parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

[ sure was a comic written by an abused kid SURE WAS ]

You can't change who you are just so you don't hurt me. Especially when the reason I'm bein' hurt is just because I'm fucked up.

[ so. ]

I don't want to feel this way.

[The reason, Dirk wants to say, is because someone else fucked Dave up. He doesn't know how to say it right.]

That sounds like how you talk about flashstepping and puppets.

What do you mean?

[ dirk lost him. it's late and he's been up for over a day straight. be more specific, dirk? ]

I mean it sounds like a thing where you don't want me to change things, because you don't like that something fucks you up. You want to make it something that doesn't mess you up like this. On that, your first instinct is to grit your teeth and endure, but you're aware at this point that I hate that, so you don't know what to do.

Normal people wouldn't have gotten upset.

[ so: bullseye. ]

Normal people also don't get upset about puppets.

[Well.

Okay, wait.]

I retract that, but not the point behind it.

I don't want you involved when I get upset about shit I shouldn't get upset about.

[ that sounds bad. ]

It puts shit on you that shouldn't be on you.

I get the instinct. But it isn't possible for me to not be involved in things that involve me.

[Like puppets, and like flashstepping.]

It would've been if I hadn't told you.

[ is that a threat or a promise? ]

It still would have involved me. I just wouldn't know.

[He doesn't want to repeat the ethical metaphor he used last time: it's like spying on someone without them knowing. It's still harm.]

If it's like puppets and flashstepping, then it's something we can try to work on. It isn't concrete, but neither is my thing about loneliness. We've worked on intangible things before.

It's not the same thing.

[ puppets and flashstepping are a hair different from this. ]

That's just acclimation to a thing that doesn't hurt, but might. Or ignoring the things they make me think of.

It's called a simile, or an analogy. The same in the relevant respect.

[Dirk is such a paint o deal with and he knows it.]

They're not the same, though. It's a different thing. The whole - what I got upset about here thing, it's not a thing you can acclimate me to if you're not ok with me just learning to deal with the pain.

[ he's not sure how to explain it, and hes not sure he wants to. ]

I agreed they aren't the same. [His voice is quieter.] It's okay to say exactly what you got upset about.

I don't want to. In this case, you have way more of a right to be upset than I ever did. I'm the one who missed a beat.

[ also: ]

They're not the same in the relevant respect.

The relevant respect is that it's okay you're fucked up about it, and that you want to have a response that's better for us both.

[That's what matters to Dirk. He's quiet but he's also frowning, and he hasn't let go of Dave's hand.]

And for my side of it, that I need to learn how to support you instead of trying to shield you from the problem altogether.

No, it's not. And I want - all I want is to not be put in the situation where I'm going to feel like that again and again. I can take it if I have to. If you want me to, I can. But I don't want to repeatedly stab myself. Not really. Not when it means stabbing you by proxy every time, too.

[ it's not an issue if the issue isn't even on the table. ]

Alright. We'll stop.

[It isn't the right choice, it's something important and they both need it. They could work on it. They could find systems, find ways so Dave didn't weigh himself so much on one thing, spread things out, give alternatives and routes so that they will always have security that some time is set aside for just them, specially, regularly. They could work on it and they could get better.

But Dave isn't ready to work on it. He wants to take it off the table. And Dirk isn't Dave's guardian, and even if he were he wouldn't have any right to make him do this just because he knows best. It isn't like he's never been wrong about knowing best before]

[ it's probably the wrong choice but dave relaxes. he's constantly telling dirk he doesn't want to rely on him like he does, and it's safer not to, and this feels like the safest choice. there is absolutely no feasible way that he'll feel like a nothing-afterthought if there's no situation in which there has to be some kind of choice about how dirk spends his time. there's no way to break promises you don't make.

as long as he simply never commits to any solid timeframe about plans with dirk ever again, it's fine. as long as he doesn't ask for anything, he won't get a "no" in response. ]

Thank you. [ he doesn't ask if they're ok like he sometimes does, because dave knows the answer. ] Anything else?

[Dirk shakes his head. He should talk to Dave about John. He doesn't think he can.]

Ok. I'm goin' with Rose sometime tomorrow. We'll be back right after, as usual.

[ he closes his eyes again, mostly because he doesn't think he should be allowed to look at anyone right now. "i'm sorry" is heavy on his tongue but he doesn't let it out. ]

Yeah.

[Ah. Dirk isn't breathing. He should work on that. He should do... something.

He pulls Dave into his arms, and he hugs him. There's something desperate in it this time. He is so, so lost, and he doesn't know how to fix anything.]

[ dave's doing the thing he does where he pulls back hard at the first sign of a burn, a tactical retreat without any sense of strategy. he's not so far gone he doesn't immediately curl into dirk and hug back, although he has hit the point before where he doesn't want that comfort. at least it only got that bad once.

he presses his face to dirk's shoulder and counts the seconds as they slip by. ]

I do love you. [ i'm sorry with a shade of goodbye. ]

I know. [He does know. He doesn't doubt it anymore.] But you're making the wrong choice.

I don't want -

[ dirk told him earlier he could say whatever had upset him but dave still doesn't know how. ]

It's not the wrong choice. I don't want to associate you with feeling like nothing at all. [ so he can't let the possibility exist, full stop. ]

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