parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

I know.

[He understands why. He knows that the odds are stacked against him. He knows that another version of him poisoned the well before he could even say hello.

GT: Doesn't that mean they also knew they weren't going to be able to stop the witch?
TT: Probably.
TT: But they went down fighting anyway.
GT: Wow.
GT: Thats brave and kind of sad.
TT: Yeah. But wouldn't you?

He should have known the biggest enemy he'd ever have to face off again would always be another iteration of himself.]

I'd like to help you believe me more.

I don't know how you can.

[ he genuinely doesn't. because, like - ]

You can do everythin' right and I still shatter.

[ and it's so stupid and he can't even get away with a laugh and a joke because dirk's always watching out for them. ]

I'm reasonably confident the times when you shatter have not been incidents when I did everything right.

[Like he is. Just saying? He is pretty sure there were missteps in those incidents.]

You behave like an ordinary human bein', I flip out, it's clearly not your fault.

[ do you wanna go, bro ]

I didn't say it was my fault. I think it, generally, but some asshole once told me that was a variation on narcissism. I also knew that but it's easier to pull back from it now that he's said it.

[u. ur the asshole, dave. it's u.]

What I said is that I didn't do everything right. There were things I didn't know about, or things I did but which I didn't fully understand the significance right. That isn't my fault, but it still isn't doing everything right.

We can draw on the recent example. I assumed the important thing was the time spent together. I underestimated the importance of it being a specific, set span of time, for that specific purpose, regularly. I could have maybe inferred it, but it isn't really my fault that I didn't when you didn't say.

Regardless of where the blame lies, if it's anywhere, it's still a misstep.

The recent example still had you doing everythin' right.

[ stubbornly. the mistake here was dave, and anything he'd wanted or gotten himself fucked up about. ]

The reasons it didn't work weren't on anything you did or didn't do. [ just on dave's feelings and inability to cope, so, you know, whatever? ] I'm to blame, and I don't want to - keep doing that, so just - you said we could stop.

We can. [He said they can and he will stand by that.] That doesn't make it any less of a wrong choice. I don't mean giving up movie nights. That's a specific thing, and I'm willing to consider that it might need to stop. You're still choosing to cut and run instead of salvage and build, and you know that's the wrong decision for you and me.

[It hurts. It hollows them out. It takes away things that are worth keeping. Dave says he's worried they're too close but Dirk knows the problem is they're too fragile. Dirk's stubborn, though, persistent as long as there's something to live for. Dave is something. Dirk won't stop until they can do this without hitting a break.]

I don't know how to build off of this.

[ he doesn't want to. dave doesn't want to admit to wanting anything at all. every time he does it goes sideways. he still hasn't specifically said exactly what tuesdays had meant to him. he'd more or less confirmed he didn't loop around or during them at one point because they "mattered". six pm on wasn't time he was willing to duplicate or shove aside. ]

[Dirk is very quiet. He is thinking. He is trying not to make attacks, to twist and search for opening. He is trying to be honest.]

Do you want to try to find out?

I don't know.

[ he can't commit to something vague. he thinks it would probably be better in the long run if dirk eased off needing dave at all, considering how often he manages to hurt his brother. ]

I wouldn't know where to start. [ or whether or not he'd want to take the steps. ]

I don't know either. My question is if you're willing to try and talk about things we could do.

[Dirk suspects Dave isn't. Even the hint of an idea has been brushed away and shut out. There is a barrier between Dave and letting this happen, and Dave hasn't told Dirk all of it.]

[ like, he almost definitely doesn't want to do anything dirk could come up with, probably. and dave really doesn't want to explain himself further.

still. if it's what dirk wants. ]

Okay.

[Dirk doesn't know if he entirely believes what Dave is saying. It's that feeling he gets sometimes. The feeling of being placated. The feeling he's being given something so he'll stop. He has ideas but what's the point of them if Dave doesn't want to try? And he's pretty sure he knows ways to force Dave's hands, simple things he could say, things that aren't even lies, they're just the right things, they're just the best buttons to press to get what he wants. All he has to do is use Dave's weakness, the easiest trigger to pull when the bullet is real. You love me, and you don't want to hurt me.

