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[parodeity]

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[parodeity]

It's okay to let me hurt myself for you sometimes.

[ all the times. whatever. ]

For the same reasons you're tryin' to tell me it's somehow magically better if it's the other way around.

[ it's not a response to his ability to kill his own brother in an instant, when it's down to the wire. dirk and rose don't have that, for all that they're more violent than dave is in some ways. ]

[splinten]

Like I said, there's nuance. There's compromise and negotiation, which are healthy in a relationship. The other thing, the toxic thing, is silencing yourself and suffocating your feelings.

Regardless of the choices I've made, that isn't a good thing for either of us or for our relationship.

[Not decapitation, but he's still sorry for that.]

[parodeity]

You're willing to put your feelings aside for me.

[ that isn't nuance, dirk. ]

[splinten]

[fuck you everything is nuance.

Dirk does consider it genuinely, though. He listens, and then he speaks.]

Yes. I don't think it's good that I do, though. I'd like to try to learn not to. Honestly, though, it's difficult to successfully do that if you put your feelings aside for me, because it means that you're making sacrifices on my behalf and I can't stand it. Fair or not, I'd rather be the one with my feelings on the roadside if one of us is going to.

[In other words, Dirk can't really stop sacrificing his feelings unless Dave tries to, too.]

[parodeity]

It isn't. You shouldn't worry about me like you do. We're probably too close? Which just makes it worse. Letting you live here didn't help.

[ he lets his hand drop. ]

Personally I'm team ignore any unfortunate and unreasonable feelings I have, or learn to deal with them on my own. You could join this team. There's potentially t-shirts.

[splinten]

No, thanks. Your team is bad at working out what actually is unreasonable.

[Dirk takes the hand that went away.]

Distance isn't going to make us any better off. It will just mean we're fucked up in isolation. What helps is being open with how we feel and working out a decision together.

[Be honest with their feelings. He's a hypocrite. Can he be honest now?

Dirk closes his eyes.]

Please don't be less close to me.

[parodeity]

I think step one of not putting aside feelings is not doing movie nights.

[ it makes sense to dave, anyway. ]

You being happy unrelated to me is kind of more important [ and possibly less fucked up and more stable ] than you being happy related to me. You need to do stupid normal people stuff without thinking about whatever the hell I'm doing. You aren't my guardian, and I'm not yours.

[ he doesn't tug his hand away, though. ]

I think there are times we both fuck up remembering we're not that level of responsible for one another.

[ it is halfway possible now is one of those times but w/e ]

[splinten]

[Breathe.

Don't feel like you're being shoved out a door.]

You sure? Because you're sure as hell acting like you think you're my guardian right now. I can practically feel myself getting pushed out the door [whoops failed that] and told I need to make some new friends at daycare today.

[parodeity]

Maybe I wouldn't have to if you'd do it alone, kid.

[ this is both a stupid argument and a potentially stupid thing to say and dave isn't even sure why he's saying it? it's a joke or it isn't and he's not sure the difference matters. ]

I don't want to be the obstacle course I realize I am. Okay? Can we just...avoid the rainbow road, here. I know I'll feel the exact same way if not worse if we keep doing Tuesdays, the next time we just can't do things. And then I'm going to have to make a choice between faking being okay or telling you I'm not, and you might think I find that choice easy but I really fuckin' don't. And then I get to sit there fully understanding I'm making things shit for you because I can't turn myself off. Is that what you want to hear?

[ genuine question. he has no idea what dirk's looking for. ]

[splinten]

[It's the 'kid.' Dirk draws entirely off the bed and sits up straight. He looks at Dave like he's waiting for the second attack to come. And it seems to and he wonders, stupidly, when it is that Dave realized he hated Dirk.

He knows it isn't right but the thought sticks in his head. He thinks about asking but he knows it would be the wrong thing to do. It might break something.]

What... am I supposed to be hearing here?

[parodeity]

[ it was a stupid thing to say. he thinks he's called dirk "kid" before jokingly, or at least during a training session, but he can't remember. he might have called him kiddo in a similarly half-mocking situation? what the hell. ]

The thing I hate most is making your life difficult by being me. [ for not having functioning feelings or anything else and always doing or saying something halfway wrong or all the way wrong, and holy shit dirk doesn't need that? ] You're a thousand times more...you're way more functional. I guess I'm trying to tell you not to waste it or get caught up in the times I'm, like, not?

