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[parodeity]

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[splinten]

Wow. I'm completely persuaded.

[being exhausted and sad doesn't stop him from being sarcastic. IT ONLY MAKES HIM STRONGER]

[parodeity]

...I'm probably not going to spend huge amounts of time at our birthday party?

[ especially if it's a combo party. ]

I was going to offer to...stick around then instead of ditch.

[splinten]

[A few things occur to Dirk here. Some are the reasons why Dave wouldn't be there. There are other matters as well.

One, however, is most prominent.]

You are offering to stay in a place you don't want to be, for me. After I explained I didn't want to spend time with you if it made you miserable because it was toxic and lonely.

[Dave.]

[parodeity]

Hey, I stopped myself before actually offering.

[ he only got...halfway through the offer. ]

I don't get why you have such a big deal with this - you do shit you don't want to do for other people, too.

[splinten]

[He almost gets his hackles up and starts defending and then he realizes it's pointless and also slight of hand. So, instead, he makes himself not do that.]

You're ignoring nuance, but yes. There are a few reasons behind it. Do you want to know the major one?

[parodeity]

No.

[ he imagines it's because bro always let dave do things he didn't want to do. or required it. ]

But tell me anyway.

[splinten]

Because of all the things I really don't want to do, being responsible for your unhappiness is top of the list. Prince of Heart means I should see it coming. Mostly, it makes me need to send you an urgent text message which is usually pointless since we're in the same room.

[parodeity]

You're suicidal right now.

[splinten]

No. [He's okay right now. He's calm and he's thinking and he is resting his head awkwardly on a bed.]

A while ago, though, yeah. Before you told me you wanted to cancel movie nights. For another dishing of irony on tonight's overdone menu, that helped me get out of it. It was around when I mentioned drowning.

[Dirk grew up alone in the middle of ocean. Of course whenever he thinks of dying, he thinks of giving in to the sea.]

[parodeity]

Why the fuck did that help.

[ no, wait. he actually works through it. ]

Because I wasn't tellin' you at all.

[splinten]

[Nailed it.]

Then it just took a system reboot to refocus, to use inappropriate computing metaphors that are probably not awesome for my self-image. Anyway, I'm okay now. It would be dishonesty even past your usual level to say I'm good, but I don't want to make creative use of a sendificator so I'm calling it a win.

[parodeity]

[ when he slows down, he usually isn't too bad at figuring it out. ]

Creative use of a - oh.

[ goddamnit dirk. dave seriously debates demanding dirk never make anything remotely resembling a sendificator ever again, but opts not to. ]

You're kind of the furthest thing from a robot. Thinking in those metaphors doesn't change that.

[splinten]

My friends used to joke about me being one, entirely because that's basically what I pretended to be. They've more or less worked it out by now.

[He thinks some people make that mistake though. He doesn't mind as long as the people who matter most realize.]

You didn't scold me for automatically choosing head-removal. Nice restraint holdin' back on it.

[parodeity]

Why the fuck would you have chosen anything else.

[ so dry ]

In actuality I've probably got more robo-tendencies than you do. You're just kinda awkward.

[splinten]

[He remembers the descriptor Dave used for his Bro. He doesn't want Dave using it for himself.]

You don't really. A true robot would totally get rid of the processing that you can only ignore. You're as human as I am.

[parodeity]

If you say so.

[ some days he still feels like an afterthought rather than a person. dave reaches out, but it's to awkwardly put two fingers at dirk's carotid artery. neck still connected, pulse still going. ]

Are you going to be ok?

[splinten]

[The gesture is surprising. Dirk doesn't pull away from it, and it isn't uncomfortable. It's just that he usually gets it from Jake.

He wishes he could undo what he did to them both.]

Yeah. Sorry for the decapitation joke.

[parodeity]

I'm the last person you need to apologize to. I could do it all over again.

[ he absently counts the heartbeats. ]

No hesitation.

[ probably it says something unfortunate about him. ]

[splinten]

[It's a good way to keep time. As strange as it is, Dirk doesn't mind sitting there and letting Dave feel his pulse beat away. It's steady and calm, now.]

The hesitation isn't the part that matters.

[parodeity]

Enlighten me, Obi-Wan. What part matters?

[ because, the thing is. ]

Everyone else would have hesitated, if they'd even been able to kill you.

[splinten]

I think a lot of the others wouldn't be capable, but if it happened they wouldn't be worse or better off.

[His voice is quiet, not disturbing the pulse on his throat.]

The nightmares and the self-loathin' are what I'm counting as the expression of your real feelings on it. What matters to me is it hurt you.

[parodeity]

It's okay to let me hurt myself for you sometimes.

[ all the times. whatever. ]

For the same reasons you're tryin' to tell me it's somehow magically better if it's the other way around.

[ it's not a response to his ability to kill his own brother in an instant, when it's down to the wire. dirk and rose don't have that, for all that they're more violent than dave is in some ways. ]

[splinten]

Like I said, there's nuance. There's compromise and negotiation, which are healthy in a relationship. The other thing, the toxic thing, is silencing yourself and suffocating your feelings.

Regardless of the choices I've made, that isn't a good thing for either of us or for our relationship.

[Not decapitation, but he's still sorry for that.]

[parodeity]

You're willing to put your feelings aside for me.

[ that isn't nuance, dirk. ]

[splinten]

[fuck you everything is nuance.

Dirk does consider it genuinely, though. He listens, and then he speaks.]

Yes. I don't think it's good that I do, though. I'd like to try to learn not to. Honestly, though, it's difficult to successfully do that if you put your feelings aside for me, because it means that you're making sacrifices on my behalf and I can't stand it. Fair or not, I'd rather be the one with my feelings on the roadside if one of us is going to.

[In other words, Dirk can't really stop sacrificing his feelings unless Dave tries to, too.]