parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

Yeah.

[Ah. Dirk isn't breathing. He should work on that. He should do... something.

He pulls Dave into his arms, and he hugs him. There's something desperate in it this time. He is so, so lost, and he doesn't know how to fix anything.]

[ dave's doing the thing he does where he pulls back hard at the first sign of a burn, a tactical retreat without any sense of strategy. he's not so far gone he doesn't immediately curl into dirk and hug back, although he has hit the point before where he doesn't want that comfort. at least it only got that bad once.

he presses his face to dirk's shoulder and counts the seconds as they slip by. ]

I do love you. [ i'm sorry with a shade of goodbye. ]

I know. [He does know. He doesn't doubt it anymore.] But you're making the wrong choice.

I don't want -

[ dirk told him earlier he could say whatever had upset him but dave still doesn't know how. ]

It's not the wrong choice. I don't want to associate you with feeling like nothing at all. [ so he can't let the possibility exist, full stop. ]

[Ah. He closes his eyes.]

It makes sense you might feel like that because of me. Out of everyone, I'm probably the person who can do it to you easiest, even when I think that I'm doing the opposite.

It's not the wrong choice.

[ his hands twist in the fabric of dirk's shirt and dave pulls closer. ]

It's not.

[Dirk doesn't fight that. He keeps himself as he is, holding Dave. Not letting go.]

I'm pretty confident that you know it is. In the right choice, you have to keep putting yourself at risk until you start to believe that you're never nothing to me, no matter what. The choice you're making right now only protects you by letting you think it but never risk thinking it's been confirmed.

It's not. The other choice is worse.

[ he can take it easily, pretend it doesn't hurt and pretend he isn't wary every second about whatever plan dirk puts into play. the next time there's a broken promise he won't flinch.

but dirk's gotten dave twisted up about lying and he'd usually say it was better but he can't fucking choose. ]

There are more than two choices. [Dave is holding him like this and Dirk knows he's right.] I know that you don't want to just let me go like this. I also know that you have really good reasons to be frightened about relying on things that can vanish.

Most of all, I know that you're never nothing to me. You're my brother, who has spent ten months with me trying to work on things and opens up to start conversations with me now, sometimes. You're the person who understands me the way no one else can, and who gets all the ways that I'm messed up and helps me with them. You saved me when I hated myself so much I never wanted to force my presence on anyone again, and guided me through hating myself and everything I've done, towards fixing what's wrong with me and accepting that there are actual positive things about me. You're who showed me how to support without being controlling or dominating and that I learn better if I'm kinder to myself instead of crueller. You're the best teacher I ever had. You get my sense of humour. You follow along with whatever metaphor I bring in and develop it. You called me stained glass. You're important and irreplaceable, and I need you. There isn't anyone else I want to share a bunkbed with.

That isn't nothing. If you don't feel that then we need to do some more work, and I'm willing to do that. I'll work out what we have to until you believe it all the time. But ultimately, working on that with me is a choice you have to make. That isn't worse than giving up on us.

Edited 2017-02-18 04:26 (UTC)

[ there's a problem here and it started when dave crashed into texas on a meteor and a different iteration of dirk strider picked him up. dirk has had ten months against thirteen years (sixteen years, seventeen years) of influence.

it's not enough to tip those scales. dave's voice is very small when he says: ]

I don't believe you.

[ logically, yeah, dirk loves him and he matters, but no. dave has never believed that he's always something and not ever in certain circumstances nothing. the missteps are a confirmation of the wrong thing and dave takes them all to heart. he matters more to dirk than he ever did to bro, sure. but that only goes so far, and he doesn't (does?) want to believe that it will ever go any further. ]

I'll believe you less with every broken promise, and that isn't fair. So I don't want to make them.

[ don't promise to stay, don't promise to be there, don't promise eternity to the time player who knows how long it lasts. ]

I know.

[He understands why. He knows that the odds are stacked against him. He knows that another version of him poisoned the well before he could even say hello.

GT: Doesn't that mean they also knew they weren't going to be able to stop the witch?
TT: Probably.
TT: But they went down fighting anyway.
GT: Wow.
GT: Thats brave and kind of sad.
TT: Yeah. But wouldn't you?

He should have known the biggest enemy he'd ever have to face off again would always be another iteration of himself.]

I'd like to help you believe me more.

I don't know how you can.

[ he genuinely doesn't. because, like - ]

You can do everythin' right and I still shatter.

[ and it's so stupid and he can't even get away with a laugh and a joke because dirk's always watching out for them. ]

I'm reasonably confident the times when you shatter have not been incidents when I did everything right.

[Like he is. Just saying? He is pretty sure there were missteps in those incidents.]

You behave like an ordinary human bein', I flip out, it's clearly not your fault.

[ do you wanna go, bro ]

I didn't say it was my fault. I think it, generally, but some asshole once told me that was a variation on narcissism. I also knew that but it's easier to pull back from it now that he's said it.

