parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

[ they're still crimson and all that. no sharingan or anything tho so it's cool.

also, shit. ]

The laundry list? [ that's so open-ended. he breathes out again, quiet. ] Me. You. Bro. Vantas. John. Whether or not any of it even matters, when it's not permanent.

[Right. It's all what he thought, more or less. But Dave said it. Dirk is always grateful for Dave saying it.]

Do things have to be permanent to matter? Not being rhetorical here, or a sarcastic dick. Askin' for your perspective.

It's not exactly thrillin' to think we could all fuck off and remember none of this. Maybe it'd be for the best, but even so.

[ so. that's what he meant by "permanent". dave had always pretty much believed shit would end someday, but he thought he'd for sure remember it and the realization that isn't a fact he can count on has not been super fun. ]

Memory shit, or alternate timelines?

[Different kind of question: Dirk's asking for Dave's judgement call on what's happening here. Different universe John, or stuff happening to his head?]

He's not from a different timeline.

[ he's pretty sure that's not the case. he can look more closely, but - ]

It's John.

[Confirmation enough. Dirk says nothing for a little bit. But he's holding Dave's hand tighter.]

I don't want to forget.

[Mixing music. The rainbow sponges. Wiz's raps. The arguments, each other's apartments. Saying I love you. Half year anniversary, three quarters anniversary. Birthday parties, bunk beds, Cal's funeral. Becoming brothers more and more.]

Not that I expect the universe to give one quanta of a damn about it. Still.

[He doesn't want to.]

I spent most of the day just not thinkin' about it after I got to him in person to confirm it.

[ john felt as "right" to him as any of the others did. though "not thinkin' about it" meant thinking about nothing else and having what amounted to a panic attack, but hey. ]

You could go away and come back and remember none of it. Or I could. Or anyone else. Or they could go away and stay gone and maybe someday when we got out they wouldn't remember a damn thing.

Yeah. That...

[Fuck. How would he handle it? With Dave. With Jake. With Roxy, Rose, Karkat. Even with Rin, or Sorey and Mikleo. Hotaru.]

For a new depth in understatement, I would handle that not well. [He thinks, but does not say, 'suboptimally.' But it's there. In his head. He was tempted to say it just to get Dave to give him an unimpressed look.]

Fuck.

After I ditched John.

[ last week. valentine's day. ]

I didn't handle it super well, either. I couldn't breathe for a bit. [ it's the nearest he'll get to saying panicked, heart and mind racing too fast and making no sense because of it. ] But there's nothin' to be done about it.

[You wouldn't let me come find you. He doesn't say it, it isn't even an accusation. It's a sorrow. A regret.]

There isn't. For the moment, we have as much leverage against that as we did against the game.

[Some leeway. Not much. But some.]

I won't be able to do this again if you or Rose forget.

[ just like. throwing that out there. ]

I can't tell you both about him a second time. Jade either.

It'd be too much to ask of you. [To do it again. To go through all of that again.] Even if you tried to do the exact same thing, it couldn't work like that. The repetition would carry the weight of the last iteration.

[Pierre Menard, Author of Don Quixote. Repetition is never the same as the first.

He can't lose Dave. He can't stand it.]

It's okay not to do it with me again. If it happens, I'm giving you the okay. [A future Dirk who forgot everything would not remember the okay. He would probably resent it. But, in Dirk's opinion, fuck that guy.]

Seriously?

[ that was. not a thing he expected dirk to ever say apparently because dirk's just getting a completely blank stare and dave can't figure out any more words. no, he can figure out a few - ]

You'd fuckin' hate that.

I would totally hate it. [He'd be so not happy about it.] It shouldn't surprise you that I'm totally willin' to throw possible future me under the bus. [Fuck that guy! Fuck every iteration of that guy.

His voice softens, though.]

Any iteration of me, though, would have to understand that it isn't fair to ask you to go through this again. You can't repeat the sorts of conversations we've had, and I'd get that.

The thing is, it makes them harder to have at all.

