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[parodeity]

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[splinten]

I, uh, don't know how much I would've. [Dave refers to his smiles. Dirk shrugs here, which is a little weird in a hug but Dave has done it to him often enough.] Mimicking his accent was a deliberate effort that took a lot of practice, which I realize sounds incredibly embarrassing, but even then it didn't stick the way it should for lack of someone using it with me in conversation. Making expressions was harder. I ended up just giving up on it and hoping the coolkid vibe would cover up the Harlow monkey reality.

What do you mean by one of your smiles?

[parodeity]

Are you still makin' a deliberate effort, here?

[ about the accent. does dirk practice in private or use shit dave says that he didn't used to.

does he all y'all now that he's heard dave do it a thousand times. ]

Y'know, the ones I imagine he had to give to the paparazzi. Or the kind you give to gel things along. [ he's not specifically referring to forced smiles so much as the easy-going tools they can be, slid in to grease the wheels and keep things calm. ] You don't do that.

[splinten]

At this point it's happenin' whether I like it or not. [

That one was deliberate though.]

The paparazzi hated him. Most of their pictures had him blurred out from a flashstep with a single clear middle finger left in the frame. He was pretty nice to his fans, but at a certain point during my research, I started to assume he was deliberately trying to make his publicist die of horror.

[It isn't really what Dave is asking, though. Dirk doesn't know if he's sure what Dave is asking.] I guess it wasn't ever really a thing I thought about adding in. I don't know if I can do it.

[parodeity]

[ dirk. dirk, stop deliberately accenting, it's so ridiculous? ]

That wasn't a yes or no.

[ there actually is a real but fleeting tiny smile at the description of the paparazzi antics. oops. ]

There's no reason to bother. Do you regret shoutin' around me?

[splinten]

It's a 'no.' It happens more naturally now. That makes it stick better.

[He doesn't know why Dave's asking that question, but he doesn't mind.]

My vocal cords did. [That hurt them.] I don't regret it now. I did basically immediately then. Raising your voice is considered a negative, generally speaking. [Because it implies violence.] But it doesn't bother you, so it isn't really an issue as long as I only do it with you.

[parodeity]

Shoutin' never really got super linked to violence for me.

[ so. it's not like dirk raising his voice at or around dave ever flashes him back to whatever with bro. silence can. ]

Have you ever cried?

[ where the fuck is he going with this line of questioning. it's possible the answer is "nowhere at all", since > dave. ]

[splinten]

Yeah. [Softer voice there.] I tried not.

[parodeity]

With other people?

[ clarifying. ]

[splinten]

Before then. It was rare from a pretty early age, but I didn't want to cry even when I was totally alone.

[The being alone: probably not unrelated to wanting to cry.]

I was never really that demonstrative in the waterworks department, but I've pretty much got it suppressed down to stingin' eyes and not breathin' at this point. I don't know if I could really sob the way some of my friends do if I tried.

[parodeity]

Yeah, well, same. Do you think it actually helps?

[ to cry. with people. not that he plans to break down in tears, since dave is fairly certain he just...can't, without killing the impulse, but. ]

[splinten]

I'm pretty sure, as long as the shame of it isn't too overwhelming. There's wild this theory that actually expressing your emotions is better than trying to strangle them to death, and this probably falls into that category.

[BUT THEY BASICALLY CAN'T SO.

WHOOPS?]

[parodeity]

I haven't legitimately cried in like. Eons. Onions don't count, right?

[ onions do make him tear up. ]

[splinten]

On the grounds that they produce tears with different chemical compounds than emotion-related crying, I'm going with a no.

[Sorry onions.]

[parodeity]

Do you think we're too fucked up to ever cry again?

[ what were they even originally talking about, dave probably doesn't know. (he does, but this is clearly more important) ]

[splinten]

I don't know. [He draws his fingers up to his own eyes.] We have eternity. If we really want, we can probably learn again.

[parodeity]

How do you learn to cry, exactly? I dunno about you, but I just rewired the impulse.

[ never helped, usually hurt, so he just blanks out instead. ]

[splinten]

I don't know. Maybe you start with onions. [That's a stupid idea.] Or just learning to let ourselves feel the things we try not to. There's probably something. We can't be the only humans in the history of our species to wonder if they can learn to cry again.

[There are probably papers on it. A good therapist would probably help. Rose is good but she isn't that. There should be information, somewhere, on how to do it.]

I don't think we'd ever cry like some people do. But if we manage to make ourselves not cry, it makes sense that we can get it back again.

[parodeity]

Well, we shouted at one another. I didn't even really ever raise my voice at Vantas no matter how much he screamed abuse at me, and the dude hated my fuckin' guts for at least a solid year there. Last time I considered shoutin' before here I guess I was textin' so I couldn't really raise my voice since it was not, in fact, my voice I was usin', and that was with John because he was like, tryin' to get his ass killed.

[ sO DAVE WAS A LITTLE UPSET ]

I sort of liked it. [ wait. ] Not John bein' an idiot and nearly dying. Shouting at you.

[ ...........double wait. ]

I didn't mean that how it sounds like I meant it? Fuck.

[splinten]

[Okay Dirk listened to all that and he did understood what Dave meant, actually, at the first correction

so it's probably why he snorts, and then kinda breaks into a laugh at the second one.]

Wow. Thanks.

[parodeity]

[ dave very casually shoves dirk. it's not hard enough to push him off the bed or anything? but. ]

Shut up, like you do better. [ he can't even manage to sound halfway mad.

oh well. ]

I don't know where I was goin' with this.

[splinten]

[Dirk will stop laughing? But he feels justified and isn't sorry.]

I wasn't entirely sure you were going anywhere with it.

To go back to what you were saying before I had the appropriate response because I totally do do better, I like being emotionally expressive with you too.

[parodeity]

I can name ten times you've done worse.

[ sO THERE. wait dirk said something else he should respond to first, right.

...

no he doesn't want to reply to that. ]

You wanted to talk about things we could do. Like what?

[splinten]

You can invent ten times.

[Dirk is skilled!

Dave's an idiot though. Some of the levity fades at what Dave does choose to talk about.]

I wasn't sure. I'm not entirely sure what the part that went wrong was. If it was the promise, or the routine, or a combination or something I didn't know about. There were a variety of ideas I was thinking about, but it might be none of them address what's important.

[parodeity]

I can name ten times you were way more awkward than me. You asked me after you told me you loved me the first time if you were allowed, point one.

[ he will fucking doxx you dirk

also

dave could like clarify? the stuff dirk isn't sure about? instead: ]

What's important.

[splinten]

It's called manners.

[And he will just BLATANTLY EXCUSE THEM AWAY for the fun of it tbh]

What's important is whatever make it so damaging.

[You played yourself on that one, Dave. Anyway, he continues,]

The general concept, whatever it is, is to start with things we know we can manage and build on that. For example, if there's an issue with trust and promises, then we could start with promises we know we can keep. Then we build on that and start making promises that are a little more uncertain. [...] It sounds dumb as fuck, but we're sufficiently messed up that we can't expect ourselves to just leap into being okay.