parodeity | WEEK ONE: SUNDAY, POST GROUP MEETING

How could you be, when not even I know what the fuck that is.

[He shrugs, his eyes opening again.]

You aren't hurtin' me on purpose either, Dave. You don't want to hurt me.

Maybe not, but I can't...not. I am unwillin' to ask you for the shit that might make me trust you. And I can't treat you how you want.

I didn't want it all at once.

[Or he did, but he knows it's crazy and unfair to demand it, that the way he feels is always insane and it isn't right for anyone to ask that. He is sure no one will ever feel that way for him.]

I didn't mean to put you on the spot for all or nothin'. I want to trade music with you, and talk about math. I want to get to know you and let you get to know me. I want to make you apple pie. What I'm going for here, in this circumlocutory manner, is that I wanted to build somethin' with you, and never ask for more trust or anythin' than you hadn't already seen would be cherished.

Edited 2017-06-01 17:59 (UTC)

In any other situation, that'd be - [ nice? something he wanted? something he does want, but. ] - in any other situation, where things weren't...like they are. With all of this.

[ WIDE GESTURE, indicating murder and mayhem. ]

The thing is, it makes it hard to trust anyone without all or nothin'.

We're already all-in on the team thing. There isn't really any going back from that. I can't betray it, one because I won't, but two because it'd be incredibly stupid to do so. You can imagine that Jake isn't exactly a good liar; if he knew anything and you asked him you'd see it on his face. This agreement is the best shot I have at protecting you and Jake and the team, not to mention likely everyone else here worth protecting. There isn't anything to be done there.

[So.]

So why can't we work on buildin' a relationship?

Because you're right. Because every day of my life I was last place to puppets and swords and the concept of irony, and because I can't trust you that it ain't the case here. I'm sorry.

[ he can't beat a puppet or a cherry bomb. he cannot believe he can have any traction over a person. ]

I can't stop it happenin' again and again, but I can make damn well sure I'm not holdin' on tight enough to shatter.

I'm not askin' you to trust me right now that it's the case. I'm asking for you to get to know me and let me know you. You don't have to go all-in on emotional trust here. I don't expect you to, it wouldn't be fair.

...Fine. Whatever you want.

[ it's capitulation and not agreement, and dave doesn't look dirk in the face. ]

[He knows that.]

You know that isn't what I meant. [He's quiet and tired and he doesn't want to do this but he can't seem to stop.] I don't get it. You said you'd want that if it weren't this place. But doesn't the whole 'if you betray me you lose the best way you have to get what you want' deal cover the 'this place' part of it? I don't understand why we can't make it somethin' separate to work on our relationship. I understand why you don't trust me emotionally, why you can't believe I'd care for you this way and that you won't be treated as second-place to everythin' else. I respect that. But if you want it, why can't that be something we work on, when nothing else is at stake?

I'm trying, but I don't get it.

Because I don't believe you won't, and I...maybe I'll break like this, but I'll break so much worse if I let myself care. [ more than he does. like he can stop it if he just builds up the walls again and again, like that works, but if dave keeps telling himself the lie maybe all the reminders of why it's a terrible idea will hurt just a little bit less. ] Every little reminder about why this is stupid will be a sword instead of a knife. And fine, I can handle that. If that's what you want, or what you need, okay.

[ it's a little hysterical in a calm voice but why not, really? dirk's right, why not just work on it, why not just hold out his hands and hold his tongue when they're cut clean off? it's no worse than any other pain he's ever catalogued, acknowledged, and walked straight into.

does it even matter at this point if it fucks him up? he can't not get fucked up, he may as well go for broke and let himself get wrecked. ]

Let's work on it, Bro, why the fuck not. [ hiding in his closet never worked to stop the onslaught anyway. ]

Because you just called me Bro.

[And Dirk can't do that.

Dirk won't.]

I'm sorry. I'll stop askin' this of you.

You want me to call you my brother, don't you?

[ dave shakes his head. ]

...Let's call off the deal after tomorrow. You can move forward after that to work with whoever, and just...don't give away our shit. Clean slate. You can ignore everythin' I ever asked or didn't ask of you save that.

