parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 2.0;

I didn't say it wasn't rational? [ there hadn't been an accusation coming. ] I agreed to it. I'll...let you know if somethin' comes up. The times I don't are because of a lot of things, but - what do you want me to do when talking about it might make you resent me or me resent you?

[ just. so he has that down for future reference. ]

I was just tryin' to explain what I was thinkin' at the time. That was...stupid, you don't need to know any of that. It wasn't even everythin'. I don't trust you and you don't trust me, really, do you?

Edited 2017-01-08 09:06 (UTC)

Knowing what you were thinking helps. I want to get into the practical question, but if we're exhausting ourselves on feelings, I might as well talk about the trust thing.

[Dave says he doesn't trust him and the reverse is true, and it's awful, but it's a funny thing because he says it, so tiring and so stupid.]

It might be we trust each other something like oppositeways. I trust you with everything about me, Dave. I get scared sometimes, but I guess we're pinning my abandonment fear on childhood developmental problems now. I pretty much trust you with all of me, and I know you'd never do anything to hurt me in any way, if you had the information you needed and could help it. I took your hand when we met the Kharaa. [Do you trust me? No hesitation, he'd totally fallen for it, even knowing what he was doing. He doesn't think he's capable of doing otherwise with how hard he trusts Dave.] If there's anything I don't tell you, it's from an assumption you don't want me to.

For the reverse, I know you don't tell me everything or even tell me that you're holding something back. I know that if I kept a count on how many times you lied by word or commission in this conversation, I'd be under the real number. I also know that you don't particularly care for your own well-being. If being aware of those things, and trying to respond to them, is not trusting you, then yes, although that isn't how I think about it.

For the rest, though, my trust is more or less absolute. The times when I hesitate or mess up aren't so much because I distrust you, as they are that I don't trust I deserve you.

What practical question?

[ it's easier to ask that then to figure out how he feels about the rest of it immediately. ]

The Kharaa thing was a different brand of trust. [ is the second thing to come out. he's bad at this. ] I...can trust you with my life. That's what that was.'

[ he trails off for a second, considering it, before settling on: ]

I don't know what to say about the rest of it. [ isn't sure what he thinks and doesn't know what might help. can't explain himself one way or the other or pinpoint why it is he doesn't think dirk trusts him. or maybe those things have to do with what dirk explained? it's not something he can immediately apply. it's something to keep in mind, at least. ]

What to do when there's a risk of resentment.

[That's practical, specifically a question of praxis. A thing to work on.]

We can talk about the rest when you're ready.

[ not what he expected dirk to mean by "practical question". dave's shoulders slump and he decides standing up is awkward and opts to sit down cross-legged. at least it's more comfortable. ]

A'ight, what's your game plan there?

[Dirk frowns though.]

Was that a dumb thing?

[He doesn't know.]

No, it's fine. It's a thing we should talk about?

[ cross-legged shifts into leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped. ]

[He waits another moment, and then sits across from Dave.]

Maybe it'd help if we talked about what could make us resent each other. I...

[This sounds stupid. Man, it sounds stupid. He should just own his stupidity.]

I can't imagine a single thing you could do to make me resent you.

[ the moment gets nothing further body-language out of dave; whatever made him decide to sit down seems to have been shoved out of the way for the time being. he does frown after dirk talks, though. ]

I can imagine lots of things that could make you resent me? [ like. loads. so many. LOTS. ]

[He is frowning because he is thinking about this and trying to understand it.]

Considering everything, it isn't that surprising that you can. I can think of tons of things that would make you resent me. Not all of mine might be wrong, but there are probably more I can think of than would actually work on the grounds that I assume eventually you will realize that I'm as worthless as I know I am.

[LIKE. Maybe there are things that could make Dirk resent Dave? Maybe. But he bets that there are so many fewer than Dave things.]

The only time I was worried about it was the example given. I mean, me resenting you.

[ he shrugs. ]

It probably wouldn't have stuck, anyway. I just...didn't want to have someone tell me why my feelings weren't rational and didn't matter. Which you haven't ever - which you usually haven't done. But one person already talked me out of feeling...human, I guess, last month when that happened. And I didn't want to hear it from you. I didn't want to let you make me feel like not a person, too.

[ ... ]

It sounds stupid. But whatever dumb ideas you have, they probably aren't applicable to the actual thing ever occurring.