[u. ur the asshole, dave. it's u.]

What I said is that I didn't do everything right. There were things I didn't know about, or things I did but which I didn't fully understand the significance right. That isn't my fault, but it still isn't doing everything right.

We can draw on the recent example. I assumed the important thing was the time spent together. I underestimated the importance of it being a specific, set span of time, for that specific purpose, regularly. I could have maybe inferred it, but it isn't really my fault that I didn't when you didn't say.

Regardless of where the blame lies, if it's anywhere, it's still a misstep.

The recent example still had you doing everythin' right.

[ stubbornly. the mistake here was dave, and anything he'd wanted or gotten himself fucked up about. ]

The reasons it didn't work weren't on anything you did or didn't do. [ just on dave's feelings and inability to cope, so, you know, whatever? ] I'm to blame, and I don't want to - keep doing that, so just - you said we could stop.

We can. [He said they can and he will stand by that.] That doesn't make it any less of a wrong choice. I don't mean giving up movie nights. That's a specific thing, and I'm willing to consider that it might need to stop. You're still choosing to cut and run instead of salvage and build, and you know that's the wrong decision for you and me.

[It hurts. It hollows them out. It takes away things that are worth keeping. Dave says he's worried they're too close but Dirk knows the problem is they're too fragile. Dirk's stubborn, though, persistent as long as there's something to live for. Dave is something. Dirk won't stop until they can do this without hitting a break.]

I don't know how to build off of this.

[ he doesn't want to. dave doesn't want to admit to wanting anything at all. every time he does it goes sideways. he still hasn't specifically said exactly what tuesdays had meant to him. he'd more or less confirmed he didn't loop around or during them at one point because they "mattered". six pm on wasn't time he was willing to duplicate or shove aside. ]

[Dirk is very quiet. He is thinking. He is trying not to make attacks, to twist and search for opening. He is trying to be honest.]

Do you want to try to find out?

I don't know.

[ he can't commit to something vague. he thinks it would probably be better in the long run if dirk eased off needing dave at all, considering how often he manages to hurt his brother. ]

I wouldn't know where to start. [ or whether or not he'd want to take the steps. ]

I don't know either. My question is if you're willing to try and talk about things we could do.

[Dirk suspects Dave isn't. Even the hint of an idea has been brushed away and shut out. There is a barrier between Dave and letting this happen, and Dave hasn't told Dirk all of it.]

[ like, he almost definitely doesn't want to do anything dirk could come up with, probably. and dave really doesn't want to explain himself further.

still. if it's what dirk wants. ]

Okay.

[Dirk doesn't know if he entirely believes what Dave is saying. It's that feeling he gets sometimes. The feeling of being placated. The feeling he's being given something so he'll stop. He has ideas but what's the point of them if Dave doesn't want to try? And he's pretty sure he knows ways to force Dave's hands, simple things he could say, things that aren't even lies, they're just the right things, they're just the best buttons to press to get what he wants. All he has to do is use Dave's weakness, the easiest trigger to pull when the bullet is real. You love me, and you don't want to hurt me.

You're hurting me. I need you to trust me. I love you. It's worst if you leave.

It should work this time, and all he has to do it, but he can't. He won't. It would work and the only reason it might not is if Dave thinks he's protecting Dirk.

If he thinks that. He said he thinks it. He said he can't stab Dirk too.

Dave does think he's protecting Dirk.]

Is it two-sided? You don't want to feel like nothing because of me, but you also don't want to hurt me by reacting negatively. You said you thought we were too close and that you shouldn't have let me move in. Which, aside from being patronizing, is also an implication that you think our closeness is bad for me. You keep implying that you're like your Bro.

[They're all the pieces that Dirk lost track of, the ones he saw and recognized and knew he had to do something with but let go of to try to prioritize what mattered to him most: Dave. They're obvious but he let them slip past him.]

Do you think I should hate you?

[ they're the parts and pieces shoved in sideways or not fully explained or addressed that most people would let go, if dave just danced around the topic long enough or refused to say things outright. he's more straightforward with dirk than he is with most other people - he relies on song references and inside jokes to be honest with rose, a lot of times - and he couldn't say why. sometimes it's nice and sometimes it's habit and sometimes he thinks he just doesn't want dirk to get practiced at picking apart dave's best facades.

the answer is: yes, of course. dave hates himself, dirk definitely should too, because a million reasons. he's sure rose would back him up on the part where he was in the wrong the other day. she doesn't play games of being nice when dave asks her to tell him the truth.

but is it a knife to the back to say "yes" or not? he's as good as said it, but dave hasn't said it yet, not this time. not so far. ]

I didn't say that. [ did, except in every way but the one that mattered. ] I never want to hurt you.

[ no, be honest. ]

I usually don't. Sometimes I say shit meant to hurt you, or Rose, or whoever else.

[ when they're fighting, sometimes he does. he hates doing it, but sometimes it happens. ]

Why?

[I don't need you. It still stings.]

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