I don't want to stand in the place of someone who hurt you every day of your life, up to and including the present moment

[It sticks heavy in his gut and sinks down, deep to the bottom of the ocean floor. He recognizes what he has to do. He realizes what he has to give up on wanting. He twists his own arm until he makes himself accept it.]

I'd like to stay on your team. Aside from everything else, it's still the best chance I have of protecting you, and Jake and the rest of the team. I also want to break this damn game, and it's my best shot at that.

I...do whatever you want. But if that's how it is, I'm not meetin' up with you outside that any more.

[ quiet and more vulnerable than he'd like and something did just break inside of him. dave pretends it didn't. that it isn't all of it too much, the things he wants and can't allow himself to have; the way it hurts every time he is reminded that even when this works it's fucked up and broken beyond recognition, and he is at fault; the way he needs desperately to trust anyone entirely and can't because of shit he can't control and can't fix; the way he can't even keep his promises because no one will rely on them when they're honest and dave doesn't think they should, anyway. ]

As soon as we're out or dead we can forget any of this ever happened. [ he shoves away his feelings and slams the door, and maybe it'll hold long enough to get him through the next few days, even if it's something like a death knell. ]

[Dirk is still and quiet and he tries to be good.

And then he steps forward and throws his arms around Dave and starts apologizing into his hair, sincere, pained,] I'm sorry, I'm so fuckin' sorry, I'm sorry, Dave—

[Because he hurt Dave and he hurt him again and he has spent all his life hurting Dave and he knows it, and Dave deserves better, Dave doesn't deserve this, Dave is vulnerable and tired and he breaks all the damn time and there's too much on him and it isn't fair or right and it isn't on him, it isn't on him at all. Dave's a good kid who was dealt a shit hand and he's better than this.]

I'm so goddamned sorry. You deserve so much goddamned better.

[ dave tenses and goes still but he doesn't pull away. he has no idea what to do - he keeps breaking things and dirk keeps blaming himself - and it always takes him too long to decide. he doesn't want to make even silent promises he can't keep when he's probably already fucked up the other ones, even if he meant them.

i'll tell you everything, to violet, to clem, but even so he hadn't said a word about some of the roles he knew.

your story for mine, but he'd only told violet the parts that didn't have to do with bro, even if he was thorough there.

i'll keep you safe, to emily, but he's had to share out her secret to the others and even now he's not sure it was the right choice.

if you fall i'll catch you, to dirk, but dave keeps shoving him off the cliff to avoid being the one to fall.

he needs to just let himself be the one to fall. he needs to just hold it together until they're out of this, and then he can look at whatever injuries he's given himself at the end and even if he's already in too many pieces to put back together...so what? the impulse to protect himself has lasted a week and maybe it was stupid to try to do it at all. he can't, he never could, and he isn't what matters here and never has been. just let go of the past year, of the tenuous steps towards trying not to let himself get beaten again and again, and take the punishment. don't let anyone know what it is.

dave shuts his eyes, takes a breath, and forces himself to relax. not all at once but slowly, as though he's getting used to the embrace. eventually, he returns it, slow and hesitant. ]

It's the other way around. [ and he allows his voice to waver and he thinks okay and he chooses to commit to a different kind of lie because the other ones were pointless and they don't matter. everyone else needs to keep it together, and so...

okay. ]

It was gettin' thrown off the roof, by the way.

[He believes it, but maybe he doesn't believe the rest of the lie. He believes it but he doesn't know what to do. He believes that Dave relaxes but he doesn't believe that Dave isn't hurting, that Dave isn't miserable, that Dave hasn't given up on protecting himself.

He believes the lie, but not far enough.]

...What?

[He draws back, staring at Dave in confusion.]

My earliest memory. That's what it was.

[ he lets his hands drop, then reaches up after a second to remove his shades - john's shades - with a care that isn't exaggerated. they're a defense, but he doesn't need them to guard himself if he has to give them away, clipping them to the front of his shirt and allowing himself to step off the ledge.

and there's no point to any guard except a cover for exactly how much he's going to fuck himself up, or how much anyone else is going to. no one will believe perfection, so the lie won't be that. dave doesn't bother to make his gaze steady, lets himself look at the ground instead, and he only halfway modulates his tone. ]

I learned quick how not to fall, so it worked.

