WEEK ONE: SUNDAY, POST GROUP MEETING

[parodeity]

[ well, after That Meeting was over, dave would have hooked a hand on dirk's arm, said "a'ight, come with me" and dragged him off to an area where they can maybe be alone and have enough room for...whatever...the hell he dragged dirk off for.

dirk gets a measured look before dave crosses his arms - dropping dirk's - and says: ]

Ground rules for comin' with me into dangerous shit: you guard the rear, I'm on point. Solid?

[ before dirk can answer, he adds: ]

You're less familiar with weapons that ain't the damn katana. I'm more familiar with 'em. So, point's me. [ he's tense and hesitant when he continues with: ] ...And you guard my back. [ he's usually more than a little wary about having dirk at his back, so this is. probably progress? ]

Comments

[parodeity]

Because people think math is borin' and hard and not...pretty and surprisin' and abstract in an artistic way sometimes. Like the middle child in a sitcom who gets ignored 'cause no one gets them but they have a shit ton of talent and personality if you look close.

[ his hand, caught between reaching out or not, falls to his side. ]

I don't know if I've ever told anyone that one. Rose is more into Fancy Bookology.

[splinten]

I like Fancy Bookology too, but yeah. The Butterfly lemma is one of the most elegant proofs. Do you like geometry or, like, arithmetic better?

[The wrist isn't drawn back.]

It's an open offer. Even if I'm not holdin' it out. I'll probably ask again, some time.

[parodeity]

...yeah. [ its noncommittal because it's one thing to rely on dirk for physical protection or to maybe keep his secrets (and dave is perpetually unsure as to how long that will last). but it is another thing entirely to rely on him for comfort, a thing he has never really been good at asking for from anyone and which he could get...

too used to. you can't just carve your heart out on a platter and shove it at someone to skewer again and again. or after half a childhood maybe you stop taking the risk. ]

I like both for different reasons. Geometry is more...relaxing and kind of artistic, which may not be the word I want. But arithmetic is a language class I don't mind takin'. I've always kind of wanted to get into like...harder shit.

[splinten]

Different theories, like field and Galois and that kind of thing, or?

[parodeity]

More or less. I only know what I taught myself. What I had time to teach myself. It would have been cool to learn...more. As a nebulous as hell statement. Be challenged in that arena for a change. It's probably why talkin' with Rose was always fun, besides the obvious. She just...expected me to keep up.

[splinten]

Do you want to learn from me? [It's another open offer. Olive branch or maybe Dirk's the one ripping his heart out and putting it in his hand to be taken. Again and again and again.] I'm not, like, an expert, but I know some things. We could go over the complex plane, or try other things.

[parodeity]

I... [ it's a weird thought, the idea of learning something from someone else that isn't...terrible. it's one thing to learn cooking from velvet. math from dirk is an entirely different arena. it's something he wants too much, and something that will hurt too much when it gets taken back. ] I...maybe? I mean I'm sure we're both too busy for much. I'm supposed to like spend Tuesday with Vi, and stuff. Plus there's like...all the stuff to figure out. But we can chat about it in some of our meetings?

[splinten]

You think of them as meetings.

[His voice sounds like it falls.]

Uh. Well. [He rubs his arm a little. Focus. Be honest and brave.

God he is not either of those things, but he'll try.]

To me they're time I get to spend with you. I should clarify that, I guess, they're not a matter of business or whatever, they're... me wanting to have time set aside for the two of us, that no one else can take.

[parodeity]

They're... [ dave swallows and looks away first. ] I can't...call them anythin' else. I don't...you're still gonna break me. It's just a matter of when.

[splinten]

[It hurts. And he can't say Dave is wrong. Destroying things: it's what the Prince does. Destroying who people are.

Maybe that's what happened, in another life. Maybe that slipped through despite everything. Or maybe that's just what he's like, when he goes unchecked in the world.]

I don't want to.

[Quiet, because it's true. But they're too far in this to stop it, and Dirk couldn't even if he wanted to. He tried, and he couldn't stand it.]

If you can tell me more about how I could do things wrong, I'll take care not to. I'm not going to retreat from this, but I'm more than wiling to learn and try to avoid hurting you going forward. Destroying you is entirely counter to what I actually want for our relationship, and for you.

