parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 2.0;

[ that was. not where dave expected this unfair confession to go, and he freezes, trying to analyze if he's doing that right now. sort of? does the list thing count as all of those? he can try to act like he doesn't think dirk will hurt him, but does that fall under maneuvering if so? it's true he expects to get hurt. he usually does. he's waiting for the next time he needs something dirk can't give and he hopes next time he won't let on what happened, but does that fall under seeing dirk as an enemy as well? ]

Do you not wanna do the list thing?

[ his voice sounds stupid but dave honestly can't think of another question because he's not sure how to give dirk a reassurance he'll believe or how to ask about the topic at all. ]

Does this...count as me doing that.

No! No, this isn't that. This is working things out.

[Now he feels bad. Now he feels like he hurt Dave in a different way.]

This is why it isn't fair. It's when we were in the alien base and you started trying to set up the pieces so you could stop me from forcing you to let me move into the tower.

It isn't fair because that's on me. I can't ask you not to feel attacked by me when I'm the one who's making you feel attacked. Whether or not I mean to do it, it's a thing I need to work on for you, and not a thing you need to not do to me. So it's on my list for myself. I think I can do better at it now that I understand more about our situations.

I wasn't respondin' to you like the enemy, I was respondin' to me like the enemy. At that time.

[ IN...HIS OWN MIND...sure dave dirk completely would have seen it that way you do you ]

You weren't the enemy in that situation, I was the one tryin' to storm the goddamned castle gates. You were defending.

[ok now dirk has decided he IS the enemy?

this is stupid and they haven't even gotten to dirk's supposed trigger]

Oh my god. My wantin' to move in together at all was the enemy, Dirk, the rest of it was to stop you doin' somethin' stupid without thinkin' it through.

[ because doing the stupid thing dave wanted which wasn't fair automatically would be stupid? by dave's standards and he thinks most other people's. ]

You asked to move in like immediately. And I know your actual worth rather than what you value yourself at, so - obviously people would fuckin' miss you bein' around the base. Rose might find it reassurin', and you say Jake wouldn't care and I'll take you at your word there, but what about Mom? Or everyone else? I don't want you to do somethin' that's goin' to hurt a bunch of other people because that would hurt you so in this situation I was the enemy for bringin' it up when I knew you'd agree to come with. Or I thought I did. It's why I never asked.

Edited 2017-01-08 06:51 (UTC)

[Some things make sense now, and he has a lot of problems with it, but also]

We did not need me not figuring out the trigger you claim I have to confirm that we're idiots. The data abounds beyond scientific belief.

Dude, you definitely have a fuckin' trigger. Was that it on your no list?

[ also, said without any particular ire: ]

And fuck you, you're the bigger idiot in this particular situation. I'm, like, the lesser idiot who dresses nicer.

I am literally in a suit right now.

[so screw you. dirk tries to think about it but]

I think. For working on things, I'd like to work on figuring out how to express my feelings to you more consistently and coherently. [Also, just. More.]

Ok. How do you want me to help with that part?

[ they have discussed how dirk is helping with, like, the parts that are on dave's work-on-it-list.

well. they didn't discuss the flashstepping business but they. can do that later. when warpers cease to exist. ]

Also you are but it doesn't count 'till you do it on the regular.

Edited 2017-01-08 07:00 (UTC)

[Right. That thing. That is a thing. He does think this over and he does have a thought but it's really dumb]

I don't know if you've noticed, but it occasionally slips my mind that I haven't adequately expressed my feelings on the subject, or the entire fact that I do have feelings on the matter doesn't seem particularly relevant to me. It might help if you called me out on that.

If that's not bad?

Uh. I do ask you about it sometimes.

[ and then DROPS IT IMMEDIATELY if he doesn't get anything back. ]

Did you want me to like. Ask you...more than once? When it comes up? Or to remind you about the list, or.

It's occurred to me that sometimes I miss when you're asking it.

[Because he's an idiot.]

Do you think you could? If I seem to miss it. Remind me about the list.

Yeah. [ if dirk wants him to, it's easy enough to agree. and might be easier than...asking once, dropping it, then springing it on dirk again days or weeks or months later.

like an idiot. ]

Yeah, I can do that. Is there anything else for the work-on-it subclause?

Not immediately. Is it... okay for me to tell you if I think of something?

[he's. genuinely unsure if he's allowed to add things later]

Yes? [ they are so bad at this ] That's. Like, the point. Right? I think. I mean, you wanted to do the communication thing, so, we have to...like...talk to one another about shit. Presumably. I'm just, like, hazardin' a guess on that one. We could also try just forgettin' it and never speakin' of it ever again, but somehow even I can see that would be a terrible idea.

