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[They are both definitely making a lot of messed up sense lately, he'll agree. When Dave manages to look up, Dirk meets his eyes.]

First, does that cover what you wanted to say? Why, what would help, and how you feel about that. I don't know if there are any further parts to this yet.

...Mostly.

[ he lets out a breath. ]

I also wanted to say no because I've been tryin' to cut back on - needin' you on. Grounds we have been over which you have. Addressed. [ i.e. losing that support and having to readjust at some point ] Which...

[ ... ]

I think that's valid in regards to...the other thing. [ living together, he means. dirk may not agree. but. ] But...

[ he has no idea where he's going with this, actually. ]

It is just kind of extremely fucked up to admit that sometimes you botherin' me about shit has functioned as permission to do any of it.

Yeah, it's definitely fucked up, but it's where we are.

[He is thinking about it. Turning it over in his head. Because in this case is it really about controlling or is it more about coddling or is it actually just supporting? Dirk doesn't know. He has such a hard time working out these limits.]

Do you... you don't accept that you're my brother, specifically mine, any more than you did last time we talked about this. [The statement is neutral, but then there's a slight turn of the head with a frown. It's a question.]

I...believe what you said. And I guess I never said at the time that while I don't think I have the same...claim to you that other people do, I do want you to be my brother. But I don't know if I agree that I'm a positive influence in your life or anything.

[ or: the same reason he broke up with karkat. dirk is a lot harder to break up with since dirk basically told him no repeatedly. ]

Specifically? My issues are almost assuredly causin' you more trouble than they're worth with more people than they're worth. Did you talk to anyone about the whole movin' thing? I somehow doubt you found anyone who didn't take it at least a little badly, or a lot. I think it would help you out more if I didn't ask you for anythin', in general. I also think that it would kind of be better to just not bug anyone until I got a handle on shit, honestly.

[ or a better handle on faking it. either or. ]

Eventually you're goin' to figure that out.

We'll get to the moving thing in a second. [Because it's related but it isn't as much of a priority.] Would it help to talk through the ways I see you having had a positive influence on my life? And maybe if we talked about what shit you need to get a handle on, since I don't know if we agree on that is.

Not really. I mean - I know there have to be some upsides. They just...let's leave that aside.

[ it's not too important and he figures eventually dirk will agree with him anyway? dave starts ticking things off on his fingers. ]

Make myself tell y'all shit regardless of wantin' to. Figure out a way to trick myself into eatin' and sleepin', I guess. Get used to bein' on the base. [ by which he means: in spite of not feeling comfortable or safe there, put up with it. ] Get used to you flashsteppin' again. Slot in time for everyone's friendship and relationship hours so no one feels ignored. Stop bringin' up my bullshit with people.

The first one and the last one contradict.

[Like there are lots of things he could say but that one is pretty big.]

Not if done right they don't. I already told you I don't want to tell you anythin' else that's selfish. I'll give you all everythin' that won't cause a federal fuckin' issue and thank you to like, accept that as enough, I guess?

[ this is not a new concept he is bringing up, but it is one he's getting more stubborn about as things go more wrong. ]

Look at it this way: if I'd just not let you know I cared about bein' able to tell you specifically shit and just forced myself to adapt in the first place, we could have cut out half of our problems. If I'd just made myself stay on the base and not let on about...safety or comfort, that'd cut out the other half. There is literally no upside to me lettin' on to this shit, ever. There are even further examples of that? Like, shit I told - Vantas. It's not like I wouldn't be happy just dealin', Dirk. It's what I have always done, and tryin' somethin' new like occasionally actually admittin' to shit has clearly...not been a superb idea?

[well all of that is dumb but Dirk does understand it. he folds up his legs.]

Can I explain why I think you have that backwards, or is that not going to be a thing you're willing to talk to me about right now?

You...can, it's just that literally every piece of evidence so far would back me up here.

[ HE IS JUST SAYING. if he never said a word so many problems would be Solved and he'd actually be fine with it ]

I'm not disagreeing that the way you've handled problems lately has been less than perfect. My argument is that rather than refusing to express or admit to the problems, you need to work on how you handle them.

[Dirk's doing his reasonable thing, but it's also very sincere. He starts closest to home.]

