WEEK ONE: SUNDAY, POST GROUP MEETING

[parodeity]

[ well, after That Meeting was over, dave would have hooked a hand on dirk's arm, said "a'ight, come with me" and dragged him off to an area where they can maybe be alone and have enough room for...whatever...the hell he dragged dirk off for.

dirk gets a measured look before dave crosses his arms - dropping dirk's - and says: ]

Ground rules for comin' with me into dangerous shit: you guard the rear, I'm on point. Solid?

[ before dirk can answer, he adds: ]

You're less familiar with weapons that ain't the damn katana. I'm more familiar with 'em. So, point's me. [ he's tense and hesitant when he continues with: ] ...And you guard my back. [ he's usually more than a little wary about having dirk at his back, so this is. probably progress? ]

Comments

[splinten]

...Not totally sure I do know.

[parodeity]

I'm hurtin' people.

[ that is the main thing that makes him like bro. ]

[splinten]

[He's quiet, for a moment. Not rejecting it out of hand. Trying, in his way, to figure out how it's best to answer this.]

Yeah. You are. That's what I think will mean you break.

[parodeity]

I...don't think I can stop. [ or he can, but: ] You keep not lettin' me.

[splinten]

[Ah.]

Because I won't let you cut me out?

[parodeity]

I know how to hold people back. [ that's familiar, he can do that. ] I'm not so great at...this. Not with people who aren't the others, not genuine.

[splinten]

...Neither am I.

I'm okay with gettin' a little hurt tryin' to figure out somethin' that works for us. I have gotten the impression, on and off, that you don't want anything. Or rather, you want something between us, but you refuse to have it because you can't trust it. So you want nothing.

[parodeity]

[ that would be accurate??? ]

It'd be better for you in the long run if you had...whatever else you can have? Rather than... [ ... ] You mess me up, and it ain't your fault, but I can't...stop that.

[splinten]

I'm pretty sure you just pointed out that I don't do a great job connecting to people.

[That won't get him far. His choices are limited here. He'll never be able to find a reason to live in anyone but Dave and Jake and he knows it.]

I asked for too much from you way too fast. It isn't how I wanted to do it. I liked... like when we shared music. I had decided that we'd get to know each other, and every step would be built on the last.

That isn't how it panned out.

[parodeity]

That's not really your fault. And it's not...like that's entirely true. You're just...kind of playin' against a stacked deck. In the dark. Over lava?

[ he liked the music, too. he doesn't say so. ]

Which is why you should've chosen not to. And why I know it's gonna be too much, eventually, and you'll realize it. And I can't even stop myself seein' the signs, or from bein'...too much. I was supposed to have...more time. Two years didn't sound like enough but there was supposed to be more time.

[splinten]

I can handle lava, and darkness and shitty stacked decks.

[He closes his eyes.]

I'm sorry you didn't. I'm not sorry I took the offer, but I'm sorry I didn't ... Well, I'm sorry I'm not what I needed to be.

[parodeity]

How could you be, when not even I know what the fuck that is.

[splinten]

[He shrugs, his eyes opening again.]

You aren't hurtin' me on purpose either, Dave. You don't want to hurt me.

[parodeity]

Maybe not, but I can't...not. I am unwillin' to ask you for the shit that might make me trust you. And I can't treat you how you want.

[splinten]

I didn't want it all at once.

[Or he did, but he knows it's crazy and unfair to demand it, that the way he feels is always insane and it isn't right for anyone to ask that. He is sure no one will ever feel that way for him.]

I didn't mean to put you on the spot for all or nothin'. I want to trade music with you, and talk about math. I want to get to know you and let you get to know me. I want to make you apple pie. What I'm going for here, in this circumlocutory manner, is that I wanted to build somethin' with you, and never ask for more trust or anythin' than you hadn't already seen would be cherished.

[parodeity]

In any other situation, that'd be - [ nice? something he wanted? something he does want, but. ] - in any other situation, where things weren't...like they are. With all of this.

[ WIDE GESTURE, indicating murder and mayhem. ]

The thing is, it makes it hard to trust anyone without all or nothin'.

[splinten]

We're already all-in on the team thing. There isn't really any going back from that. I can't betray it, one because I won't, but two because it'd be incredibly stupid to do so. You can imagine that Jake isn't exactly a good liar; if he knew anything and you asked him you'd see it on his face. This agreement is the best shot I have at protecting you and Jake and the team, not to mention likely everyone else here worth protecting. There isn't anything to be done there.

[So.]

So why can't we work on buildin' a relationship?

[parodeity]

Because you're right. Because every day of my life I was last place to puppets and swords and the concept of irony, and because I can't trust you that it ain't the case here. I'm sorry.

[ he can't beat a puppet or a cherry bomb. he cannot believe he can have any traction over a person. ]

I can't stop it happenin' again and again, but I can make damn well sure I'm not holdin' on tight enough to shatter.

[splinten]

I'm not askin' you to trust me right now that it's the case. I'm asking for you to get to know me and let me know you. You don't have to go all-in on emotional trust here. I don't expect you to, it wouldn't be fair.

[parodeity]

...Fine. Whatever you want.

[ it's capitulation and not agreement, and dave doesn't look dirk in the face. ]

[splinten]

[He knows that.]

You know that isn't what I meant. [He's quiet and tired and he doesn't want to do this but he can't seem to stop.] I don't get it. You said you'd want that if it weren't this place. But doesn't the whole 'if you betray me you lose the best way you have to get what you want' deal cover the 'this place' part of it? I don't understand why we can't make it somethin' separate to work on our relationship. I understand why you don't trust me emotionally, why you can't believe I'd care for you this way and that you won't be treated as second-place to everythin' else. I respect that. But if you want it, why can't that be something we work on, when nothing else is at stake?

I'm trying, but I don't get it.

[parodeity]

Because I don't believe you won't, and I...maybe I'll break like this, but I'll break so much worse if I let myself care. [ more than he does. like he can stop it if he just builds up the walls again and again, like that works, but if dave keeps telling himself the lie maybe all the reminders of why it's a terrible idea will hurt just a little bit less. ] Every little reminder about why this is stupid will be a sword instead of a knife. And fine, I can handle that. If that's what you want, or what you need, okay.

[ it's a little hysterical in a calm voice but why not, really? dirk's right, why not just work on it, why not just hold out his hands and hold his tongue when they're cut clean off? it's no worse than any other pain he's ever catalogued, acknowledged, and walked straight into.

does it even matter at this point if it fucks him up? he can't not get fucked up, he may as well go for broke and let himself get wrecked. ]

Let's work on it, Bro, why the fuck not. [ hiding in his closet never worked to stop the onslaught anyway. ]

[splinten]

Because you just called me Bro.

[And Dirk can't do that.

Dirk won't.]

I'm sorry. I'll stop askin' this of you.

[parodeity]

You want me to call you my brother, don't you?

[ dave shakes his head. ]

...Let's call off the deal after tomorrow. You can move forward after that to work with whoever, and just...don't give away our shit. Clean slate. You can ignore everythin' I ever asked or didn't ask of you save that.

[splinten]

I don't want to stand in the place of someone who hurt you every day of your life, up to and including the present moment

[It sticks heavy in his gut and sinks down, deep to the bottom of the ocean floor. He recognizes what he has to do. He realizes what he has to give up on wanting. He twists his own arm until he makes himself accept it.]

I'd like to stay on your team. Aside from everything else, it's still the best chance I have of protecting you, and Jake and the rest of the team. I also want to break this damn game, and it's my best shot at that.