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[parodeity]

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[parodeity]

I want to ask if we can quit tuesday movie nights.

[ at least that much space. he hated how he felt way too much to want to go through it again. dave's well aware it's an asshole move and that it'll hurt dirk. he clearly doesn't want to say the words even as he says them, but may as well.

dave isn't sure what else he needs to say, so he just grabs the nearest thing after that, and says: ]

The kharaa trip isn't about you. I need space from John.

[ john who he's likened to being a missing limb, but yeah. is there something up with the base that made you move out that i should know about john. trusts dave way too much when dave tells him absolutely nothing john.

he desperately does not ever want to tell john the shit he's never said, but dave's pretty damn well certain that means he doesn't remotely deserve his best friend, at this point. at the very least he doesn't deserve john's trust.

but an entire day trying to work up to whether or not he should tell john about anything at all hadn't done much more than cause panic attacks and make him physically ill, when he was focused on it. john is the epitome of everything not sucky in the universe, his taste in nic cage movies and matthew whoever aside. you don't just tell the human personification of good shit about the terrible things that exist in the universe. not without being a terrible person. ]

[splinten]

[Oh. Dirk doesn't say anything. He doesn't move, either. He can stay on his feet when he needs to.

He can't think.]

Pause.

[That's what they agreed on. It's all he can manage. Pause. He needs to hit pause.]

[parodeity]

[ dave isn't enough of a dick to say told you so, but he halfway thinks it.

more pressingly: ]

What do you want to do?

[ and is it something he needs to get out of bed for? pause, dave stays, they do something stupid. the conversation is dropped. ]

[splinten]

Just pause.

[He needs to be still and think. He needs to take the knife from between his ribs. He needs to be a human being again.]

[parodeity]

A'ight.

[ he'll...shut up and cross his arms over his eyes like he does when he doesn't want to actually exist in the space he's in. shades usually help with that, but he hasn't put them back on.

dave decides that next time, he'll let dirk do the drowning metaphor thing and not clarify whatever he's thinking about. the previous situation was probably preferable to the current one. ]

[splinten]

You can abscond.

[That comes out calmly.]

I can do it for you.

[He moves for the stairs.]

[parodeity]

[ dave jolts, a little. opens his eyes under his arms, too wide, but they can't be seen. ]

I don't -

[ no no no don't say it. dave swallows the words, an aborted admission or desperate request and he's not really sure which, because maybe for once dirk needs to abscond? probably he does. dave shouldn't have said anything to start with, and this is why he hadn't wanted to.

recalibrate. ]

Okay.

[splinten]

[Dirk stops. He turns around. He hit pause and he can think clearly on one thing, if given the space to think through that thing. Dave interrupted himself and moved although not much.]

The idea of the lonely apartment is that it would be filled if there was just one other person in there. It's too simple an idea, because presence isn't enough to mitigate loneliness. A person can be in a room with someone doing two separate things and that can be a kind of being together; that isn't what I'm talking about. What I mean is that if a person is in a room with someone who doesn't want to be in a room with them, then it's a higher magnitude of loneliness because the loneliness of absence is never as cutting as the loneliness of rejection. It's preferable in that case to find another room.

I went to leave because I interpreted your body language to mean you don't want to be in a room with me. If I'm wrong, I'll stay.

[parodeity]

You can stay if you want to. You should -

[ he cuts himself off again. you always force my hand. he stops talking again. when he picks back up, it's much quieter. ]

You can go if you want. [ it's still not definitive, still refusing responsibility for the decision. he feels sick to his stomach, still, when he continues. ]

But I don't want you to.

[splinten]

[It is nice to hear Dave doesn't want to. But it also doesn't feel right.]

You're suffering too.

[He looks at Dave.]

You were upset that Valentine's was on a Tuesday. You didn't want to tell me because you felt guilty and selfish.

[parodeity]

It wasn't "felt", it was - shit, sorry.

[ don't talk about it. dirk didn't say go, so he's not going to talk about it.

dave swallows. ]

I'm fine.

[splinten]

That's a lie. [He realizes at the 'sorry.'] Play. We don't have to lose a thing because we messed up with it once.

[parodeity]

Okay.

[ he doesn't want to, it's a lie, but dirk had to hit pause after just hearing it once and dave isn't interested in repeating himself. ]

I said I wanted to ask, not that I was askin'.

[splinten]

[Dirk isn't stupid. He can read between the lines.]

Shockingly, I remain not a complete idiot. I can handle that you really don't want to. I just didn't see it coming.

[He wants to talk about John but he's sure he can't until they talk about this. Should they even talk about it right now? He doesn't know. His head still isn't clear but it is more focused than before.]

[parodeity]

We can still hang out and do the same stuff when we're both free? I just. Don't want that kind of schedule.

[ dave doesn't want to rely on that kind of shit when it isn't something anyone should ever remotely rely upon or have feelings about. jesus christ if bro had ever deigned to have some kind of meetup dave wouldn't have given a fuck if he'd only showed up to one in seven hundred. normal people don't get upset about a tiny schedule conflict, do they? ]

I'd prefer it if we just play the scheduling thing loose.

