parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

For John. Homura got pulled through a stargate. I mean, more or less a stargate.

[ he didn't interfere with either because he hadn't interfered with either, so it was pointless to try. ]

[Dirk understands the implicit in that. No interference. He couldn't if he wanted to and if he did he could well doom the timeline.]

Was it Precursor tech?

Yeah. I'll take you there later.

[ he doesn't mean to see her disappear, though dave supposes that's possible - except, no, he hadn't seen himself. but he was kind of out of it so that didn't mean a whole fucking lot. ]

It turned on randomly. She got sucked in.

Okay. We need to be really careful with our hunt for Precursor things, then.

[Dirk isn't getting pulled out of here yet.]

Might not help if you get randomly warpered, but it wouldn't hurt, yeah.

[ there is absolutely no guarantee either of them won't up and disappear through a portal.

and if they come back, they may remember fuck all. ]

John seems ok, at least. Still can't stay in one fuckin' spot when told to, but I guess that's part of his charm.

So we learn how to forcibly shut their portals and we make fields around ourselves to ensure it.

[There is a way. Not because it makes sense, but because Dirk needs it. Because Dirk refuses to leave Dave.]

He mentioned the door. That makes him current with us.

Whatever you want, dude.

[ completely deadpan neutral. dave has spent the day resigning himself to that particular eventuality, inbetween his...everything else. people leave, that's life, and yet again he's realized he's relying too heavily on the people who could leave. it's a balancing act dave has never gotten right. ]

John's current for a given value of "current", yeah.

[ he forgot like everything dave brought him up to speed on the first time around, but...whatever. at least that was probably just awkward as fuck instead of anything else. ]

Dave.

[Dirk's voice is quiet because he knows what Dave is thinking.]

What? He fuckin' forgot everything we went through the first time, I didn't have time to entirely catch him up. Or I didn't feel like doin' it all in one go.

[ deliberately picking the topic that dirk probably wasn't referring to. ]

[Dirk puts his hand on his desk. Face up.]

If I make a promise you'll just get bitter about it. Like, fuck me for making promises to you that I can't keep.

I wouldn't be upset with you. I'm generally not.

[ just himself. all of the other day, all of today, he'd only been upset with himself. it hasn't dissipated and it probably won't, and he can't fix it because dirk would hate every solution dave's come up with. ]

You don't have to worry about it. The universe doesn't take kindly to promises like that. Ain't really a big deal.

[ his hands stay in his lap, fingers laced loosely together. ]

Why do you think I won't worry about something that hurts you and puts distance between us?

[Those are like. The top two things Dirk worries about, honestly.]

Dirk. I'm used to broken promises, or promises never made, or a million other things you seriously don't have to worry about. It's whatever.

[ he can deal. ]

Focus on things less nebulously idiotic? You'll thank me for it someday.

It isn't whatever.

[Dirk looks down at his own hand, left there on the desk.]

It's a defence against pain, which makes sense. You're protecting yourself by shutting out those things which could lead to you being hurt.

[He doesn't finish the end of the thought. But it hurts me. Dave says he wants him to say how he feels but Dirk is sure that's manipulative. He's asking Dave to stop protecting himself for his own sake. He's asking Dave to risk getting hurt because it's a guarantee of misery if he doesn't. He can't do that. He can't do it to Dave or anyone. He can't be that person.]

I'm not doin' it to the extent I'd like, so rest easy?

[ he'd love to, because he hates the way he feels right now, but it's not a possibility.

though, fuck. it probably shouldn't be a possibility here, either. dave shuts his eyes. ]

You can make whatever promise you wanna make.

[ don't be an asshole. right. he just has to...not be an asshole. ]

It's just the same promise I always make.

[Dirk looks across the bedroom. It's their bunk beds. He loves those bunk beds. He'd talked about it with Dave and then Dave made him stop because Dave didn't like talking about things that could never happen.

He breathes.]

It's okay that this fucks you up, and it's okay that you want to pull away from me. I get why you don't want to rely on something you'll lose. I'm scared too.

Don't worry. I'm not really lettin' myself. I can deal.