[parodeity]

Wantin' to or not doesn't really change it.

[ he's still looking elsewhere, but he shifts, stance widening for better balance though it's not defensive so much as nerves; he doesn't like staying still for too long. ]

It ain't like I agreed to this thinkin' it would end anythin' but badly. You might not play his mind games, but you still mess with my head. Probably ain't your fault, probably it's more than halfway mine, but that's how it is. The other shoe's always gonna drop. Whenever I start to think maybe not, I see it comin' again.

[splinten]

[He doesn't ask Dave to stay still. He asks Dave to let him help.] I will work to keep that shoe airborne for the rest of eternity, once I learn what it is.I know I don't know you well enough to know what not to be careful of. Somehow, I don't know me well enough to know what I did and how to avoid hurtin' you with it, which is not exactly new, but still less than optimal. Wrecking you, though, isn't something I'm willing to just give and accept that I have to do. Hopeless or not, it's too much opposed to what matters to me, which is to say, you and having a relationship with you. And being a good—[Brother]—me, to you.

[parodeity]

It's not like you break my bones.

[ dave does not say he would prefer that to anything else, even if it is true. ]

And it's not like I'm not used to it. It's not really relevant until it happens. I've just gambled it'll happen...after at least I get some shit done.

[splinten]

Breaking the rest of you isn't on the agenda either.

[It's what he's for but he doesn't want it. He wants to protect Dave's heart. He would do almost anything for it.]

[parodeity]

You do that every other day. [ a shrug. ] As long as it's not so much I can't hold together it's fine.

[splinten]

It isn't fine to me. [He swallows.] I care about you further than you just holdin' it together.

[parodeity]

That's... [ may as well be honest, so dirk stops pressing: ] ...pretty much all I've been doin' my entire life, but especially the past year. It's not really super concerning.

[splinten]

[Nice try Dave.] It's concernin' to me. My priorities, believe it or not, actually include your well-being as a top issue. This isn't a concern exclusive to the physical, although I definitely would like you to stay alive.

[He doesn't want to argue with Dave; he doesn't want to stress him like that. He exhales, his shoulders sinking in the movement.]

Sometimes I'm pretty sure that I don't even know how to tell I hurt you.

[parodeity]

Most people aren't. [ and it's not like that's an accident; he's hard to read on purpose, when he wants to be. only sometimes dave isn't sure how on purpose it is or isn't; facial expressions were not bro's speciality and even if dave's more open sometimes he...closes off. his poker face isn't particularly illuminating. ] Even if you knew every instance, at least half of 'em you wouldn't be able to stop. You're just...bein' you.

[splinten]

That'd still be half fewer times I hurt you. Half fewer cracks matter to me.

[parodeity]

Leavin' the worst behind to shatter? Dude, it doesn't matter. You're just... [ he keeps saying it, but it seems to be the easiest description: ] Too much.

[ he doesn't mean it the way dirk probably immediately takes it. but. ]

[splinten]

[He does take it that way. But he steadies himself. He talks.] In what way?

[parodeity]

[ a shrug, and a long enough pause that it's uncertain he'll answer, before dave clarifies: ] Too much of what I wanted.

[ for thirteen or fourteen years, depending. ]

[splinten]

[He's quiet himself, after hearing it. He thinks about what he wanted, all those years. A hand to hold. Someone to stop him from drowning. Love, validation, someone who cared and wanted him and was there.

He doesn't think there's a one-to-one correlation on their desires. Dirk was alone and probably went a little crazy from it, but Dave was not alone. (Never alone. Abused is the word that whispers through Dirk's mind.)

Still, Dave keeps saying they're very much alike. So.]

You think you'll lose it. Right?

[parodeity]

I don't know that I even have it to lose.

[ because the abused part is and always has been true. it's been a week and change and he doesn't believe it. it took the better part of a year to stop not looking at bro, at what had happened. he still wouldn't call it what it was but he can at least acknowledge he'd hated it, he'd wanted anything else, and he isn't okay. to himself. not to other people. a week and nerves pulled thin and too many components to factor in is not enough to earn his shaky trust. he hasn't had three years to settle; he doesn't have rose to fall back on; he knows, always, the exact amount of his own worth.

it is not very high, except as a life to be given to other people. ]

You're foolin' yourself, a lot, but I...can't.