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On the grounds that they produce tears with different chemical compounds than emotion-related crying, I'm going with a no.

[Sorry onions.]

Do you think we're too fucked up to ever cry again?

[ what were they even originally talking about, dave probably doesn't know. (he does, but this is clearly more important) ]

I don't know. [He draws his fingers up to his own eyes.] We have eternity. If we really want, we can probably learn again.

How do you learn to cry, exactly? I dunno about you, but I just rewired the impulse.

[ never helped, usually hurt, so he just blanks out instead. ]

I don't know. Maybe you start with onions. [That's a stupid idea.] Or just learning to let ourselves feel the things we try not to. There's probably something. We can't be the only humans in the history of our species to wonder if they can learn to cry again.

[There are probably papers on it. A good therapist would probably help. Rose is good but she isn't that. There should be information, somewhere, on how to do it.]

I don't think we'd ever cry like some people do. But if we manage to make ourselves not cry, it makes sense that we can get it back again.

Well, we shouted at one another. I didn't even really ever raise my voice at Vantas no matter how much he screamed abuse at me, and the dude hated my fuckin' guts for at least a solid year there. Last time I considered shoutin' before here I guess I was textin' so I couldn't really raise my voice since it was not, in fact, my voice I was usin', and that was with John because he was like, tryin' to get his ass killed.

[ sO DAVE WAS A LITTLE UPSET ]

I sort of liked it. [ wait. ] Not John bein' an idiot and nearly dying. Shouting at you.

[ ...........double wait. ]

I didn't mean that how it sounds like I meant it? Fuck.

[Okay Dirk listened to all that and he did understood what Dave meant, actually, at the first correction

so it's probably why he snorts, and then kinda breaks into a laugh at the second one.]

Wow. Thanks.

[ dave very casually shoves dirk. it's not hard enough to push him off the bed or anything? but. ]

Shut up, like you do better. [ he can't even manage to sound halfway mad.

oh well. ]

I don't know where I was goin' with this.

[Dirk will stop laughing? But he feels justified and isn't sorry.]

I wasn't entirely sure you were going anywhere with it.

To go back to what you were saying before I had the appropriate response because I totally do do better, I like being emotionally expressive with you too.

I can name ten times you've done worse.

[ sO THERE. wait dirk said something else he should respond to first, right.

...

no he doesn't want to reply to that. ]

You wanted to talk about things we could do. Like what?

You can invent ten times.

[Dirk is skilled!

Dave's an idiot though. Some of the levity fades at what Dave does choose to talk about.]

I wasn't sure. I'm not entirely sure what the part that went wrong was. If it was the promise, or the routine, or a combination or something I didn't know about. There were a variety of ideas I was thinking about, but it might be none of them address what's important.

I can name ten times you were way more awkward than me. You asked me after you told me you loved me the first time if you were allowed, point one.

[ he will fucking doxx you dirk

also

dave could like clarify? the stuff dirk isn't sure about? instead: ]

What's important.

It's called manners.

[And he will just BLATANTLY EXCUSE THEM AWAY for the fun of it tbh]

What's important is whatever make it so damaging.

[You played yourself on that one, Dave. Anyway, he continues,]

The general concept, whatever it is, is to start with things we know we can manage and build on that. For example, if there's an issue with trust and promises, then we could start with promises we know we can keep. Then we build on that and start making promises that are a little more uncertain. [...] It sounds dumb as fuck, but we're sufficiently messed up that we can't expect ourselves to just leap into being okay.

That wasn't manners. You didn't say "please". I want a refund.

[ he is not sure he wants to explain what went wrong. dirk can frequently just guess with dead accuracy, so the times he can't are weird and terrifying. ]

The second an uncertain promise was broken we'd be straight back here. And no promises are certain.

Edited 2017-02-18 10:56 (UTC)

We don't refund on customer service.

[Dave is still dodging it. Dirk doesn't know how to go forward except to keep trying his best.] It might not send us back here. You feel like nothing because I broke a promise, and you hate yourself for feeling like that. If we start with those promises, we could get to the point where a broken promise doesn't make you feel like nothing. But the promises might not actually do that, and if that's what you're going to counter with then I'd say we should look to find out what will help you feel like you aren't nothing, and we start with that before we move onto promises.

