parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

Where do you want -

[ no. come on. ]

Will you just get up here?

[Okay. Dirk pulls himself up and lies down beside his brother. He is careful not to touch Dave, although he isn't closed to him. He just doesn't want to encroach on his space. He isn't sure about what happens next so he doesn't say anything.]

[ like dave ever has a better idea of where to go. ]

Can I touch you?

Yeah, if you want. [Now they've just switched positions. He tries to make himself clearer.] I don't want it if it isn't a thing you want, but I would appreciate some contact freely and unloathingly given. So to speak.

[ the obvious answer here is "you'd know if it were, anyway" and dave chooses just not to say it. he's not sure what to say when the only thing in his head on autoplay is how he never should have let dirk stay here, because holy shit dirk deserves better, always, just everyone in his life who isn't quite so shattered.

he is not a good enough person to not draw closer when given permission, but he's at least able to stop himself from doing anything other than just taking one of dirk's hands. it's not precisely what he wants but it's about the only thing dave is willing to allow himself right now. barely. ]

[Dirk takes the hand, and he squeezes it. He turns enough to look at Dave. They're seventeen year old boys in a bunk bed, brothers by choice, father and son by genetics, holding hands and trying to face the unfathomable brokenness in them. Dirk remembers something he read once about childhood development. There was that old tv show, too. Were they stunted in some ways, and made to be old in others? Dirk spent half his life trying to play guardian to his friends and wishing he had one of his own. Dave protected his friends by never letting them know what was really happening with them.

He can't let Dave play guardian to him. He couldn't accept it. It isn't at all what he wants.]

When you think about it, do you ever think about Harlow's monkeys?

No. Because I'm not you.

[ dave's eyes shut, because he's not sure how much he wants to look at dirk during this if this is where the conversation is going. dirk's apartment had a desperation for a hand to hold. dave's apartment was full of fear of anyone reaching out and touching him. ]

He didn't do a thing where the surrogate mothers shocked the monkeys, did he?

Barbed wires, but yeah. I was more interested in his studies on monkeys in isolation. Partial was if they could see and hear but never come into physical contact, and total was no contact whatsoever. I really did not like that dude.

[Not a fan of sadistic experiments there.]

I read a lot of his scientific research. As science it had failings but I definitely related. I spent a lot of time trying to understand where the isolation monkeys failed to readapt into normal society. Since I was human, I figured that if I worked out where I was deficient from study and observation, I could mimic normal behaviour until it worked. My friends would never figure out that I really belonged with a bunch of primates locked alone in boxes.

You're not deficient.

[ he'll just. ignore the rest to pull that part out of the wreckage. ]

You're fuckin' weird, but you're not deficient.

[ ...............i mean, the sentiment is still there, but dave why ]

[Okay that's. Hilarious. There is a snort of laughter.]

Thanks. Sorry though, bro, I am pretty deficient. The game doesn't make you destroyer of souls because it thinks you're a well-adjusted young man.

You always have been and always will be Prince of Heart. It has nothing to do with how adjusted you are or aren't. It's not like you got the title by failing a test or something.

[ paradoxically it was simply always going to be how things went. either side of the scratch. ]

You're not deficient.

[Dirk doesn't argue this time, at least not at first. He tugs a little on Dave's hand.]

What do you want to do?

Not exist.

[ it's a flippant answer, or it isn't. dave opens his eyes.

he's not sure how to word any of the other things, so he settles for: ]

Whatever fucks you up least. But that's one of the things we always argue about.

[At that, his hold on Dave's hand squeezes.]

I get that.

[Both of them.]

Is hurting me what made you want to not exist?

Partly.

[ it's a frequent contender. ]

What do you think needs to go on the list?

I'm not sure. [It's always a discussion. He wants to keep it that way.] Anything you want to work on?

Nothing you want me working on. [ he wants to shut it all down, turn it all off, just feel nothing. ] You?

[He knows that once Dave says it. He has been sensing it for a while.] I'm not sure how to say it precisely as I mean.

[What does he want to say? He wants them to get better. He doesn't think distance is better. He knows, even, that it's worse. Shutting doors is worse. But being open can't be good if it's always an open wound.]

The endgame isn't really a tangible idea. It doesn't even feel appropriate to call it an endgame.

[He wants them to get better but he doesn't think they'll ever be perfect. He thinks, truly, they'll probably never be fixed.]

Do you ever think I'm trying to fix you?

I don't think I'm really fixable.

[ there are too many things that simply won't heal, too many jagged edges he doesn't know what to do with. dirk does everything right sometimes and it just hurts, viscerally, and dave reacts like he's in a battle and then he just makes things worse. ]

I think you're too smart to think I am. [ it's kind of obvious? ] But too much of an idiot to call it quits when it'd be better for you.

Thanks. [Flat-toned. Dave called him an idiot. It must be acknowledged.]

Fixing you isn't what I'm trying to do.

Have you ever thought about trying to fix me? [Actually.] You probably don't think you're capable of it. Different question. Do you think I need fixing?

No. You're not really broken.

[ it'd be cool if dirk wasn't suicidal sometimes, but that's less a concern for dirk needing to be fixed and more a concern for the possibility of losing dirk in an unforeseen way. it's acceptable if they just break off whatever familial idiocy they've committed to and dirk's still alive and well; it isn't so acceptable a thought if dirk just stops existing. ]

Fashion sense aside.

[A pause.]

I just told you how I wanted to die. There's also the thing where I work myself to exhaustion without stopping to eat or sleep because it's easy to forget about those things when my self-worth depends on my ability to prove I have any value to others. I could keep picking out others, like how I assume people will hate me when they get to know me, or the thing where the slightest hint of being abandoned provokes a spiral of self-loathing. That's leaving out my thing about control.

And I'm not broken.

The worst thing about you is that you think those shoes you own are cool.

[ stubbornly. so. yes. ]

Because they're a disaster, actually.

[ STOP FUCKING WEARING THEM ]

You're not otherwise broken.

[No? This is stupid. Dirk refuses this.] My class is broken people by default. We just doubledown when it's Destroyer of Selfhood. That isn't just other people's selves I spent my whole life breaking apart, bro.

[is this their fight now.]

How am I not broken?

You're a good person. You think you're broken, but you're not, really. I think you see shattered glass in situations there's a stained glass window.

[ when do they ever make sense in arguments. ]

There are jagged edges but everyone has those. You're not broken.

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