[ he can shut up and take it, he can, and the past few days is just further proof dave needs to ease back into that. john being around makes that almost laughably easy. talking to john is like turning back the clock - it's easy banter and never letting anything get through that might hurt his friend. why did he ever start to ease off that instinct? ]

Anyway. That's all I had to say for now. [ about the warpers. john or anything else isn't really relevant. ] Can this count as the pre-trip talk? We'll leave sometime tomorrow, probably.

Yeah, okay.

[It isn't what he wants. He doesn't stop looking at the bunkbeds.]

Do you want some space from me?

How do you mean?

[ dave opens his eyes, slants his gaze sideways. ]

I mean it any way you might need it.

[Physical, temporal, emotional. Does Dave need to push Dirk away?

Dirk is very quiet and very calm. He can deal with this situation. He isn't like Dave, he doesn't shut himself out of feeling things. But he can push them out of other people's way, and do it all without imposing on someone else.

He knows he should. Maybe Roxy or Jake? He wants to ask Dave to help him. But that wouldn't be fair. So, he can't.]

Don't ask me to hurt you. More, I mean.

[ it is, he thinks, essentially what that question means. the ways in which dave wants space aren't entirely temporary. he can't ask for them. he probably shouldn't even do the kharaa visit, but he'd promised them he'd go by more often so it's at least halfway forgivable as an obligation elsewhere.

isn't it? or is that just the way he wants to see things?

he drops off the desk to head over to the lower bunk, nearly stumbling once but catching himself without much of a problem. ]

Worry about what you need instead.

[Dirk almost moves to catch him but Dave catches himself so Dirk stays still.]

I need you, bro. That isn't something I can just demand. But if you need to shut me out, then it's something that I'll try to endure. I think it will hurt you more not to let yourself be close to me for as long as possible, but it isn't a choice I can make on your behalf. As it is, I'd rather know where I actually stand so I know how the tide will come in. Basic ocean survival. If we're talking about triggers then we both know that we're talking about one of mine but at least if you tell me you're leaving me alone I can get accustomed to this situation. My instinct is to fight it anyway but that always is my first instinct. Fight, lose, turn into pixellated stardust. We said you could hit abscond whenever you needed to abscond as long as you tell me you're doing it and that you'll come back, and maybe you won't return, but maybe abscondin' is what you need to be here. The thing is, I said I think it would hurt you to not be near me, but I also think it will hurt you if you don't take full distance when you need it. Half-way spaces suck. If I'm confessing my feelings, as you asked me to, then my feeling is that I'd rather have to hold my breath until my lungs are screaming than stay half-drowned all this time and never know if I'll die or live. At this point it's dubious whether I'm submerged or choking on froth.

[A rambling monotone. He could make his brother proud with that kind of stream-of-consciousness bullshit. His hand is still on the desk palm-up.]

Anyway, that's Wonderwall.

[ dave doesn't so much carefully lay down as he flops on the bed, facedown, before rolling over after a minute or so. he's allowed to his abscond and he more or less has been playing at that all day, just not dealing with people full stop, but he can't lose himself in the timeline without hurting everyone. or dirk and rose. ]

We can keep doin' things like we have been. I realize I was raised by a complete and utter asshole, but I feel like maybe I should try not to be one.

[ he can't let himself ask. ]

Even on the off chance I'm not fine, I will be. [ or he'll get used to it and acclimate and he'll be fine in that way. ] And it isn't about you, so...don't drown yourself.

Who it's about isn't really the thing here. It's what we become when keeping yourself open to me is metaphorically equivalent to ripping at a wound so it won't heal.

[Dirk gets to his feet.]

It's okay, Dave. I can sleep somewhere else right now. Being here when you want me gone is worse than distance, so you don't have to worry about hurting me.

No, you can come here if you - if you want.

[ it's not really an issue. he doesn't want to broach any of the issues. but. ]

Is it hurting you worse not to know?

[ it hurts dave either way and he's a little too tired to care. it isn't as though he hasn't spent the entire day repeatedly stabbing himself in the gut, metaphorically or otherwise. ]

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