parodeity | WEEK ONE: SUNDAY, POST GROUP MEETING

WEEK ONE: SUNDAY, POST GROUP MEETING

[ well, after That Meeting was over, dave would have hooked a hand on dirk's arm, said "a'ight, come with me" and dragged him off to an area where they can maybe be alone and have enough room for...whatever...the hell he dragged dirk off for.

dirk gets a measured look before dave crosses his arms - dropping dirk's - and says: ]

Ground rules for comin' with me into dangerous shit: you guard the rear, I'm on point. Solid?

[ before dirk can answer, he adds: ]

You're less familiar with weapons that ain't the damn katana. I'm more familiar with 'em. So, point's me. [ he's tense and hesitant when he continues with: ] ...And you guard my back. [ he's usually more than a little wary about having dirk at his back, so this is. probably progress? ]

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[Ah.]

Because I won't let you cut me out?

I know how to hold people back. [ that's familiar, he can do that. ] I'm not so great at...this. Not with people who aren't the others, not genuine.

...Neither am I.

I'm okay with gettin' a little hurt tryin' to figure out somethin' that works for us. I have gotten the impression, on and off, that you don't want anything. Or rather, you want something between us, but you refuse to have it because you can't trust it. So you want nothing.

[ that would be accurate??? ]

It'd be better for you in the long run if you had...whatever else you can have? Rather than... [ ... ] You mess me up, and it ain't your fault, but I can't...stop that.

I'm pretty sure you just pointed out that I don't do a great job connecting to people.

[That won't get him far. His choices are limited here. He'll never be able to find a reason to live in anyone but Dave and Jake and he knows it.]

I asked for too much from you way too fast. It isn't how I wanted to do it. I liked... like when we shared music. I had decided that we'd get to know each other, and every step would be built on the last.

That isn't how it panned out.

That's not really your fault. And it's not...like that's entirely true. You're just...kind of playin' against a stacked deck. In the dark. Over lava?

[ he liked the music, too. he doesn't say so. ]

Which is why you should've chosen not to. And why I know it's gonna be too much, eventually, and you'll realize it. And I can't even stop myself seein' the signs, or from bein'...too much. I was supposed to have...more time. Two years didn't sound like enough but there was supposed to be more time.

I can handle lava, and darkness and shitty stacked decks.

[He closes his eyes.]

I'm sorry you didn't. I'm not sorry I took the offer, but I'm sorry I didn't ... Well, I'm sorry I'm not what I needed to be.

How could you be, when not even I know what the fuck that is.

[He shrugs, his eyes opening again.]

You aren't hurtin' me on purpose either, Dave. You don't want to hurt me.

Maybe not, but I can't...not. I am unwillin' to ask you for the shit that might make me trust you. And I can't treat you how you want.

I didn't want it all at once.

[Or he did, but he knows it's crazy and unfair to demand it, that the way he feels is always insane and it isn't right for anyone to ask that. He is sure no one will ever feel that way for him.]

I didn't mean to put you on the spot for all or nothin'. I want to trade music with you, and talk about math. I want to get to know you and let you get to know me. I want to make you apple pie. What I'm going for here, in this circumlocutory manner, is that I wanted to build somethin' with you, and never ask for more trust or anythin' than you hadn't already seen would be cherished.

Edited 2017-06-01 17:59 (UTC)

In any other situation, that'd be - [ nice? something he wanted? something he does want, but. ] - in any other situation, where things weren't...like they are. With all of this.

[ WIDE GESTURE, indicating murder and mayhem. ]

The thing is, it makes it hard to trust anyone without all or nothin'.

We're already all-in on the team thing. There isn't really any going back from that. I can't betray it, one because I won't, but two because it'd be incredibly stupid to do so. You can imagine that Jake isn't exactly a good liar; if he knew anything and you asked him you'd see it on his face. This agreement is the best shot I have at protecting you and Jake and the team, not to mention likely everyone else here worth protecting. There isn't anything to be done there.

[So.]

So why can't we work on buildin' a relationship?

Because you're right. Because every day of my life I was last place to puppets and swords and the concept of irony, and because I can't trust you that it ain't the case here. I'm sorry.

[ he can't beat a puppet or a cherry bomb. he cannot believe he can have any traction over a person. ]

I can't stop it happenin' again and again, but I can make damn well sure I'm not holdin' on tight enough to shatter.

I'm not askin' you to trust me right now that it's the case. I'm asking for you to get to know me and let me know you. You don't have to go all-in on emotional trust here. I don't expect you to, it wouldn't be fair.

...Fine. Whatever you want.

[ it's capitulation and not agreement, and dave doesn't look dirk in the face. ]

[He knows that.]

You know that isn't what I meant. [He's quiet and tired and he doesn't want to do this but he can't seem to stop.] I don't get it. You said you'd want that if it weren't this place. But doesn't the whole 'if you betray me you lose the best way you have to get what you want' deal cover the 'this place' part of it? I don't understand why we can't make it somethin' separate to work on our relationship. I understand why you don't trust me emotionally, why you can't believe I'd care for you this way and that you won't be treated as second-place to everythin' else. I respect that. But if you want it, why can't that be something we work on, when nothing else is at stake?

