subnautica ic inbox 3.0;

[parodeity]

TELEPATHY | TEXT | VOICE | VIDEO | ACTION

GO HERE FOR NEW THREADS PLEASE

Comments

[splinten]

It's just the same promise I always make.

[Dirk looks across the bedroom. It's their bunk beds. He loves those bunk beds. He'd talked about it with Dave and then Dave made him stop because Dave didn't like talking about things that could never happen.

He breathes.]

It's okay that this fucks you up, and it's okay that you want to pull away from me. I get why you don't want to rely on something you'll lose. I'm scared too.

[parodeity]

Don't worry. I'm not really lettin' myself. I can deal.

[ he can shut up and take it, he can, and the past few days is just further proof dave needs to ease back into that. john being around makes that almost laughably easy. talking to john is like turning back the clock - it's easy banter and never letting anything get through that might hurt his friend. why did he ever start to ease off that instinct? ]

Anyway. That's all I had to say for now. [ about the warpers. john or anything else isn't really relevant. ] Can this count as the pre-trip talk? We'll leave sometime tomorrow, probably.

[splinten]

Yeah, okay.

[It isn't what he wants. He doesn't stop looking at the bunkbeds.]

Do you want some space from me?

[parodeity]

How do you mean?

[ dave opens his eyes, slants his gaze sideways. ]

[splinten]

I mean it any way you might need it.

[Physical, temporal, emotional. Does Dave need to push Dirk away?

Dirk is very quiet and very calm. He can deal with this situation. He isn't like Dave, he doesn't shut himself out of feeling things. But he can push them out of other people's way, and do it all without imposing on someone else.

He knows he should. Maybe Roxy or Jake? He wants to ask Dave to help him. But that wouldn't be fair. So, he can't.]

[parodeity]

Don't ask me to hurt you. More, I mean.

[ it is, he thinks, essentially what that question means. the ways in which dave wants space aren't entirely temporary. he can't ask for them. he probably shouldn't even do the kharaa visit, but he'd promised them he'd go by more often so it's at least halfway forgivable as an obligation elsewhere.

isn't it? or is that just the way he wants to see things?

he drops off the desk to head over to the lower bunk, nearly stumbling once but catching himself without much of a problem. ]

Worry about what you need instead.

[splinten]

[Dirk almost moves to catch him but Dave catches himself so Dirk stays still.]

I need you, bro. That isn't something I can just demand. But if you need to shut me out, then it's something that I'll try to endure. I think it will hurt you more not to let yourself be close to me for as long as possible, but it isn't a choice I can make on your behalf. As it is, I'd rather know where I actually stand so I know how the tide will come in. Basic ocean survival. If we're talking about triggers then we both know that we're talking about one of mine but at least if you tell me you're leaving me alone I can get accustomed to this situation. My instinct is to fight it anyway but that always is my first instinct. Fight, lose, turn into pixellated stardust. We said you could hit abscond whenever you needed to abscond as long as you tell me you're doing it and that you'll come back, and maybe you won't return, but maybe abscondin' is what you need to be here. The thing is, I said I think it would hurt you to not be near me, but I also think it will hurt you if you don't take full distance when you need it. Half-way spaces suck. If I'm confessing my feelings, as you asked me to, then my feeling is that I'd rather have to hold my breath until my lungs are screaming than stay half-drowned all this time and never know if I'll die or live. At this point it's dubious whether I'm submerged or choking on froth.

[A rambling monotone. He could make his brother proud with that kind of stream-of-consciousness bullshit. His hand is still on the desk palm-up.]

Anyway, that's Wonderwall.

[parodeity]

[ dave doesn't so much carefully lay down as he flops on the bed, facedown, before rolling over after a minute or so. he's allowed to his abscond and he more or less has been playing at that all day, just not dealing with people full stop, but he can't lose himself in the timeline without hurting everyone. or dirk and rose. ]

We can keep doin' things like we have been. I realize I was raised by a complete and utter asshole, but I feel like maybe I should try not to be one.

[ he can't let himself ask. ]

Even on the off chance I'm not fine, I will be. [ or he'll get used to it and acclimate and he'll be fine in that way. ] And it isn't about you, so...don't drown yourself.

[splinten]

Who it's about isn't really the thing here. It's what we become when keeping yourself open to me is metaphorically equivalent to ripping at a wound so it won't heal.

[Dirk gets to his feet.]

It's okay, Dave. I can sleep somewhere else right now. Being here when you want me gone is worse than distance, so you don't have to worry about hurting me.

[parodeity]

No, you can come here if you - if you want.

[ it's not really an issue. he doesn't want to broach any of the issues. but. ]

Is it hurting you worse not to know?

[ it hurts dave either way and he's a little too tired to care. it isn't as though he hasn't spent the entire day repeatedly stabbing himself in the gut, metaphorically or otherwise. ]

[splinten]

Yes. My capacity for extrapolation tends towards negativity.

[parodeity]

I want to ask if we can quit tuesday movie nights.

[ at least that much space. he hated how he felt way too much to want to go through it again. dave's well aware it's an asshole move and that it'll hurt dirk. he clearly doesn't want to say the words even as he says them, but may as well.

dave isn't sure what else he needs to say, so he just grabs the nearest thing after that, and says: ]

The kharaa trip isn't about you. I need space from John.

[ john who he's likened to being a missing limb, but yeah. is there something up with the base that made you move out that i should know about john. trusts dave way too much when dave tells him absolutely nothing john.

he desperately does not ever want to tell john the shit he's never said, but dave's pretty damn well certain that means he doesn't remotely deserve his best friend, at this point. at the very least he doesn't deserve john's trust.

but an entire day trying to work up to whether or not he should tell john about anything at all hadn't done much more than cause panic attacks and make him physically ill, when he was focused on it. john is the epitome of everything not sucky in the universe, his taste in nic cage movies and matthew whoever aside. you don't just tell the human personification of good shit about the terrible things that exist in the universe. not without being a terrible person. ]

[splinten]

[Oh. Dirk doesn't say anything. He doesn't move, either. He can stay on his feet when he needs to.

He can't think.]

Pause.

[That's what they agreed on. It's all he can manage. Pause. He needs to hit pause.]

[parodeity]

[ dave isn't enough of a dick to say told you so, but he halfway thinks it.

more pressingly: ]

What do you want to do?

[ and is it something he needs to get out of bed for? pause, dave stays, they do something stupid. the conversation is dropped. ]

[splinten]

Just pause.

[He needs to be still and think. He needs to take the knife from between his ribs. He needs to be a human being again.]

[parodeity]

A'ight.

[ he'll...shut up and cross his arms over his eyes like he does when he doesn't want to actually exist in the space he's in. shades usually help with that, but he hasn't put them back on.

dave decides that next time, he'll let dirk do the drowning metaphor thing and not clarify whatever he's thinking about. the previous situation was probably preferable to the current one. ]

[splinten]

You can abscond.

[That comes out calmly.]

I can do it for you.

[He moves for the stairs.]

[parodeity]

[ dave jolts, a little. opens his eyes under his arms, too wide, but they can't be seen. ]

I don't -

[ no no no don't say it. dave swallows the words, an aborted admission or desperate request and he's not really sure which, because maybe for once dirk needs to abscond? probably he does. dave shouldn't have said anything to start with, and this is why he hadn't wanted to.

recalibrate. ]

Okay.

[splinten]

[Dirk stops. He turns around. He hit pause and he can think clearly on one thing, if given the space to think through that thing. Dave interrupted himself and moved although not much.]

The idea of the lonely apartment is that it would be filled if there was just one other person in there. It's too simple an idea, because presence isn't enough to mitigate loneliness. A person can be in a room with someone doing two separate things and that can be a kind of being together; that isn't what I'm talking about. What I mean is that if a person is in a room with someone who doesn't want to be in a room with them, then it's a higher magnitude of loneliness because the loneliness of absence is never as cutting as the loneliness of rejection. It's preferable in that case to find another room.

I went to leave because I interpreted your body language to mean you don't want to be in a room with me. If I'm wrong, I'll stay.

[parodeity]

You can stay if you want to. You should -

[ he cuts himself off again. you always force my hand. he stops talking again. when he picks back up, it's much quieter. ]

You can go if you want. [ it's still not definitive, still refusing responsibility for the decision. he feels sick to his stomach, still, when he continues. ]

But I don't want you to.

[splinten]

[It is nice to hear Dave doesn't want to. But it also doesn't feel right.]

You're suffering too.

[He looks at Dave.]

You were upset that Valentine's was on a Tuesday. You didn't want to tell me because you felt guilty and selfish.

[parodeity]

It wasn't "felt", it was - shit, sorry.

[ don't talk about it. dirk didn't say go, so he's not going to talk about it.

dave swallows. ]

I'm fine.

[splinten]

That's a lie. [He realizes at the 'sorry.'] Play. We don't have to lose a thing because we messed up with it once.

[parodeity]

Okay.

[ he doesn't want to, it's a lie, but dirk had to hit pause after just hearing it once and dave isn't interested in repeating himself. ]

I said I wanted to ask, not that I was askin'.

[splinten]

[Dirk isn't stupid. He can read between the lines.]

Shockingly, I remain not a complete idiot. I can handle that you really don't want to. I just didn't see it coming.

[He wants to talk about John but he's sure he can't until they talk about this. Should they even talk about it right now? He doesn't know. His head still isn't clear but it is more focused than before.]