parodeity | WEEK ONE: SUNDAY, POST GROUP MEETING

[Nice try Dave.] It's concernin' to me. My priorities, believe it or not, actually include your well-being as a top issue. This isn't a concern exclusive to the physical, although I definitely would like you to stay alive.

[He doesn't want to argue with Dave; he doesn't want to stress him like that. He exhales, his shoulders sinking in the movement.]

Sometimes I'm pretty sure that I don't even know how to tell I hurt you.

Most people aren't. [ and it's not like that's an accident; he's hard to read on purpose, when he wants to be. only sometimes dave isn't sure how on purpose it is or isn't; facial expressions were not bro's speciality and even if dave's more open sometimes he...closes off. his poker face isn't particularly illuminating. ] Even if you knew every instance, at least half of 'em you wouldn't be able to stop. You're just...bein' you.

That'd still be half fewer times I hurt you. Half fewer cracks matter to me.

Leavin' the worst behind to shatter? Dude, it doesn't matter. You're just... [ he keeps saying it, but it seems to be the easiest description: ] Too much.

[ he doesn't mean it the way dirk probably immediately takes it. but. ]

[He does take it that way. But he steadies himself. He talks.] In what way?

[ a shrug, and a long enough pause that it's uncertain he'll answer, before dave clarifies: ] Too much of what I wanted.

[ for thirteen or fourteen years, depending. ]

[He's quiet himself, after hearing it. He thinks about what he wanted, all those years. A hand to hold. Someone to stop him from drowning. Love, validation, someone who cared and wanted him and was there.

He doesn't think there's a one-to-one correlation on their desires. Dirk was alone and probably went a little crazy from it, but Dave was not alone. (Never alone. Abused is the word that whispers through Dirk's mind.)

Still, Dave keeps saying they're very much alike. So.]

You think you'll lose it. Right?

I don't know that I even have it to lose.

[ because the abused part is and always has been true. it's been a week and change and he doesn't believe it. it took the better part of a year to stop not looking at bro, at what had happened. he still wouldn't call it what it was but he can at least acknowledge he'd hated it, he'd wanted anything else, and he isn't okay. to himself. not to other people. a week and nerves pulled thin and too many components to factor in is not enough to earn his shaky trust. he hasn't had three years to settle; he doesn't have rose to fall back on; he knows, always, the exact amount of his own worth.

it is not very high, except as a life to be given to other people. ]

You're foolin' yourself, a lot, but I...can't.

What do you think I'm foolin' myself about?

[He can guess the answers but maybe it's better if he doesn't guess when he can ask. Maybe he needs to ask, to seek ways that give him concrete answers. Maybe if he hates his mistakes that much he should try to change them.

Or maybe he's a lost cause and it doesn't matter anyway. But then he might as well die, and he promised not to.]

This. About how much you want this, or care, and about how much you're really...about how much I can trust you. You're gonna figure that out sooner or later and maybe you'll feel bad but that won't make it much better.

[ when it breaks, he means. when it's dave left alone realizing that he was always alone. ]

[Dirk believes it but doesn't quite believe it. Because he and Jake have had an argument, lately. And it came down to a simple thing: you can't believe how I feel because you don't think you deserve it.

He wouldn't be surprised, if Dave is the same way.]

I'm not foolin' myself that you deserve someone devoted who cares.

You're not it for me. [ simple and quiet. ] Please just...stop. You're too much that I wanted [ want ] but you're just not...able to give me that, okay? I couldn't convince you not to do this and I'm not gonna let myself get used to it before you change your damn mind. I'm perfectly aware of how it's gonna end and I get that you're not thinkin' far enough ahead to but it ain't you on the chopping block, so please stop. If anyone's devoted to me it's Rose, and she isn't here. You keep sayin' you are but you're just...keyed up.

How do you figure it's going to end?

The obvious way. You break the deal. I've known even since I said "fine" I couldn't really trust you.

So if I don't ever break the deal, you'll believe me?

You can't not break it. You're always a half step away. I don't even really know if you're keepin' to it now, though I'll buy you haven't sold me out so far. Look, it's not like I'm sayin' we can't get along till then but you want to be Rose and you're more...Kaito.

[What the fuck.]

I ain't Kaito. And I am keepin' it now. How the hell would I've broken it and yet sold you out at the same time?

You may not have sold me out on shit I can do, but information? There's no way to verify you're actually tellin' me everything or not tellin' other people shit. And there's no way to keep that goin' if last week happens again. [ dave gestures ] Kaito's nice and I like him but I don't trust him, either.

What do you mean about last week? [He's drawn together.] I haven't told anyone anything.

With Jason. [ a little more agitated. ] I told you back then it was just 'cause you were scared.

[ or he thought it, and figured it was the truth. ]

It's a lot more than that. It ain't adrenaline and terror drivin' me now.

[He's scared, sure, but not that way. He breathes, and flips up his wrist.] Pulse is still steady, whether or not you choose to check it.

No, but like I implied back then - that's why you agreed and that's why I can't trust you. Or one of the reasons. Fuck, this isn't even what we came here for.

[ and he has to curl his fingers in on his palms tight to keep from reaching out. ]

I asked you to guard my back. That's as far as I can go.

I agreed because I care about you.

[Dave doesn't reach out, but Dirk doesn't pull the offer away.]

Okay.

Still don't know me, dude. Even less at that time. You care about the idea of me, not the...me of me.

[ okay he could have like

Worded that less stupid... ]

It isn't the idea of you. I know you aren't my Bro, Dave. You are an intelligent, carin' dude who values his life too little and the lives of others a lot. You're guarded and distrustin' but you've got a weak spot for kids, especially kids who've been through difficult things. You struggle with how bad you think you are while tryin' to be good, and you hate yourself for being capable of hurtin' other people. You're hilarious and creative in really unique ways and you make me laugh more than anyone ever has.

After not even a week of knowing me, you said that you are pretty sure you could love me if you let yourself. Why wouldn't it be the same for me about you?

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