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[parodeity]

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[splinten]

[It makes him flinch, so the apology may not have been a bad idea. He looks down.]

I guess I'm hesitating because... maybe it isn't a good plan for you. Not yet. Maybe I'm not listening to the things you need.

I... [His legs curl in. He's frowning, pretty hard for him.] The thing is that there's a difference between you doing what you need to to get better, and you doing what you think you have to. It's the difference between setting a broken bone so that it heals right, and fighting on a broken bone because you refuse to let anyone else step in for the battle. What I'm worried about is you fighting on your broken bones and making them more damaged, and not setting them and wrapping them properly and resting them. Or even setting them wrong and breaking them worse later.

[parodeity]

What did you think about the eating thing?

[ it's a non-sequitur but he's not sure how he feels about what dirk just said, so he's stalling. also, that was what they'd supposedly planned to chat about. ]

[splinten]

[It does come out of left field, but Dirk is used to Dave dodging away before coming back to something. So he does answer, thinking it through.]

I was thinking that we should try to do it. I want to help you, but not so much that you can't take care of yourself either. So we could work together on it. Start with me nagging you about eating for a set number of meals, dragging you out or whatever. Then, when you feel ready to try for it, we could have it so you ask me to meals instead. We'll be relying on you to keep both of us fed. After that, we could have me check in on you to see if you've eaten meals we don't have together, so we're relying on you to take care of yourself but you still have me around to make sure you're doing okay, and to implicitly give you that permission. Then... maybe after a few months, you might not need it. But in times like this, when you have reasons to go back to how you were, I go back to checking in on you in case.

[Another pause. A frown.]

I don't know if that sounds idiotic because everything we do is idiotic, or if it's idiotic because it's a dumbass idea. I

[parodeity]

I would say we could ask Rose what she thinks, but I don't particularly fancy hearin' her talk about, like, what it says about me that I actually need permission to feel like I should be eatin' somethin', because I can picture most of it and I don't think I want to...hear it.

[ it was stupid enough admitting it, and he hadn't really wanted to do that. his arms are still crossed over his eyes, but he's relying on the tonal cues and sensing dirk whenever he moves to try to read his brother. ]

Talk to me about your problems right now?

[splinten]

[It's not a weird question, although the timing does catch him. He glances at Dave for a moment. After a while, he breathes out and just. Lays down in the sand, why not.]

Hinata called me out for being willing to tear myself up for the sake of people I love, so that was a slap to the hypocrisy. Roxy's trying to recover from her relapse. Jake blames himself for everything that goes wrong no matter how hard I try to convince him otherwise. I'm pretty sure that I'm the only thing keeping him from cutting and running, which is simultaneously a relief and a point of guilt. The aliens are unsettling me, and I hate myself whenever I take a break from working on that unless it's to do something for you guys. I'm feeling pretty helpless in the face of all of it and people keep telling me that it isn't my responsibility, which I know, and knowing that and feeling like crap anyway makes me angrier at myself.

There's probably more but that's what's on the mind.

[parodeity]

So I wasn't imaginin' that bein' a drunk Rose district moment.

[ he hadn't thought so, but also. he had no idea how to address it. he ignores the part about hinata because he isn't sure he should spend too much time discussing the guy lest dirk get the correct idea about how little dave trusts the dangan cast. ]

What's Jake blamin' himself for? We established I was in the wrong over the trust debacle.

[splinten]

[Joke's on Dave, Dirk has absolutely worked it out at this point.]

Yeah. I'm tryin' to help her right now.

[To the best of his ability, which he knows is not great, but he has to try.

To the second part] We didn't establish you were in the wrong the way you're meaning it. [HE HAS TO ARGUE THAT] But you and Jake have a lot in common sometimes.

[He feels like that covers it. What is Jake blaming himself for? Everything.]

[parodeity]

[ WELL, DIRK NEVER HAS TO HEAR IT CONFIRMED or realize it has something of an impact on dave's trust issues. ]

Okay. Let me know if you need, uh, anythin'.

[ awkwardly stated, because again: drunk rose district and his inability to ever address it, but. ]

We did establish that. [ DAVE WOULD ARGUE...THAT HE IS THE PROBLEM and has been repeatedly, but ] But if that's true, he can't have actually told you what's wrong. I've done my level best not to tell you everything.