[ it's not "maybe bro had a reason to hate me" so much as "yeah, he definitely did" any longer. ]

I hate the ways in which I'm like him, and this is one of those times. And you really, really don't deserve any of it.

[splinten]

[Dirk doesn't know everything that is happening here. Part of him is still regrouping from the thought that it let go into its head.]

How is any of this like him?

[None of it sounds like it. Maybe being dangerously clingy, that feels like a Dirk thing, but it has never been a Dave's Bro thing from what he could see. On the contrary.]

[parodeity]

When I tell you jack shit and give you nothing to go off of, it's pretty much his playbook.

[ which isn't to say he'll stop that, because dave doesn't entirely know how even when he tries. it's the fallback and how things go but he's aware it fucks dirk up. ]

Letting you shove aside your feelings or interfering with things that make you happy even just by existing are Bro things, too. I guess he usually did it more actively but that wasn't always the case.

[splinten]

[Dirk doesn't say anything immediately. He is listening again. He is trying to think of it from Dave's point of view. But part of it feels wrong, he knows it's wrong. He remembers something from a rooftop.]

Relations between peers is a whole other thing. It's tricky shit. We're both working things out on a relatively equal footing, and we both are at the same point in our lives. It isn't like when one person is older and is supposed to protect the other one.

[He does not rephrase Dave's words mockingly. He says them as words that were important to him, and words he wants to give back.]

You aren't my guardian, Dave. We've always been most successful when we've worked on things as equals. That's why I said we need to step back from trying to sacrifice our feelings for each other. It goes back to the unilateral decision-making discussion.

[parodeity]

[ the mention of the list, at least, freezes dave. he exhales. ]

What do you want to do?

[ it's a request for information rather than direction. ]

[splinten]

[He feels bad for making Dave freeze up. He doesn't know if maybe he had to, though.]

I'd like to talk, if we can. Specifically, I'd like to go back to the list. It looks like there are things we need to add to the no-go column, and other ones that we need to put in the work-on-it section.

[parodeity]

Fine. Will you get off the floor?

[splinten]

[It isn't a positive answer. But Dirk is calmer now, so he doesn't seem to be hurt.]

Where should I be?

[parodeity]

Where do you want -

[ no. come on. ]

Will you just get up here?

[splinten]

[Okay. Dirk pulls himself up and lies down beside his brother. He is careful not to touch Dave, although he isn't closed to him. He just doesn't want to encroach on his space. He isn't sure about what happens next so he doesn't say anything.]

[parodeity]

[ like dave ever has a better idea of where to go. ]

Can I touch you?

[splinten]

Yeah, if you want. [Now they've just switched positions. He tries to make himself clearer.] I don't want it if it isn't a thing you want, but I would appreciate some contact freely and unloathingly given. So to speak.

[parodeity]

[ the obvious answer here is "you'd know if it were, anyway" and dave chooses just not to say it. he's not sure what to say when the only thing in his head on autoplay is how he never should have let dirk stay here, because holy shit dirk deserves better, always, just everyone in his life who isn't quite so shattered.

he is not a good enough person to not draw closer when given permission, but he's at least able to stop himself from doing anything other than just taking one of dirk's hands. it's not precisely what he wants but it's about the only thing dave is willing to allow himself right now. barely. ]

[splinten]

[Dirk takes the hand, and he squeezes it. He turns enough to look at Dave. They're seventeen year old boys in a bunk bed, brothers by choice, father and son by genetics, holding hands and trying to face the unfathomable brokenness in them. Dirk remembers something he read once about childhood development. There was that old tv show, too. Were they stunted in some ways, and made to be old in others? Dirk spent half his life trying to play guardian to his friends and wishing he had one of his own. Dave protected his friends by never letting them know what was really happening with them.

He can't let Dave play guardian to him. He couldn't accept it. It isn't at all what he wants.]

When you think about it, do you ever think about Harlow's monkeys?

[parodeity]

No. Because I'm not you.

[ dave's eyes shut, because he's not sure how much he wants to look at dirk during this if this is where the conversation is going. dirk's apartment had a desperation for a hand to hold. dave's apartment was full of fear of anyone reaching out and touching him. ]

He didn't do a thing where the surrogate mothers shocked the monkeys, did he?