he wraps his arms around him. Dirk closes his eyes.]

I didn't see it in time. I'm sorry. You deserve better.

[He'll pull back immediately after unless Dave returns the hug, but he figures Dave might want some space right now.]

[ he doesn't so much return it since he's like. still got his head on one arm and dirk has his other hand? unless dirk released that, but even so it'd still be kinda trapped but. dave also doesn't pull back?

he just. laughs. ]

Deserve better how? No one is gonna be able to give me that. The whole...that was stupid, no one can keep an open-ended promise to always show up forever uninterrupted. I shouldn't have thought about it like I did.

Could you?

[Important question. He elaborates:] You deserve better in terms of me being better at understanding things that are important to you. That is important to me.

Could I what? Keep that promise?

[ the elaboration did not help dave to understand what, specifically, dirk was questioning. ]

Yes. The way you were doing it, without timeloops.

[Could Dave keep the promise he wanted Dirk to keep.]

Well, yeah, but that's different.

[ obviously. ]

I wouldn't have the same roadblocks.

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