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[parodeity]

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[splinten]

If we were the Gods of Irony, we'd have way better control over the stupidity that happens in our life.

[No one asks him anything so Dirk stays standing with his hands in his pockets and his expressions on his face, for anyone with Strider adeptness to read.]

The thing that's ironic is I wanted to spend Valentine's with you because I love you, and I really like allocating time to your exclusive company. Instead, I broke the time that I allocate to your exclusive company.

[parodeity]

Dirk, you literally did nothing wrong, full stop. It's just...me. Okay? I did the wrong thing and I can't...

[ dave nearly says he can't handle that, but he keeps saying he can so he shouldn't so obviously contradict himself, maybe. ]

You did everything right. I'm sorry I'm an asshole. [ he's sorry he didn't just keep it quiet, too, but dirk doesn't want to hear that part. dave uncovers his face and examines the bottom of the top bunk before flicking his gaze sideways to see exactly how much damage he did. ] We can still do the time allocation thing.

[ should have just gone with it in the first place, and this is why people like having brain to mouth filters, although dirk said he hadn't expected this so maybe dave had been hiding it better than he'd been worried he had until he fucked up and told the truth. ]

[splinten]

We can't if you don't actually believe in it.

[Dirk walks over to Dave, but then he stops. He doesn't sit on the bed. He sits in front of it, on the ground. Cross-legged and so level with Dave's head.]

You know how I said I wanted you to need me more? That's why I'm okay with you being an asshole. This particular assholeishness is about needing me. Because I'm also an asshole, I like that.

[parodeity]

[ dirk. why the fuck are you sitting on the floor. dave turns on his side, but he doesn't reach out. ]

I'm sorry. [ for not believing it, for not wanting to give dirk the chance of him believing it, because there's just no way they'll be able to stick to it and it'll hurt worse the second time and the third time and the fourth time. ]

I know every single potential foreseeable conflict for the next several decades now. For any day of the week.

[ ok, shit. that sounds creepy and clingy and weird. ]

...I didn't want to say that part, so let's pretend I didn't.

[ but it'd freaked him out that something time related had snuck up on him so. he hadn't been able to stop himself checking. ]

[splinten]

[It doesn't surprise him. Dirk also doesn't ignore it. Instead, he listens.]

What are the conflicts on Tuesday for the next ten years?

[parodeity]

Please don't make me go through them.

[ that's so many years and so many tuesdays and while he has the figures there (halloween this year and rose and roxy's birthday the year after that and fucking christmas the year after that - ) dave doesn't want to think about the things he doesn't want to go up against. ]

There's at least two more holidays this year alone, if you gotta know.

[splinten]

Which two?

[parodeity]

Dirk. Please. You can get a calendar from URSULA if you really want and discuss it with yourself. Even discountin' the shit I can see comin', there is always the shit I can't and I think it'd be best if we just...made it more casual.

[ safer, but also less toxic maybe? he doesn't fucking know, dave just knows he hated the other day and doesn't ever want to get in the way remotely like that. ]

If someone else - Mom or Jake or Hinata or anyone - ever needs you on a Tuesday evening, you can't be fuckin' worrying about me and I can't be an idiot. I don't want this to be a thing we do anymore. Okay? Not on my side.

[splinten]

[Dirk leans forward. Without getting onto the bed, he tilts and rests his head on it. It's awkward and stupid but he can't get any closer. He is so tired.] I enjoy having routines and schedules with you. I hate having anything we built between us destroyed.

[parodeity]

At various times in the next ten years every friend's birthday falls on a Tuesday at least once if not multiple times. New Year's and New Year's Eve and Christmas and Christmas Eve and Halloween and the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving and Valentine's. Those are all foreseeable conflicts.

[ he doesn't even want to think about the unforeseeable ones. ]

If you want a schedule we can - no that wouldn't work.

[ he was about to offer their birthday as collateral but dirk might want to do other things on his birthday so nvm. ]

[splinten]

We can what? [There's a pause. A frown.] You said 'if I want a schedule.' You were going to offer me a bargain to make me stop.

[parodeity]

You said you hate it when I do that.

[ but also he doesn't actually have a bargain worth making here because every day he could give dirk is better spent with like. anyone else. for dirk. ]

[splinten]

That would be because I do.

[The frown softens, but it's still there. He wants to say something but he knows Dave won't take it. Still, he has to say it. Isn't that what his Bro stood for? Fighting the losing battle because you have to. Because it's the right thing to do.]

All of those are things we can do before or after the hours we use for movie night.

[parodeity]

Ok. We'll defer that train wreck until December.

[ whatever train wreck he's referring to. ]

If you don't want to give them up we don't have to. Just...we can just keep it casual. So it's okay to break them. That'd be better. If it's not a promise it doesn't matter if we have to reschedule.

[splinten]

[The other thing could be answered to but.]

What trainwreck.

[Now what.]

[parodeity]

...Nothing?

[ fuck ]

[splinten]

Wow. I'm completely persuaded.

[being exhausted and sad doesn't stop him from being sarcastic. IT ONLY MAKES HIM STRONGER]

[parodeity]

...I'm probably not going to spend huge amounts of time at our birthday party?

[ especially if it's a combo party. ]

I was going to offer to...stick around then instead of ditch.

[splinten]

[A few things occur to Dirk here. Some are the reasons why Dave wouldn't be there. There are other matters as well.

One, however, is most prominent.]

You are offering to stay in a place you don't want to be, for me. After I explained I didn't want to spend time with you if it made you miserable because it was toxic and lonely.

[Dave.]

[parodeity]

Hey, I stopped myself before actually offering.

[ he only got...halfway through the offer. ]

I don't get why you have such a big deal with this - you do shit you don't want to do for other people, too.

[splinten]

[He almost gets his hackles up and starts defending and then he realizes it's pointless and also slight of hand. So, instead, he makes himself not do that.]

You're ignoring nuance, but yes. There are a few reasons behind it. Do you want to know the major one?

[parodeity]

No.

[ he imagines it's because bro always let dave do things he didn't want to do. or required it. ]

But tell me anyway.

[splinten]

Because of all the things I really don't want to do, being responsible for your unhappiness is top of the list. Prince of Heart means I should see it coming. Mostly, it makes me need to send you an urgent text message which is usually pointless since we're in the same room.

[parodeity]

You're suicidal right now.

[splinten]

No. [He's okay right now. He's calm and he's thinking and he is resting his head awkwardly on a bed.]

A while ago, though, yeah. Before you told me you wanted to cancel movie nights. For another dishing of irony on tonight's overdone menu, that helped me get out of it. It was around when I mentioned drowning.

[Dirk grew up alone in the middle of ocean. Of course whenever he thinks of dying, he thinks of giving in to the sea.]