[ john, who for a million other reasons is impossible to tell, even though dave probably should. ]

I know. I don't particularly have a good argument for them, either.

[They're all weak ones, built on things Dirk isn't sure he even believes.]

I think it's important for you to be able to tell people things. Shutting things down doesn't help you. But I think it's also important for you to trust that you won't have to reiterate things already difficult for you to say. That includes forgetting, but it also includes people ignoring what you say. It's the same basic idea. So my arguments on why it's good to say things anyway are... not great.

I probably cause the part where people ignore what I say, anyway. By just...

[ saying it's his problem and he'll handle it and he's fine. and sometimes, everyone believes him. ]

...it's only ever my own fault when no one listens. [ the few times he's stuck to his guns and been ignored aside. ]

You definitely make shit obscure sometimes. [There is a slight undertone of fondness there? Dirk loves Dave too much, it's a problem.] Fault, though, I'm not so sure of. You've taken risks to be clear before, and it's still gone wrong. It's already agonizing enough for you to come out with it in the first place; it ain't a huge shocker you have a hard time putting yourself out there again when you do it and it still gets ignored.

It feels like my fault. If I tell people a million times after I admit they're hurtin' me that it's my issue and they shouldn't bother to care and they take me at my word, isn't it?

[ and it's definitely what he thinks he'd prefer to do. just be the one to take the hit. sure, it's incredibly sucky, but better him than whoever else? it takes so much to admit he's not okay and to stick to that. ]

I'm not sayin' it's their fault if they get thrown for a loop by your obscurity. [Even Dirk gets confused sometimes. ...And blames himself for it so in that case he would say it's his fault, but.] It's more like... if you've got two people on either side of a chasm, and someone throws the rope but the other dude misses it, then the other person slipped up, but catchin' a rope across that distance is hard. They made a mistake, but it was at something difficult. And if the rope-tosser in this metaphor gets weird flashbacks to the time tossing a rope involved him in a tragic accident where his wife was murdered by clowns, can you really blame the rope-tosser if it's hard for them to make a second throw when the first was already a mental tour through a carnival of painful backstory? I don't think it's fair to expect Batman to just be able to do that kind of thing over and over again like it's nothing. It's hard on both sides, for different reasons, and failing to acknowledge that for either person is doing a disservice to them, ropes, and also probably Bruce and Martha. It might be a disservice to the Joker but I do not give a shit about that dude. Definitely the top Batman villain I'd like to see done for, although nothin' but respect to Mark Hamill for what he did for the role.

[What is the metaphor at this point. Dirk is not sure. He's losing it.]

Okay, that maybe got a little muddled. I just mean that you have your reasons for having difficulty with this. I don't think that means you should just give up on it, but I do believe that it's unfair to expect you to do it like it's nothing, over and over, when it isn't nothing. It's a difficult task, and you deserve credit for the efforts you've made on that front. I'm proud of how far you've come. There's more to sort out but you couldn't have even started that without working on this first. Likewise, me and Vantas and whoever else need to work on getting better at catching figurative rope when it's metaphorically tossed our way.

The metaphor is trying to build a rope bridge. I do not actually know how those are made.

[kinda. obviously.]

[ the corner of his mouth curls up, just a hair. it's the first break to tired neutrality since he climbed up to dirk's bunk. it's not much of a break for anyone else, but. ]

You made me batman in the metaphor. [ usually dirk would make himself batman? that's hilarious? ]

[How dare. You question his metaphor??]

The metaphor asked for you to take on the role of Batman. [It just went that way ok.]

[ like dirk doesn't question dave's metaphors. there's a huff of breath that isn't exactly a laugh, before dave says: ]

Ask me another question, then, Alfred.

Thank you for making me the most badass member of the Batfamily. [Alfred is cool? He has no shame over being Alfred.

Okay. Another question. Hm.]

Did you ever like any superheroes?

No. I said I did, but I pretty much hated all superheroes.

[ what was the point of them? ]

Edited 2017-02-22 02:06 (UTC)

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