Put your shades back on. [It's panicked and scared but careful. Dirk releases Dave, steps away from him.] Don't—don't. Don't do this.

[Dave says his first memory is Bro (Dirk) throwing him off the roof and Dirk thinks, I'm doing it now.] Please don't do this. Stay on the roof. I'll leave.

Please don't.

[ he casts around, distantly, for something else. ]

He taught me how to mix when I was a kid, too. He saved my life before I bit it before I even entered the game. [ he lets his left shoulder raise and fall, and dave looks up, and he's uncomfortable but he doesn't budge. he doesn't put his shades back on, but he doesn't let them go even though they're clipped to his shirt. ] He wasn't...what I wanted. Maybe not even what I needed. But it did keep me alive, and you should at least know that part, if you've finally realized I'm too fucked up to bother with.

[ there's a lever, dave thinks, and he slams it hard. ]

[He slams it hard and it works, grabs Dirk and twists him, but Dirk resists because the moment Dave took his shades off terrified him and the moment he talked about the roof Dirk set the scene somewhere hot and high up and dangerous.]

I'll always want to bother with you! [Loud, vehement. Scared.] I don't want to break you. [It's what Dave has been telling him this entire time, You'll destroy me, over and over, Dave has said it.]

You said I'd wreck you. You said it and you warned me and it's the last thing I wanted, but I am exactly the kind of selfish, narcissistic asshole who can trick himself into believing I'd help you instead of hurting you, that I'd be the one to catch you instead of the one who throws you off the roof. You warned me over and over that I'd destroy you, and what I've ended up doing is locking you back in the room I promised to try to get you out of. You don't deserve that. You deserve to get out.

[Quiet and pained and miserable because the lever worked but Dirk is still scared:] I don't want to give up on you. There's pretty much nothin' that'd make me give up on you, because I've done the cruelest thing imaginable and started to love you. Mixin' records doesn't make up for throwing you off a roof.

If you want me gone, I'll leave the team. If that's what you need to get out of the apartment, if it'll protect you, you won't have to deal with me again. I can handle me and Jake dyin', we'll be okay, and I'll... I'll ask the girls to make sure you get out alive. You don't deserve to break because I'm a clingy, selfish bastard. You deserve to live and be free of this.

[ there's two or three swords to the gut in that but dave can breathe through them so it's fine. this time, he doesn't let dirk know he scored so many hits, even if he does allow himself to wince. the best lie is half-truth and he can do this, he can, because nothing else has worked and he is unable to ask for or received anything he needs.

the next best option is making sure everyone else has what they need not to crumble. ]

I can't get out of my room on my own. [ it's a soft admission of truth said to the ground, and it's true but it's also so very, very true he will never allow anyone to help him. maybe he could have if things had gone just a little differently, maybe if there were someone he could trust to bring him out or if he could have trusted dirk, if dirk didn't keep saying exactly the wrong things or exactly the right ones in quick succession, again and again.

he looks up again. ] But if you want to leave, I do get it. It's why I keep givin' you the option.

I don't want to leave.

[Dirk sees the wince and the lie is half-true so it hits its mark, but Dirk doesn't hear, Don't tell me you love me and maybe Dave wouldn't say it but it's what he thinks he would say.]

You can't get out of your room if I destroy you.

[ "you already have" is kind of the opposite of the impression he wants to give here, even if it is actually fairly true by this point in the conversation. dave shifts, and his left hand still hangs onto his shades at his collar.

"there's never really been any chance of getting out, anyway." is equally unhelpful.

so is "why do you suddenly care about that now, rather than during the part where you burned me down?" ]

I understand if you choose to leave anyway. [ that's careful, guarded, but that's how he's spoken the entire time, mostly. drawing back and letting his shoulders hunch and he keeps giving dirk the out and maybe this time dirk will really, actually take it when the damage is mostly irreversible. it would be ironic, and bro always had a thing for irony. ] What I want's still the same it has been since I woke up here.

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