parodeity | WEEK ONE: SUNDAY, POST GROUP MEETING

Why do you...oh. [ yeah that made him uncomfortable but that's - ] You in conjunction with sex makes me uncomfortable fullstop.

[ it just makes him think of the fucking smuppets and porn sites and the webcams he got caught up in sometimes, the puppet vids he was an unwilling participant in. dave can joke about sex and the like but the actual reality is kind of too much and he prefers to think of dirk's orientation not at all so far. ]

Not...genders.

[There's a brief pause as he processes this and turns it over and

oh fuck]

Sorry. Uh.

Fuck what he did. I don't know all the details or if there was anything he ever did to make up for it, but it isn't stuff you put a child through.

So. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I won't... bring that sort of thing up again. I didn't plan on it anyway for—the other reason. But I won't now for this one.

Yeah.

You didn't bring it up. And you can't stop whatever you're already doin'.

[ right. details. dave hates those, but after doing a review of what he just said based off what dirk just said, he makes himself at least clarify just in case: ]

He didn't touch me like that or anything.

[ just like constant attacks with sex puppets and the enforced puppet snuff porn video participation and constant onslaught of...all that. dave does not clarify his statement any further than that though. ]

Yeah okay good. God. [There's a rush while he says it because he hadn't actually thought that and he winced at the very thought.]

I don't know what the point of this was. That you make me laugh more than anyone, I think.

I don't know who that'd be for me. Maybe Egbert? Rose makes me smile moreso.

In my universe, John was a comedian. To all reports, he was a really stand-up dude, and hilarious in that kinda charmin' cornball sort of way. Top of the line prankster. Jane takes after him in that respect.

He's the best guy I know. Kind of a dumbass and way too genuine. He doesn't do fronts and he doesn't lie or fake shit about how he feels or what he thinks. Unless he's pullin' shit, but like.

[ he trails off. ]

I don't know why I'm telling you this.

I asked you.

[So, that's part of it, probably.]

It might be better if I stopped answerin' though.

[Dirk doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to approach it. He's sixteen and a mess and somewhere else he was thirty-something and a monster. Maybe he's a monster too, because he won't let Dave alone. Maybe he should.]

Please don't. You're too much what I wanted too, and more than that. I can't throw that away.

I can't promise you, though. I can't promise I'll...feel like that about you ever. I can't promise I'll stop...stoppin' myself, whenever I'm reminded how close this is to topplin'.

[ and like. ]

And that's stupid unfair.

I know you can't promise that.

[It hurts and it's sad and he wants so badly to have Dave as a brother, to have his love and his trust and to feel close, to be family with him. But he knows.]

Whether or not it's fair, it isn't on you. If I'm too much what you want and too capable of destroyin' you, then that's because of your Bro. [Because of Dirk, in another life.] It's okay that you feel that way, and that you can't promise it. It'd be unfair of me to demand you throw away thirteen years and change of that experience.

Then why? Why are you still...I know you won't whenever you freak about things goin' down, but right now, why are you still here?

I tried to let you shut me out. It wasn't something I could accept or handle, and not because of Jason's death. All that did was made immediate what my multi-day depressive fugue had already proven.

Like I said, you're too much, too.

But that can happen in reverse. [ or like... ] I just...I have tried to save you the trouble, too.

I know. I sort of figure you were tryin' to protect me, too.

You don't actually deserve...me? A mess. I know I kinda win the like, fucked up disappointment award. You don't deserve that.

I'm pretty sure we have opposite perspectives on why I don't deserve you. From my point of view, I'm the fucked up disappointment and you deserve somethin' better. You're more than I could ever deserve, and I'm just the kind of selfish asshole that wants you anyway.

You're not a disappointment. You're just...you.

[A little wryly] I could say the same thing, and you'd probably have the same answer. As far as I'm concerned, I'm subpar at best, and you're the definition of Exceeds Expectations.

I don't get you. [ super wryly ] I've spent a week bein' a pain in your ass and failin' to believe anything you say.

First of all, you've spent a week giving me the time of day when you have every reason not to. That includes givin' me, a version of the guy who trapped you in your apartment, the comfort and offer to help me out of the place I got stuck. As far as your treatment of me goes, it's all been better than I deserve and more than I'm owed.

In general, though, you're just... a good person. Like, all around a great dude, the kind I'd want to know no matter what. I'm not denyin' that you have flaws, and things are pretty obviously messed up between us. That doesn't change that the person you've shown yourself to be is someone I consider worthy of my admiration and respect. I just... like you, Dave. I like who you are.

[ it's kind of like being punched, a rush of air and a physical flip of the stomach and he still thinks why, still can't understand how he got bro or how bro happened or how...dirk exists. he still can't understand the words even if he's craved them his entire life. ]

My first instinct is to ask you to list my flaws.

[ like. for the record? ]

I...liked your music. [ his second instinct isn't any less stupid. ]

Thanks. I liked yours a lot.

[Dave's second instinct is stupid, yes, as is his first, but Dirk saw that his words were like a gut punch and he has sympathy for that.]

Would it help for me to try to talk about your flaws? Admittedly if you asked for a list I'd probably blank out, but I can try to talk about them if it'd help you believe in the rest of what I said.

I don't know? Sure.

[ this will go well or poorly let's find out which

dave is very familiar with his flaws so ]

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