The telling me specifically thing, you have a problem with that kind of thing related to various things that make sense with your history and personality. I get that now, and I'm happy to work with you on it. The problem wasn't that you had a problem, it was your reaction, which was to immediately shut me out, cut yourself off, and not even talk about it with me. I had to drag you out to a volcano to get an explanation as to why, or to learn that you didn't trust me in no small part because of how I brought it up to you.

That's pretty bad problem-solving. Same goes for the separate living thing. Part of what you did, in terms of claiming a safe space for yourself, was a pretty reasonable response, in my opinion. The part where you cut yourself off from others and didn't open up to them was unhelpful to you or us.

Does that make sense? It isn't the fact that you have a problem. Rather, what you do that's harmful, for yourself and for the rest of us, is solving your problems by cutting and running. It hurts us because we want you in our lives and you won't let us be there, and it hurts you because it perpetuates your habit of self-destruction. Everyone loses.

Edited 2017-01-06 23:49 (UTC)

If you tell me what you think I should do, I'll do it. I don't know what will make everyone happiest at this point? I can go back to the base, it's not like I haven't lived with people I don't trust before, it was kind of dumb to come to expect that.

[ it isn't like he's sleeping at the tower any longer anyway, so it was a moot point in the end. it does have the benefit of feeling safer despite the lack of sleep, but he's willing to sacrifice that if it means everyone else just...stops. ]

I didn't want to tell you about the problem with trust because that was selfish, too. Expecting any level of secrecy out of you that you couldn't give. I meant it when I said I'd work on just...givin' you whatever there.

[ ... ]

I can't promise to open up about this kind of thing with people, though, I - most people don't have the context. I told Jade? But I can't just tell everyone, Dirk. I - if that's the only way to make everyone happy, I'd try, but I don't -

[ he barely has managed to tell four people in the space of seventeen years. ]

[Dirk's a little surprised at the end of it, not by the rest but that last part.]

You told Jade? [He's... actually pretty happy about this.]

Just the basic outline. I don't want to talk about that right now.

[ dave rubs the back of his neck. ]

Look, just - I can make myself not run, and I can make myself tell you things. Just...you make it harder when you want me to be happy with those things or find them easy, or to not force myself. I can't do those parts. You never let it go when I try. If you...let it go, I can do better. It'd hurt people less. I can handle things the right way as long as you just...don't worry about the details?

[Dirk's voice softens.] That isn't the right way either. You take too much of an all-or-nothing approach, Dave.

Maybe it runs in the family. [Hinata may or may not have called Dirk out on being too extreme with his loyalty to people, earlier today.] The thing is... look. Let's start with the Bro thing. As far as I'm concerned, you telling everyone about that wouldn't be helpful. It might explain some things to a few people, maybe, but it's more of you sacrificing yourself for something, and it isn't required. What I'm talking about is...

[He frowns. Tries to work it out, a better way.] You can't handle contact right now. You gave me the reason why, and I appreciate it, but that wouldn't be an obligation to other people. Like say someone you love wanted to hug you, and you told them you couldn't deal with it. That'd be all you'd have to tell them. "Sorry, but right now that's not something I can handle for personal reasons. It stresses me out." That's setting down a boundary for your comfort by sharing with them you have a problem, and it's showing them that you respect and trust them enough to be honest about your needs and desires. So far, pretty good.

Then we talked about the situation. We worked out the goal here, which is for you to be able to hug me again without being stressed out. It's a good goal, because it doesn't sacrifice one of us for the other. It's reaching towards something that works for both of us.

After that, we figured out how to approach fixing that. Going through it slowly, at a pace that works for you. We also accepted that these conditions with the asshole aliens aren't ideal, so it should probably be postponed. But we made a quasi-plan for how we'd reach the situation we're going for, and we kept communication open for what was required there. So now we're in a position to work on it until we get what we want.

[He looks back at Dave.] That's all... doable, isn't it? You have a problem, you tell the relevant people what the problem is without the backstory, just that it's there. You talk about what you both want and you try to figure out how to do it over time, instead of just jumping from zero to a hundred.

Does that sound stupid?

Sure. I mean, no, it doesn't. We can do all of that.

[ dave's gaze flicks from dirk to the ocean, and for a moment it doesn't seem like he'll elaborate. ]

That'll help you, right?

