WEEK ONE: SUNDAY, POST GROUP MEETING

[parodeity]

[ well, after That Meeting was over, dave would have hooked a hand on dirk's arm, said "a'ight, come with me" and dragged him off to an area where they can maybe be alone and have enough room for...whatever...the hell he dragged dirk off for.

dirk gets a measured look before dave crosses his arms - dropping dirk's - and says: ]

Ground rules for comin' with me into dangerous shit: you guard the rear, I'm on point. Solid?

[ before dirk can answer, he adds: ]

You're less familiar with weapons that ain't the damn katana. I'm more familiar with 'em. So, point's me. [ he's tense and hesitant when he continues with: ] ...And you guard my back. [ he's usually more than a little wary about having dirk at his back, so this is. probably progress? ]

Comments

[parodeity]

[ a shrug, and a long enough pause that it's uncertain he'll answer, before dave clarifies: ] Too much of what I wanted.

[ for thirteen or fourteen years, depending. ]

[splinten]

[He's quiet himself, after hearing it. He thinks about what he wanted, all those years. A hand to hold. Someone to stop him from drowning. Love, validation, someone who cared and wanted him and was there.

He doesn't think there's a one-to-one correlation on their desires. Dirk was alone and probably went a little crazy from it, but Dave was not alone. (Never alone. Abused is the word that whispers through Dirk's mind.)

Still, Dave keeps saying they're very much alike. So.]

You think you'll lose it. Right?

[parodeity]

I don't know that I even have it to lose.

[ because the abused part is and always has been true. it's been a week and change and he doesn't believe it. it took the better part of a year to stop not looking at bro, at what had happened. he still wouldn't call it what it was but he can at least acknowledge he'd hated it, he'd wanted anything else, and he isn't okay. to himself. not to other people. a week and nerves pulled thin and too many components to factor in is not enough to earn his shaky trust. he hasn't had three years to settle; he doesn't have rose to fall back on; he knows, always, the exact amount of his own worth.

it is not very high, except as a life to be given to other people. ]

You're foolin' yourself, a lot, but I...can't.

[splinten]

What do you think I'm foolin' myself about?

[He can guess the answers but maybe it's better if he doesn't guess when he can ask. Maybe he needs to ask, to seek ways that give him concrete answers. Maybe if he hates his mistakes that much he should try to change them.

Or maybe he's a lost cause and it doesn't matter anyway. But then he might as well die, and he promised not to.]

[parodeity]

This. About how much you want this, or care, and about how much you're really...about how much I can trust you. You're gonna figure that out sooner or later and maybe you'll feel bad but that won't make it much better.

[ when it breaks, he means. when it's dave left alone realizing that he was always alone. ]

[splinten]

[Dirk believes it but doesn't quite believe it. Because he and Jake have had an argument, lately. And it came down to a simple thing: you can't believe how I feel because you don't think you deserve it.

He wouldn't be surprised, if Dave is the same way.]

I'm not foolin' myself that you deserve someone devoted who cares.

[parodeity]

You're not it for me. [ simple and quiet. ] Please just...stop. You're too much that I wanted [ want ] but you're just not...able to give me that, okay? I couldn't convince you not to do this and I'm not gonna let myself get used to it before you change your damn mind. I'm perfectly aware of how it's gonna end and I get that you're not thinkin' far enough ahead to but it ain't you on the chopping block, so please stop. If anyone's devoted to me it's Rose, and she isn't here. You keep sayin' you are but you're just...keyed up.

[splinten]

How do you figure it's going to end?

[parodeity]

The obvious way. You break the deal. I've known even since I said "fine" I couldn't really trust you.

[splinten]

So if I don't ever break the deal, you'll believe me?

[parodeity]

You can't not break it. You're always a half step away. I don't even really know if you're keepin' to it now, though I'll buy you haven't sold me out so far. Look, it's not like I'm sayin' we can't get along till then but you want to be Rose and you're more...Kaito.

[splinten]

[What the fuck.]

I ain't Kaito. And I am keepin' it now. How the hell would I've broken it and yet sold you out at the same time?

[parodeity]

You may not have sold me out on shit I can do, but information? There's no way to verify you're actually tellin' me everything or not tellin' other people shit. And there's no way to keep that goin' if last week happens again. [ dave gestures ] Kaito's nice and I like him but I don't trust him, either.

[splinten]

What do you mean about last week? [He's drawn together.] I haven't told anyone anything.

[parodeity]

With Jason. [ a little more agitated. ] I told you back then it was just 'cause you were scared.

[ or he thought it, and figured it was the truth. ]

[splinten]

It's a lot more than that. It ain't adrenaline and terror drivin' me now.

[He's scared, sure, but not that way. He breathes, and flips up his wrist.] Pulse is still steady, whether or not you choose to check it.

[parodeity]

No, but like I implied back then - that's why you agreed and that's why I can't trust you. Or one of the reasons. Fuck, this isn't even what we came here for.

[ and he has to curl his fingers in on his palms tight to keep from reaching out. ]

I asked you to guard my back. That's as far as I can go.

[splinten]

I agreed because I care about you.

[Dave doesn't reach out, but Dirk doesn't pull the offer away.]

Okay.

[parodeity]

Still don't know me, dude. Even less at that time. You care about the idea of me, not the...me of me.

[ okay he could have like

Worded that less stupid... ]

[splinten]

It isn't the idea of you. I know you aren't my Bro, Dave. You are an intelligent, carin' dude who values his life too little and the lives of others a lot. You're guarded and distrustin' but you've got a weak spot for kids, especially kids who've been through difficult things. You struggle with how bad you think you are while tryin' to be good, and you hate yourself for being capable of hurtin' other people. You're hilarious and creative in really unique ways and you make me laugh more than anyone ever has.

After not even a week of knowing me, you said that you are pretty sure you could love me if you let yourself. Why wouldn't it be the same for me about you?

[parodeity]

[ "because I'm me" doesn't seem like an answer dirk will accept. ]

You're not hard to make laugh. [ it'd taken dentures, the second time they'd ever talked. ]

[splinten]

You only think that because you are uniquely designed to hit all my humour buttons. I am super not prone to laughing out loud otherwise. 'Lol' is barely in my vocabulary, and not merely because I eschew the acronyms that you've got a hilarious habit of saying out loud.

[parodeity]

Ok, fuck you, lots of people do that?

[ literally two people do that. dave and roxy must be stopped. ]

[splinten]

The only other person who does that is Roxy.

[parodeity]

That isn't how genetics work.

[ ok cool lets drag this argument off topic ALSO he actually does feel like

mildly strong irritation on the new subject

homestuck genetics are dumb ]