The counter to that, probably, is that you don't think I can prove something you're sure isn't true. It can probably go on forever back and forth like this.

I didn't loop out time from six pm to midnight. At all.

[ he didn't backtrack, didn't allow even a kharaa trip to overlap to the best of his abilities. he hadn't taken one of those since they'd started, because it would fuck up the schedule, and he hadn't figured out a way around it. there was only one dave strider in existence from the hours of six to midnight for the past four tuesdays. even if the fourth tuesday was spent alone.

usually a little after that, too, since he'd pretty much do the tuesday-thing with dirk until they went to bed. ]

Edited 2017-02-18 11:12 (UTC)

[Dirk didn't know it. He could have to some degree, if he wanted, but he'd never known. There was no way he could if he weren't told it.]

Because that time was set just for us. [A small lift. Was that the reason? Dirk is better at time travel but even now he doesn't understand everything about how it is part of Dave.]

Yeah. I said that time was yours, so it was. [ that wouldn't have been true if he'd made that time someone else's, even if it was still halfway dirk's. ] It's not a thing now, though, so I can go to the Kharaa again.

[ dave had said he was going to before he got dirk to give him the okay on ditching tuesdays but after valentine's day. he hadn't planned to stick to how he'd treated things at all: regardless of what they did, it was always going to be more casual than the weight he'd given it previously. ]

I didn't know. [He should have. But he could not have, not really.] I haven't known a lot of shit I could maybe have worked out, and it's hurt you every time.

For me, it was just knowing that I would get to be with you at all. [That was what was most precious and valuable: not being alone. Dave wanting his company.]

Edited 2017-02-18 11:30 (UTC)

[ dirk's the heart player. dave's the time player. for all he talks about chronology not mattering so much, or the way he thinks it has the importance people give to it, he gives a lot of importance to anyone promising they'll spend time with him. he doesn't get those promises often, if at all. he doesn't have a solid claim on even rose's time like that. book club meetings are semi-scheduled but they've never been set in stone and so when they're diverted or changed dave doesn't really give a fuck.

it mattered more to him that there was a set irrefutable amount of time that was absolutely his, regardless of whatever happened the rest of the week, in which dirk was 100% going to be there with undivided attention. that wasn't a thing that had ever existed in his childhood or after it and it was a thing he should not have relied upon and should not have wanted to start with. they can't start the movie nights back up because it only took three sessions for dave to feel sick to his stomach when he realized it was about to be valentine's day and tuesdays don't trump holidays or any other obligation ever, and he couldn't let them even if dirk was willing to pretend for five seconds they could. ]

It doesn't really matter. I knew how it was going to go a few days beforehand. I just didn't think I'd have to deal with you sticking around that long instead of instantly ditching? So I wasn't as nice as I would've been if I'd figured out you'd do that.

[ if he'd had time to firmly lock his mask in place, he means, instead of waking up to dirk being way too there. ]

I've already said nice isn't what I'm looking for. [His fingers curl in against the back of Dave's shirt. Uncurl.]

It does matter. [It matters because Dave matters. Dave always matters.]

I'll handle it better next time. [ or he'll make sure there isn't a next time to be handled. same difference.] Sorry.

Also not the thing I'm looking for.

[Not repression, not avoiding it.]

You aren't nothing to me, ever. I'm aware you don't believe it, and that you can't deal with movie nights. And you said, once, the easiest way for you to believe me that I loved you was just me living day to day beside you. Can I... is that a thing I'm allowed?

You can do whatever you want.

[ dave will take what is offered without promises and expectations, this time. ]

I won't stop you either way. I know you love me. [ he just believes in expiration dates and half-measures. ]

[Dirk doesn't think he can respond to that tonight. So he doesn't. He curls his head against Dave's chest and shuts his eyes.]

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parodeity - 2017-02-19 00:18 (UTC) - Expand