I'm trying, but I don't get it.

Because I don't believe you won't, and I...maybe I'll break like this, but I'll break so much worse if I let myself care. [ more than he does. like he can stop it if he just builds up the walls again and again, like that works, but if dave keeps telling himself the lie maybe all the reminders of why it's a terrible idea will hurt just a little bit less. ] Every little reminder about why this is stupid will be a sword instead of a knife. And fine, I can handle that. If that's what you want, or what you need, okay.

[ it's a little hysterical in a calm voice but why not, really? dirk's right, why not just work on it, why not just hold out his hands and hold his tongue when they're cut clean off? it's no worse than any other pain he's ever catalogued, acknowledged, and walked straight into.

does it even matter at this point if it fucks him up? he can't not get fucked up, he may as well go for broke and let himself get wrecked. ]

Let's work on it, Bro, why the fuck not. [ hiding in his closet never worked to stop the onslaught anyway. ]

Because you just called me Bro.

[And Dirk can't do that.

Dirk won't.]

I'm sorry. I'll stop askin' this of you.

You want me to call you my brother, don't you?

[ dave shakes his head. ]

...Let's call off the deal after tomorrow. You can move forward after that to work with whoever, and just...don't give away our shit. Clean slate. You can ignore everythin' I ever asked or didn't ask of you save that.

I don't want to stand in the place of someone who hurt you every day of your life, up to and including the present moment

[It sticks heavy in his gut and sinks down, deep to the bottom of the ocean floor. He recognizes what he has to do. He realizes what he has to give up on wanting. He twists his own arm until he makes himself accept it.]

I'd like to stay on your team. Aside from everything else, it's still the best chance I have of protecting you, and Jake and the rest of the team. I also want to break this damn game, and it's my best shot at that.

I...do whatever you want. But if that's how it is, I'm not meetin' up with you outside that any more.

[ quiet and more vulnerable than he'd like and something did just break inside of him. dave pretends it didn't. that it isn't all of it too much, the things he wants and can't allow himself to have; the way it hurts every time he is reminded that even when this works it's fucked up and broken beyond recognition, and he is at fault; the way he needs desperately to trust anyone entirely and can't because of shit he can't control and can't fix; the way he can't even keep his promises because no one will rely on them when they're honest and dave doesn't think they should, anyway. ]

As soon as we're out or dead we can forget any of this ever happened. [ he shoves away his feelings and slams the door, and maybe it'll hold long enough to get him through the next few days, even if it's something like a death knell. ]

[Dirk is still and quiet and he tries to be good.

And then he steps forward and throws his arms around Dave and starts apologizing into his hair, sincere, pained,] I'm sorry, I'm so fuckin' sorry, I'm sorry, Dave—

[Because he hurt Dave and he hurt him again and he has spent all his life hurting Dave and he knows it, and Dave deserves better, Dave doesn't deserve this, Dave is vulnerable and tired and he breaks all the damn time and there's too much on him and it isn't fair or right and it isn't on him, it isn't on him at all. Dave's a good kid who was dealt a shit hand and he's better than this.]

I'm so goddamned sorry. You deserve so much goddamned better.

[ dave tenses and goes still but he doesn't pull away. he has no idea what to do - he keeps breaking things and dirk keeps blaming himself - and it always takes him too long to decide. he doesn't want to make even silent promises he can't keep when he's probably already fucked up the other ones, even if he meant them.

i'll tell you everything, to violet, to clem, but even so he hadn't said a word about some of the roles he knew.

your story for mine, but he'd only told violet the parts that didn't have to do with bro, even if he was thorough there.

i'll keep you safe, to emily, but he's had to share out her secret to the others and even now he's not sure it was the right choice.

if you fall i'll catch you, to dirk, but dave keeps shoving him off the cliff to avoid being the one to fall.

he needs to just let himself be the one to fall. he needs to just hold it together until they're out of this, and then he can look at whatever injuries he's given himself at the end and even if he's already in too many pieces to put back together...so what? the impulse to protect himself has lasted a week and maybe it was stupid to try to do it at all. he can't, he never could, and he isn't what matters here and never has been. just let go of the past year, of the tenuous steps towards trying not to let himself get beaten again and again, and take the punishment. don't let anyone know what it is.

dave shuts his eyes, takes a breath, and forces himself to relax. not all at once but slowly, as though he's getting used to the embrace. eventually, he returns it, slow and hesitant. ]

It's the other way around. [ and he allows his voice to waver and he thinks okay and he chooses to commit to a different kind of lie because the other ones were pointless and they don't matter. everyone else needs to keep it together, and so...

okay. ]

It was gettin' thrown off the roof, by the way.

[He believes it, but maybe he doesn't believe the rest of the lie. He believes it but he doesn't know what to do. He believes that Dave relaxes but he doesn't believe that Dave isn't hurting, that Dave isn't miserable, that Dave hasn't given up on protecting himself.

He believes the lie, but not far enough.]

...What?

[He draws back, staring at Dave in confusion.]

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