parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 2.0;

[ he goes to say "i know", decides he doesn't actually know that still, and decides not to lie to dirk's face for the time being. instead the grass underneath him fades to sand and he starts drawing absent patterns with his left forefinger. ]

So no unilateral decisions. [ he drops the resentment issue to go back to the one he's managed to semi stick to throughout: the list thing. ] You asked me not to make them, I asked you to...tell me if you made them. Can we...swap mine to match yours, I guess?

Yes please.

[He wants that. He wants that a lot. Dirk is still sitting in grass because he appreciates it, because there's something soothing in ground and life. God, he misses Jane.]

Okay, so. You won't make them either.

[ dave sounds too uncertain about that mostly because it's one thing for dirk to ask him not to and another thing for him to ask dirk not to.

or it's the same thing and neither of them is sure it's okay to ask. either or.

his sand patterns are mostly interlocking geometric shapes, carefully measured. ]

What else do you want on your list? That's no unilaterals in no and tryin' to share more on work on it.

[ the patterns kind of help. ]

Yeah, I won't.

[At least if something happens they can talk to each other about it. At least they can decide to come into it as a discussion.]

I... don't know. [This is weirdly difficult. It isn't puppets.] What times do you think you set off my isolation thing?

Whenever I've tried to walk away.

[ a circle in the middle of a square, surrounded by interlocking triangles. he starts making different parts of the design different colored sands. ]

[Oh.

Yeah.]

I said I don't want to trap you. Putting a ban on you leaving me would be really fucked up.

[Because Dirk deserves it.

...That's probably a bad thing he should share. He clears his throat, rephrases the stupidity of it.]

It came out in my head dumber than I'm saying it, but it's important that you're able to leave me. It... might be the best thing for you. [ugh he needs to try to hate himself less OKAY add something] In some cases.

I wasn't suggestin' a ban. But.

[ red and blue interlocking triangles, yellow circle. he starts doing squares in green. ]

Maybe a different methodology?

[At least Dave is making art while Dirk sits here awkwardly.]

Like... what kind of thing?

[ it is helping him not to bolt, okay. ]

I... [ don't want to talk about it???? dave has to spend about three minutes adding more detail to his design, frowning, before he continues. ] It's usually related to the other thing. Cuttin' and runnin' before I hurt you or you hurt me worse than we are at the time.

[Dirk can sit through the three minutes in silence. Dave has to know by now why Dirk has such tolerance for that. He waits and watches the design happen as Dave thinks.]

Right. That thing.

[The thing where Dirk is worthless enough to be left behind.]

When you told me I wasn't bein' rational about the reaper thing and it felt like I was thirteen again, or durin' the Cal thing when I didn't want you to resent me about it and didn't want you to hurt yourself over me, the thing I said earlier about not wantin' to - have the reaper discussion again, I guess - or back at the monolith where I didn't want you to choose me and have everythin' fall to pieces after when you realized it'd make other people unhappy.

[ he divides the circle up into four slices, cut through with blue lines. ]

The times I tried to run away. I...

[He knows he shouldn't apologize again about all of it but he wants to. He wants so much to stop hurting Dave.]

The times when I made mistakes, not understanding what you were hurt about or scared of. I can... try to be better about those things. Work out ways to approach things, like the tower thing, where I won't hurt you by not thinking things through.

You can, but. My suggestion was gonna be -

[ why is he so bad at this shit. dave isn't even sure if his ideas make sense.

polka dots of red are now being added to his mess of colors and shapes. ]

If it gets to the point where I want to go away, would it be...okay if I went off for like a day or whatever and we picked it up again later? I'll...you'll have to tell me when I'm makin' those decisions without you, probably. But if I am, if I'm not...calm enough to discuss them would givin' a time frame help?

[ he's tried to abscond for forever, and he still expects dirk to figure out he's not worth it and abscond first if dave doesn't succeed, but -

how hard had he ever really tried to run from bro? it's a question dave doesn't really want to look into. ]

Can you. Is it all right to run away a little instead of all the way, sometimes?

[Oh. That isn't bad at all. Dirk exhales.]

That's very okay. If there's something you can't talk about or don't know how to put into words, either, you can just tell me you can't do that right now, but you'll resume it when you're ready. As long as I know that you'll come back, it isn't... [The quiet apocalyptic ocean speaks itself to them, before it fades back out for the groves. Which. Dirk turned the oranges back orange and then also made the apples orange. Anyway.]

Just as long as I know. Please?

[ dave's eyes flick up from the sand. ]

Okay. It's on the list. Is there...anythin' else?

[ a heartbeat, and then the oranges are neon pink. ]

Or. Wait. You said you need me to remind you about sharin' things.

[Ok fine now the apples are purple. Since they're apparently Lalonde-theming now.]

Yes. If that's okay, to ask that of you.

Yeah. But you need to point out when I'm...doin' the shit you asked me not to.

[ re: unilateral decisions. ]

It never feels like I'm takin' away your choice when it's happening.

[Oh. That makes sense. Dirk... gives a nod.]

I can do that if you want me to? If that isn't bad.

I...might not recognize it if you don't.

[ this is stupider than the food thing. fuck. ]

I know you don't want to revisit some of the past ones, but I guess...let me know if you do, or whatever. Um. Was there anything else for your list, or is that it?

I can't think of any right now. But you said we could add to it if something occurred to us?

[They are both stupider than the food thing.]

Sure.

[ dave's gaze drops back to the sand. ]

So I...guess that's it?

Unless there's something else.

[Dirk can't tell. A pause.]

And worrying about you, especially your well-being, isn't on the list. Yes?

[dirk he literally cleared that for part of one of the things they need to work on]

[ a pause. ]

There's nothin' else.

[ SO MOVING STRAIGHT ALONG as he finally sort of erases his designs. ]

That's only ever been weird as fuck, it hasn't been...emotionally traumatizin'.

I can accept being weird as fuck.

[yes, just look at his bedroom]

There you go, then.

[ dave draws his hands back into his lap. ]

I don't have anythin' else we can talk about.

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