Dave. [He could cry, or scream.] You totally missed the point of everything I just said.

No, I didn't. I...get why that makes sense, okay? I can do all that stuff. Can you just let me do it? Please.

[ he flops back onto the sand and crosses his arms over his eyes. ]

Jesus. Dirk, I'm goin' to be happiest as long as everyone else is. Okay? And we know my feelings are pretty much illogical as fuck, so can we just...ignore them. Please.

[ there is at least a solid chance dirk won't end up hating him if he can minimize the damage by just never causing it ever again. ]

My goal is to just...my goal is for you to never have to break for me ever again. Okay? Or anyone else. So, let me bend.

They're still killing you.

[The stupid aliens. Dirk pulls something out of his sylladex: a coat. He takes out his katana too, and shoves it into the sand. With a little work, Dave now has an umbrella against sunlight.]

Them being illogical doesn't make them invalid. Do you... why do you think the first part is me wanting you to tell people, even me, to step off when you need it?

Then why can't I tell you to step off about knowin' the shit I don't want to share?

[ he pauses, tenses, sighs. ]

I didn't mean it like that. But your plan's a good one and literally no one would disagree there. So let me follow it. Dirk, I love you, you know that, right? I don't want to cause you and everyone else pain, so just. Let me do the thing that'll cause less. The like. Normal person thing. I'm willing.

[It makes him flinch, so the apology may not have been a bad idea. He looks down.]

I guess I'm hesitating because... maybe it isn't a good plan for you. Not yet. Maybe I'm not listening to the things you need.

I... [His legs curl in. He's frowning, pretty hard for him.] The thing is that there's a difference between you doing what you need to to get better, and you doing what you think you have to. It's the difference between setting a broken bone so that it heals right, and fighting on a broken bone because you refuse to let anyone else step in for the battle. What I'm worried about is you fighting on your broken bones and making them more damaged, and not setting them and wrapping them properly and resting them. Or even setting them wrong and breaking them worse later.

What did you think about the eating thing?

[ it's a non-sequitur but he's not sure how he feels about what dirk just said, so he's stalling. also, that was what they'd supposedly planned to chat about. ]

[It does come out of left field, but Dirk is used to Dave dodging away before coming back to something. So he does answer, thinking it through.]

I was thinking that we should try to do it. I want to help you, but not so much that you can't take care of yourself either. So we could work together on it. Start with me nagging you about eating for a set number of meals, dragging you out or whatever. Then, when you feel ready to try for it, we could have it so you ask me to meals instead. We'll be relying on you to keep both of us fed. After that, we could have me check in on you to see if you've eaten meals we don't have together, so we're relying on you to take care of yourself but you still have me around to make sure you're doing okay, and to implicitly give you that permission. Then... maybe after a few months, you might not need it. But in times like this, when you have reasons to go back to how you were, I go back to checking in on you in case.

[Another pause. A frown.]

I don't know if that sounds idiotic because everything we do is idiotic, or if it's idiotic because it's a dumbass idea. I

Edited 2017-01-07 01:00 (UTC)

I would say we could ask Rose what she thinks, but I don't particularly fancy hearin' her talk about, like, what it says about me that I actually need permission to feel like I should be eatin' somethin', because I can picture most of it and I don't think I want to...hear it.

[ it was stupid enough admitting it, and he hadn't really wanted to do that. his arms are still crossed over his eyes, but he's relying on the tonal cues and sensing dirk whenever he moves to try to read his brother. ]

Talk to me about your problems right now?

[It's not a weird question, although the timing does catch him. He glances at Dave for a moment. After a while, he breathes out and just. Lays down in the sand, why not.]

Hinata called me out for being willing to tear myself up for the sake of people I love, so that was a slap to the hypocrisy. Roxy's trying to recover from her relapse. Jake blames himself for everything that goes wrong no matter how hard I try to convince him otherwise. I'm pretty sure that I'm the only thing keeping him from cutting and running, which is simultaneously a relief and a point of guilt. The aliens are unsettling me, and I hate myself whenever I take a break from working on that unless it's to do something for you guys. I'm feeling pretty helpless in the face of all of it and people keep telling me that it isn't my responsibility, which I know, and knowing that and feeling like crap anyway makes me angrier at myself.

There's probably more but that's what's on the mind.

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