[ says the kid who always asks at least two but frequently three or four times about the exact timing for any plans they make, like he's absolutely certain the next time he asks dirk will suddenly back out. ]

Nothing set in stone.

[splinten]

We both like having things set in stone.

[He shoves his hands into his pockets. Still not sitting or moving or lying down. Standing there awkward and unsure. Between. Liminal, he should use that in scrabble some time.]

I like setting you-things in stone. We can guarantee the schedule won't get fucked again simply by agreeing not to do things in the evening. It's the same as the original agreement, but this time consciously thinking about it instead of me trying to flip our schedule to a morning thing like an idiot.

[parodeity]

If you want.

[ unsaid: i don't. ]

I don't really like havin' shit set in stone, but if you want to, we can. [ or he desperately wants things to be but usually can't buy it, and absolutely hates it when there's a surprise he can't anticipate. it's easier to not have anything set in stone, and honestly dave doesn't plan to treat movie nights like they are even if dirk does from now on. it's safer not to and that way he won't be an asshole if something comes up again, since it won't even matter. ]

[splinten]

[He wants to ask why Dave is lying to him. The answer is always the same, though. He shouldn't be surprised.]

In other words, you don't trust me.

[parodeity]

I didn't say that. [ he's said it before, but not recently. ] That's not - there's always goin' to be shit that comes up. For anyone. There's no way anyone in the universe can guarantee always bein' at a specific place and time every iteration of that specific place and time all the way into eternity.

[ but yeah, he doesn't trust that something else won't end up taking precedence some tuesday in the future, bringing dave to a redux. he's not sure it matters if he just...doesn't think about them as absolutes. it's probably the best of both worlds: give dirk the movie nights, but treat them casually, so dirk doesn't get hurt and neither does dave when it eventually goes south. ]

We can if you want to. I shouldn't have said anythin' to start with.

[splinten]

Yes, you should have. I'd rather know than not know. Considering the alternative makes me physically ill.

[Sitting there while Dave pretends that this means the same thing that it did. Regularly scheduled brotherly deception. He could throw up.]

You'd say that I wouldn't know, and maybe you'd actually manage to get it past me. As you've commented in the past, I'm not as good at it as I think I am. That doesn't mean you lying to me once a week every week would be any less toxic to us.

[parodeity]

I think the way I felt the other day is probably more toxic. We'd only done it three times.

[ valentine's was only the fourth tuesday since they'd made it a thing, and dave's pretty sure as the time player he should have seen this coming. he's since gone through every potential conflict for the next few decades.

dave decides he will not tell dirk that part, because it sounds about as insanely neurotic as it actually is. ]

But I can handle it now if you still want to. [ which dirk literally just said they shouldn't do if it required lying, but simply refusing to expect anything isn't the same as outright lying. probably. ]

[splinten]

It isn't more toxic. [Lying is worse. Dirk is sure of it.]

Three times is a pattern. [It's a weird way to phrase it, but Dirk and Dave have mathematics in common. It's the basic rule. One is an instance. Two is a repetition. Three is a pattern. Three items in a series, three siblings in a story, three iterations in a joke.] That's long enough to make you get used to a thing. Valentine's is the punchline.

[Dirk doesn't move closer. The punchline: he wanted to have part of Valentine's with his brother because he loves him, and instead it wrecked that and movie nights at the same time.]

I really hate the Gods of Irony.

[parodeity]

Isn't that the same thing as sayin' you hate us?

[ gods. irony sprinkled in things they do and say. the shoe fits. ]

Not that I'd blame you there. Just sayin', though.

[ he'd ask dirk to sit down to move or something, but dave doesn't want to ask for anything else right now when his last halfway request is still the aftereffects of a nuclear bomb. ]

[splinten]

If we were the Gods of Irony, we'd have way better control over the stupidity that happens in our life.

[No one asks him anything so Dirk stays standing with his hands in his pockets and his expressions on his face, for anyone with Strider adeptness to read.]

The thing that's ironic is I wanted to spend Valentine's with you because I love you, and I really like allocating time to your exclusive company. Instead, I broke the time that I allocate to your exclusive company.

[parodeity]

Dirk, you literally did nothing wrong, full stop. It's just...me. Okay? I did the wrong thing and I can't...

[ dave nearly says he can't handle that, but he keeps saying he can so he shouldn't so obviously contradict himself, maybe. ]

You did everything right. I'm sorry I'm an asshole. [ he's sorry he didn't just keep it quiet, too, but dirk doesn't want to hear that part. dave uncovers his face and examines the bottom of the top bunk before flicking his gaze sideways to see exactly how much damage he did. ] We can still do the time allocation thing.

[ should have just gone with it in the first place, and this is why people like having brain to mouth filters, although dirk said he hadn't expected this so maybe dave had been hiding it better than he'd been worried he had until he fucked up and told the truth. ]