You're hurting me. I need you to trust me. I love you. It's worst if you leave.

It should work this time, and all he has to do it, but he can't. He won't. It would work and the only reason it might not is if Dave thinks he's protecting Dirk.

If he thinks that. He said he thinks it. He said he can't stab Dirk too.

Dave does think he's protecting Dirk.]

Is it two-sided? You don't want to feel like nothing because of me, but you also don't want to hurt me by reacting negatively. You said you thought we were too close and that you shouldn't have let me move in. Which, aside from being patronizing, is also an implication that you think our closeness is bad for me. You keep implying that you're like your Bro.

[They're all the pieces that Dirk lost track of, the ones he saw and recognized and knew he had to do something with but let go of to try to prioritize what mattered to him most: Dave. They're obvious but he let them slip past him.]

Do you think I should hate you?

[ they're the parts and pieces shoved in sideways or not fully explained or addressed that most people would let go, if dave just danced around the topic long enough or refused to say things outright. he's more straightforward with dirk than he is with most other people - he relies on song references and inside jokes to be honest with rose, a lot of times - and he couldn't say why. sometimes it's nice and sometimes it's habit and sometimes he thinks he just doesn't want dirk to get practiced at picking apart dave's best facades.

the answer is: yes, of course. dave hates himself, dirk definitely should too, because a million reasons. he's sure rose would back him up on the part where he was in the wrong the other day. she doesn't play games of being nice when dave asks her to tell him the truth.

but is it a knife to the back to say "yes" or not? he's as good as said it, but dave hasn't said it yet, not this time. not so far. ]

I didn't say that. [ did, except in every way but the one that mattered. ] I never want to hurt you.

[ no, be honest. ]

I usually don't. Sometimes I say shit meant to hurt you, or Rose, or whoever else.

[ when they're fighting, sometimes he does. he hates doing it, but sometimes it happens. ]

Why?

[I don't need you. It still stings.]

To distract you.

[ shove them off balance, don't let them see the shit that might matter. ]

Hm. That's a solid strategy. Shitty thing to do, but a good strategy.

[It worked well enough. Dave said the words that hurt most and Dirk flinched away. It probably worked every other time but Dirk isn't interested in going over the list of hurts.]

Do you think I'd be better off if I hated you?

Can't use it now.

[ not if dirk knows about it. this time he decides not to dodge the question he doesn't want to answer. ]

Yes.

[One down. He does not know if he is cutting away something important or opening up what needs to be open to heal. He hopes, he really hopes, that he's drawing a sickness out.]

Because you're like you're Bro?

Yes.

[ among other things, but clearly giving out answers is hard enough without adding details to the mix. ]

[It comes together. Of course Dirk doesn't think he should have Dave. Of course Dirk thinks he is nothing like his Bro. But it does make sense.

He doesn't let go of Dave. He doesn't draw back.]

There's a certain level of irony in me finally getting past that feeling only for you to take it on in full force. Indescribably subpar irony.

You aren't a bad person, Dave.

[ arguing the point is probably not helpful. instead: ]

You don't worry about being like him any longer?

[ that's good, at least. ]

Not as much or as often. I remember what we talked about and what you showed me to help.

[But he knows what point Dave isn't arguing, and that's what gets to him most. It isn't fair. All that damage, some other version of him didn't know or care.]

You were a little baby on a meteor put in the hands of someone who had no place raising a child. You were a kid.

I haven't been a kid in a really long time.

[ maybe not even then? he's not sure. ]

Who I am now is on me.

I don't disagree. Who you are now, who you've chosen to be, is a person doing his best to be good, in spite of all the things his Bro did to him. Someone who would do whatever he could to protect others, who cares about weird aliens of every variety and goes out of his way to protect them just because. Someone who prevented me from killing Warpers because he didn't think it was right, someone I respect and am proud to call my brother.

Jesus, Dave. Fuckin' up doesn't make you evil. You're just human like me.

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