[ but it sounds so fun. ]

Anyway. The thing that should be in your no column was originally a subclause agreement, I guess, once upon a time. I don't think it covers what you need in full to not get set off.

Right.

[That makes sense. And they should do that. And not do the other thing.]

Although as far as communication goes, you are putting Rose to shame here on obscurity. Some context, and possibly some specific nouns, would not be unappreciated.

We agreed back then I'd tell you when I fucked off, and I've agreed since not to do that without someone else along for the ride.

[ despite the fact sometimes he would like to ditch the world for a solo roadtrip, he won't. he kind of expects everyone else to try to keep to the buddy system too as a result now though, because he gets the reasoning behind people not wanting him out on his own alone. ]

That's not enough, or doesn't cover all the situations in which I've fucked up and made you think you're a halfstep away from being alone forever. The trigger I was referrin' to was isolation. Childhood developmental fear. Right?

Edited 2017-01-08 07:19 (UTC)

[Oh.]

The whole point of this trip was me trying to tell you what I meant by isolation as an issue. My argument against it as a trigger is that it isn't like a broad concept is sufficient as a descriptor for something to avoid. Besides which, it isn't as if I was traumatized by isolation in my youth.

[Or.

Dirk frowns.]

Isolation isn't the same thing as puppets.

Ok, that's a true point, but also? It's a fuckin' dumb one.

[ that is definitely the best way to put this. ]

If we start comparin' and contrastin' our issues we'll be here all day and you haven't even commented on the oranges? [ THAT HE MADE BRIGHT BLUE. in this little grove dirk dreamed up. ] It's not the same thing, but it is a thing that makes you feel...

[ he searches for the words. ]

Small and stupid and weak and useless. Right? If we have to compare anythin', we can at least probably agree that it feels to you as terrible as some of my shit feels to me. Just in a different way. And I wasn't suggestin' we avoid "isolation" as a broad descriptor. We can narrow it down, genius.

Edited 2017-01-08 07:29 (UTC)

[Small and stupid and weak and useless. He can't argue with that. He can't, really, argue with any of it. He doesn't know if he wants to? He should argue with it. He shouldn't put his problems on Dave.

Or he should. Not put them on Dave, but talk to him. Not... do the things he keeps asking Dave not to do.

Dirk breathes in. Slowly, he breathes out.]

Things like that. [Unlovable, unacceptable, unworthy.] I thought the oranges thing was your contribution to this place. [Dirk makes a grove. Dave makes an absurdity. It seems legit.]

You are probably right that this is a thing we should think about handling.

Yeah, but you didn't even compliment them.

[ the oranges. HE WILL APPARENTLY BE HOLDING ONTO THIS, until he is suitably distracted. ]

Okay, so. Like with all the problems you've broken down for me when we've gone over them. We... [ shit he's usually useless at this part dirk generally comes up with the "how do we address this issue in a reasonable manner" plans. dave flounders for a second, before choosing: ] Um. Is just tellin' you I'm goin' somewhere with someone enough? For trips.

[ may as well start where there's already precedence in place. ]

Edited 2017-01-08 07:45 (UTC)

[Congratulations, Dave. You now have the steering wheel. Enjoy.]

Yes.

[pause]

Most of the time.

[Shit.]

You know the thing you said about telling you if something about our relationship has to change. I'd also like to request that you tell me when something in our relationship has to change.

Like if you decide I don't get to come with you on trips anymore. Just... tellin' me would help, by indicating you still care enough to let me know where I stand.

[ he hates being in charge and can't drive why would anyone give him this power!!! ]

Do you even still want to? I'm...not comfortable with takin' you right now because of the whole. [ telling other people things obligation when he's agreed to tell things to basically rose all the time and dirk most of the time but hasn't afforded that right to anyone else. ] Thing. So I figured it would be better to...not put you in the position of havin' to deal with that?

[ that sounds stupid. but he figures he can't possibly drop below the "so, anyway, possibly i need you to encourage me to eat as a bro stand in" bar so he may as well say it. ]

Edited 2017-01-08 07:58 (UTC)

Kinda. [That's a complicated issue. He goes on slow, considered. Trying to work the right words out.] It's more like that used to be a thing we did, and now it isn't. I respect that that's part of your comfort, and it might hurt but it's something I can work with and work on.

[then it tumbles out:]

It's just that you casually tossed out that Rose would be going with you on a trip that was supposed to be for us and it felt like being replaced.

[nailed it]

By kinda you mean you at least halfway or more don't want to.

[ that would, of course, be the part he focused on, but he thinks about the rest.

it. didn't just feel like it. that was definitely replacing dirk with rose immediately. ]

I didn't want to tell you that you couldn't tell Jake shit. Which you can do? I just. If we want to do the old stuff, you'll have to accept - the whole thing you do not want to accept, at this point. So it's in limbo.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject