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[Ah.

In retrospect, a mistake was made.]

That was his expression.

[It's a question that isn't a question. It's a realization.]

Shit. Sorry.

S'what he wanted to see. To answer the part you didn't get.

[ bro's little soldier wasn't far off. he doesn't answer the question that isn't a question because: yeah, duh. ]

It's cool. I'm cool. [ hadn't seen that expression irl in a while but good to know dirk apparently doesn't like seeing it, shit. ]

Edited 2017-02-18 08:49 (UTC)

No, that probably counters as a thing that you have every right not to be cool about. [Fuck.]

I can make a silly face to wash it out. Like. [He tries. He draws out an operatic apologetic face. It looks incredibly stupid and definitely awful.]

[ well, dave snorts? it's still pretty weak but. that's absolutely an expression bro never made (dude only ever made that expression, the blank mask, and dave's not sure how he feels that he has it on lockdown himself). ]

You were not made to make silly faces. [ tiny awkward smiles and weird quirks of his lips maybe, but silly faces look wrong in a ridiculous way on dirk. ]

My silly faces are awesome, fuck you. [He makes another one? It's a silly scared face. It is also terrible, and one hundred percent in the Macaulay Culkin tradition.]

I like your actual expressions better, though. [ but there's something like a smile at the corner of his lips. still not actually there, but almost. ]

Awesome, because my face is killing me. It's like shouting. I am not equipped for that kind of thing.

[He relaxes back to his default neutral: not expressionless, not for someone who can actually read it, but not over the top. A quiet and muted facial range for a kid who never had anyone to express at, but never anyone to hide from either.]

You've shouted around me before. I think you're basically the only person I've legitimately raised my voice around, too.

[ is that a good thing or what? ]

Paradoxically, I probably didn't help, huh.

[ he pokes the corner of dirk's mouth with a finger. dave, leave your brother alone? ]

Can't imagine p space made me all that much more expressive on the flipside, or a loop wouldn't close, or something.

Yeah, and it killed my throat.

[No, Dave has no objections to being poked there. Little lift of the eyebrows there. Gonna give him a dumb finger-pull smile there, Elmer?

There's actually a frown because it takes Dirk a little longer than usual to follow.]

You mean my Bro?

[With the personal pronouns.]

Yeah. You copied his accent. If he'd been expressive like we generally aren't, you probs would've done that, too.

[ is he wrong, here?

also, no. the poking ceases after a second and dave lets his hand fall again. ]

I've never seen you pull one of my smiles or anythin' else.

I, uh, don't know how much I would've. [Dave refers to his smiles. Dirk shrugs here, which is a little weird in a hug but Dave has done it to him often enough.] Mimicking his accent was a deliberate effort that took a lot of practice, which I realize sounds incredibly embarrassing, but even then it didn't stick the way it should for lack of someone using it with me in conversation. Making expressions was harder. I ended up just giving up on it and hoping the coolkid vibe would cover up the Harlow monkey reality.

What do you mean by one of your smiles?

Are you still makin' a deliberate effort, here?

[ about the accent. does dirk practice in private or use shit dave says that he didn't used to.

does he all y'all now that he's heard dave do it a thousand times. ]

Y'know, the ones I imagine he had to give to the paparazzi. Or the kind you give to gel things along. [ he's not specifically referring to forced smiles so much as the easy-going tools they can be, slid in to grease the wheels and keep things calm. ] You don't do that.

At this point it's happenin' whether I like it or not. [

That one was deliberate though.]

The paparazzi hated him. Most of their pictures had him blurred out from a flashstep with a single clear middle finger left in the frame. He was pretty nice to his fans, but at a certain point during my research, I started to assume he was deliberately trying to make his publicist die of horror.

[It isn't really what Dave is asking, though. Dirk doesn't know if he's sure what Dave is asking.] I guess it wasn't ever really a thing I thought about adding in. I don't know if I can do it.

[ dirk. dirk, stop deliberately accenting, it's so ridiculous? ]

That wasn't a yes or no.

[ there actually is a real but fleeting tiny smile at the description of the paparazzi antics. oops. ]

There's no reason to bother. Do you regret shoutin' around me?

It's a 'no.' It happens more naturally now. That makes it stick better.

[He doesn't know why Dave's asking that question, but he doesn't mind.]

My vocal cords did. [That hurt them.] I don't regret it now. I did basically immediately then. Raising your voice is considered a negative, generally speaking. [Because it implies violence.] But it doesn't bother you, so it isn't really an issue as long as I only do it with you.

Shoutin' never really got super linked to violence for me.

[ so. it's not like dirk raising his voice at or around dave ever flashes him back to whatever with bro. silence can. ]

Have you ever cried?

[ where the fuck is he going with this line of questioning. it's possible the answer is "nowhere at all", since > dave. ]

Yeah. [Softer voice there.] I tried not.

With other people?

[ clarifying. ]

Before then. It was rare from a pretty early age, but I didn't want to cry even when I was totally alone.

[The being alone: probably not unrelated to wanting to cry.]

I was never really that demonstrative in the waterworks department, but I've pretty much got it suppressed down to stingin' eyes and not breathin' at this point. I don't know if I could really sob the way some of my friends do if I tried.

Yeah, well, same. Do you think it actually helps?

[ to cry. with people. not that he plans to break down in tears, since dave is fairly certain he just...can't, without killing the impulse, but. ]

I'm pretty sure, as long as the shame of it isn't too overwhelming. There's wild this theory that actually expressing your emotions is better than trying to strangle them to death, and this probably falls into that category.

[BUT THEY BASICALLY CAN'T SO.

WHOOPS?]

I haven't legitimately cried in like. Eons. Onions don't count, right?

[ onions do make him tear up. ]

On the grounds that they produce tears with different chemical compounds than emotion-related crying, I'm going with a no.

[Sorry onions.]

Do you think we're too fucked up to ever cry again?

[ what were they even originally talking about, dave probably doesn't know. (he does, but this is clearly more important) ]

I don't know. [He draws his fingers up to his own eyes.] We have eternity. If we really want, we can probably learn again.

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