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[parodeity]

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[parodeity]

[ it was a stupid thing to say. he thinks he's called dirk "kid" before jokingly, or at least during a training session, but he can't remember. he might have called him kiddo in a similarly half-mocking situation? what the hell. ]

The thing I hate most is making your life difficult by being me. [ for not having functioning feelings or anything else and always doing or saying something halfway wrong or all the way wrong, and holy shit dirk doesn't need that? ] You're a thousand times more...you're way more functional. I guess I'm trying to tell you not to waste it or get caught up in the times I'm, like, not?

[ it's not "maybe bro had a reason to hate me" so much as "yeah, he definitely did" any longer. ]

I hate the ways in which I'm like him, and this is one of those times. And you really, really don't deserve any of it.

[splinten]

[Dirk doesn't know everything that is happening here. Part of him is still regrouping from the thought that it let go into its head.]

How is any of this like him?

[None of it sounds like it. Maybe being dangerously clingy, that feels like a Dirk thing, but it has never been a Dave's Bro thing from what he could see. On the contrary.]

[parodeity]

When I tell you jack shit and give you nothing to go off of, it's pretty much his playbook.

[ which isn't to say he'll stop that, because dave doesn't entirely know how even when he tries. it's the fallback and how things go but he's aware it fucks dirk up. ]

Letting you shove aside your feelings or interfering with things that make you happy even just by existing are Bro things, too. I guess he usually did it more actively but that wasn't always the case.

[splinten]

[Dirk doesn't say anything immediately. He is listening again. He is trying to think of it from Dave's point of view. But part of it feels wrong, he knows it's wrong. He remembers something from a rooftop.]

Relations between peers is a whole other thing. It's tricky shit. We're both working things out on a relatively equal footing, and we both are at the same point in our lives. It isn't like when one person is older and is supposed to protect the other one.

[He does not rephrase Dave's words mockingly. He says them as words that were important to him, and words he wants to give back.]

You aren't my guardian, Dave. We've always been most successful when we've worked on things as equals. That's why I said we need to step back from trying to sacrifice our feelings for each other. It goes back to the unilateral decision-making discussion.

[parodeity]

[ the mention of the list, at least, freezes dave. he exhales. ]

What do you want to do?

[ it's a request for information rather than direction. ]

[splinten]

[He feels bad for making Dave freeze up. He doesn't know if maybe he had to, though.]

I'd like to talk, if we can. Specifically, I'd like to go back to the list. It looks like there are things we need to add to the no-go column, and other ones that we need to put in the work-on-it section.

[parodeity]

Fine. Will you get off the floor?

[splinten]

[It isn't a positive answer. But Dirk is calmer now, so he doesn't seem to be hurt.]

Where should I be?

[parodeity]

Where do you want -

[ no. come on. ]

Will you just get up here?

[splinten]

[Okay. Dirk pulls himself up and lies down beside his brother. He is careful not to touch Dave, although he isn't closed to him. He just doesn't want to encroach on his space. He isn't sure about what happens next so he doesn't say anything.]

[parodeity]

[ like dave ever has a better idea of where to go. ]

Can I touch you?

[splinten]

Yeah, if you want. [Now they've just switched positions. He tries to make himself clearer.] I don't want it if it isn't a thing you want, but I would appreciate some contact freely and unloathingly given. So to speak.

[parodeity]

[ the obvious answer here is "you'd know if it were, anyway" and dave chooses just not to say it. he's not sure what to say when the only thing in his head on autoplay is how he never should have let dirk stay here, because holy shit dirk deserves better, always, just everyone in his life who isn't quite so shattered.

he is not a good enough person to not draw closer when given permission, but he's at least able to stop himself from doing anything other than just taking one of dirk's hands. it's not precisely what he wants but it's about the only thing dave is willing to allow himself right now. barely. ]

[splinten]

[Dirk takes the hand, and he squeezes it. He turns enough to look at Dave. They're seventeen year old boys in a bunk bed, brothers by choice, father and son by genetics, holding hands and trying to face the unfathomable brokenness in them. Dirk remembers something he read once about childhood development. There was that old tv show, too. Were they stunted in some ways, and made to be old in others? Dirk spent half his life trying to play guardian to his friends and wishing he had one of his own. Dave protected his friends by never letting them know what was really happening with them.

He can't let Dave play guardian to him. He couldn't accept it. It isn't at all what he wants.]

When you think about it, do you ever think about Harlow's monkeys?

[parodeity]

No. Because I'm not you.

[ dave's eyes shut, because he's not sure how much he wants to look at dirk during this if this is where the conversation is going. dirk's apartment had a desperation for a hand to hold. dave's apartment was full of fear of anyone reaching out and touching him. ]

He didn't do a thing where the surrogate mothers shocked the monkeys, did he?

[splinten]

Barbed wires, but yeah. I was more interested in his studies on monkeys in isolation. Partial was if they could see and hear but never come into physical contact, and total was no contact whatsoever. I really did not like that dude.

[Not a fan of sadistic experiments there.]

I read a lot of his scientific research. As science it had failings but I definitely related. I spent a lot of time trying to understand where the isolation monkeys failed to readapt into normal society. Since I was human, I figured that if I worked out where I was deficient from study and observation, I could mimic normal behaviour until it worked. My friends would never figure out that I really belonged with a bunch of primates locked alone in boxes.

[parodeity]

You're not deficient.

[ he'll just. ignore the rest to pull that part out of the wreckage. ]

You're fuckin' weird, but you're not deficient.

[ ...............i mean, the sentiment is still there, but dave why ]

[splinten]

[Okay that's. Hilarious. There is a snort of laughter.]

Thanks. Sorry though, bro, I am pretty deficient. The game doesn't make you destroyer of souls because it thinks you're a well-adjusted young man.

[parodeity]

You always have been and always will be Prince of Heart. It has nothing to do with how adjusted you are or aren't. It's not like you got the title by failing a test or something.

[ paradoxically it was simply always going to be how things went. either side of the scratch. ]

You're not deficient.

[splinten]

[Dirk doesn't argue this time, at least not at first. He tugs a little on Dave's hand.]

What do you want to do?

[parodeity]

Not exist.

[ it's a flippant answer, or it isn't. dave opens his eyes.

he's not sure how to word any of the other things, so he settles for: ]

Whatever fucks you up least. But that's one of the things we always argue about.

[splinten]

[At that, his hold on Dave's hand squeezes.]

I get that.

[Both of them.]

Is hurting me what made you want to not exist?

[parodeity]

Partly.

[ it's a frequent contender. ]

What do you think needs to go on the list?

[splinten]

I'm not sure. [It's always a discussion. He wants to keep it that way.] Anything you want to work on?

[parodeity]

Nothing you want me working on. [ he wants to shut it all down, turn it all off, just feel nothing. ] You?