[It hurts, though not like Dave is attacking him. It hurts because Dave was made to feel inhuman. He wants to text Rose and Roxy. Are you sure killing Komaeda isn't off the table?]

Your feelings more or less mean the world to me.

[So, there's that.]

[ he goes to say "i know", decides he doesn't actually know that still, and decides not to lie to dirk's face for the time being. instead the grass underneath him fades to sand and he starts drawing absent patterns with his left forefinger. ]

So no unilateral decisions. [ he drops the resentment issue to go back to the one he's managed to semi stick to throughout: the list thing. ] You asked me not to make them, I asked you to...tell me if you made them. Can we...swap mine to match yours, I guess?

Yes please.

[He wants that. He wants that a lot. Dirk is still sitting in grass because he appreciates it, because there's something soothing in ground and life. God, he misses Jane.]

Okay, so. You won't make them either.

[ dave sounds too uncertain about that mostly because it's one thing for dirk to ask him not to and another thing for him to ask dirk not to.

or it's the same thing and neither of them is sure it's okay to ask. either or.

his sand patterns are mostly interlocking geometric shapes, carefully measured. ]

What else do you want on your list? That's no unilaterals in no and tryin' to share more on work on it.

[ the patterns kind of help. ]

Yeah, I won't.

[At least if something happens they can talk to each other about it. At least they can decide to come into it as a discussion.]

I... don't know. [This is weirdly difficult. It isn't puppets.] What times do you think you set off my isolation thing?

Whenever I've tried to walk away.

[ a circle in the middle of a square, surrounded by interlocking triangles. he starts making different parts of the design different colored sands. ]

[Oh.

Yeah.]

I said I don't want to trap you. Putting a ban on you leaving me would be really fucked up.

[Because Dirk deserves it.

...That's probably a bad thing he should share. He clears his throat, rephrases the stupidity of it.]

It came out in my head dumber than I'm saying it, but it's important that you're able to leave me. It... might be the best thing for you. [ugh he needs to try to hate himself less OKAY add something] In some cases.

I wasn't suggestin' a ban. But.

[ red and blue interlocking triangles, yellow circle. he starts doing squares in green. ]

Maybe a different methodology?

[At least Dave is making art while Dirk sits here awkwardly.]

Like... what kind of thing?

[ it is helping him not to bolt, okay. ]

I... [ don't want to talk about it???? dave has to spend about three minutes adding more detail to his design, frowning, before he continues. ] It's usually related to the other thing. Cuttin' and runnin' before I hurt you or you hurt me worse than we are at the time.

[Dirk can sit through the three minutes in silence. Dave has to know by now why Dirk has such tolerance for that. He waits and watches the design happen as Dave thinks.]

Right. That thing.

[The thing where Dirk is worthless enough to be left behind.]

When you told me I wasn't bein' rational about the reaper thing and it felt like I was thirteen again, or durin' the Cal thing when I didn't want you to resent me about it and didn't want you to hurt yourself over me, the thing I said earlier about not wantin' to - have the reaper discussion again, I guess - or back at the monolith where I didn't want you to choose me and have everythin' fall to pieces after when you realized it'd make other people unhappy.

[ he divides the circle up into four slices, cut through with blue lines. ]

The times I tried to run away. I...

[He knows he shouldn't apologize again about all of it but he wants to. He wants so much to stop hurting Dave.]

The times when I made mistakes, not understanding what you were hurt about or scared of. I can... try to be better about those things. Work out ways to approach things, like the tower thing, where I won't hurt you by not thinking things through.

You can, but. My suggestion was gonna be -

[ why is he so bad at this shit. dave isn't even sure if his ideas make sense.

polka dots of red are now being added to his mess of colors and shapes. ]

If it gets to the point where I want to go away, would it be...okay if I went off for like a day or whatever and we picked it up again later? I'll...you'll have to tell me when I'm makin' those decisions without you, probably. But if I am, if I'm not...calm enough to discuss them would givin' a time frame help?

[ he's tried to abscond for forever, and he still expects dirk to figure out he's not worth it and abscond first if dave doesn't succeed, but -

how hard had he ever really tried to run from bro? it's a question dave doesn't really want to look into. ]

Can you. Is it all right to run away a little instead of all the way, sometimes?

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