[ there is no point in pretending that is not a thing so he may as well cop to it. ]

Or what particular thing do we have in common?

[splinten]

You both tend to think that you hurt others, and that the best way to not do that is to cut away from everyone else.

And yeah, he's been like prying teeth to get anything out of. He doesn't want to burden me with his negative feelings. He's convinced that they're what ruined everything in the first place.

[WHICH IS. AGAIN. A LOT LIKE DAVE.]

[parodeity]

[ dave laughs. he shouldn't, but. ]

So now neither of us want to tell you anythin' that's upsettin' us, instead of at least one of us doin' so.

[ it's the same kind of laugh that came after you're suicidal and i was abused. ]

For the same reason? Nice.

[splinten]

[At least Dave can laugh. Dirk's there is too, although briefer. But yeah, it's stupid.]

Pretty much, yeah. So that's awesome.

[parodeity]

You could just tell him the real reason, dude. I'm crap at the...Mom problem. But if it were me...

[ if they're so similar? ]

Ugh. Fuck.

[splinten]

If it were you that would not actually work.

[Admit it, Dave.]

[parodeity]

It wouldn't work if you were the one tellin' me shit, no.

[splinten]

Are you telling me that there's someone you'd actually listen to? [a pause] He doesn't really have a Rose equivalent.

[Is who Dirk assumes Dave would listen to if anyone.]

[parodeity]

I can only tell you what would might make me listen to you if it were flipped. I don't know Jake that well. I know Jade and John, but it ain't the same thing; it just means I'd be suspicious if he smiled at me and said he was fine, and it was more Harley than Egbert. Not too sure how much body language he got from either of them. You have some shit from me and Rose, though, you know.

[ that aside. ]

So, pretend you promised me you'd tell me anythin' he had goin' on that you felt was relevant to me instead of the other way around, and it upset him because whatever the fuck, but despite not bein' happy with the situation he didn't want you to not do that because it would upset me and you both. What would you do next?

[ he could just

explain any suggestions he has in a normal fashion ]

[splinten]

It's Harley. [The smiling thing. But hm. Dave proposes this and he goes, well. It's the obvious thing.]

Try to get you two to actually talk to each other. Decide I'm a fuckin' idiot when that goes south because neither of you are good at being honest and both of you are quick enough to at least doubt that the other is telling the truth.

Lie down, contemplate the warm embrace of lava.

[ok that last part is being dramatic....ish]

[parodeity]

I assumed so. I meant that I can tell a real Harleybert smile from a fake one, dumbass.

[ and jade had them a little more often than john ever did. john, honest idiot that he was, basically never smiled unless he meant it.

dave has always kind of admired that about john. ]

Are you feeling suicidal right now?

[splinten]

Less suicidal than kinda exhausted and angry at myself.

[Which.

Oh. Right.]

They're sort of preconditions, but it isn't there yet.

[parodeity]

I was gonna say you haven't tried to get us to talk to one another, but you wanted me to talk to him about you movin' out. Which I am still solidly refusin' to do, by the way.

[ ...

helpful ]

Why the fuck are you angry at yourself?

[splinten]

Because I can't even help you!

[that was. louder than it should've been. whoops.

He withdraws another sweater from his sylladex (he has too many) and drops it over his face. Much better.]

[parodeity]

It's not your responsibility to help me. And which...part are you even referrin' to here.

[ just. to clarify. ]

[splinten]

[He. has to tug the sweater off his face. This dramatic gesture was more effective in his head.]

It ain't my responsibility but it's a thing I want to do. You keep cuttin' yourself off from us, and I know that isn't good for you or us but the only time I can ever convince you to try not to is when you think you have to make the sacrifice of pretending not to cut yourself off. Which is a manipulative way to get you to open up, and not actually what I want, because all that'll do is set your damn splintered bone wrong and it won't heal right if it heals at all.

And I keep thinking maybe I should just stop? Maybe all of this is selfish. Maybe you don't need to trust me, it isn't important for you, it could just be me wanting to be trusted and I'm twisting your arm trying to get you to give me the closeness I want out of you instead of, you know, caring about what you need and working to help that. Only I don't think I am, but maybe I'm convincing myself I'm not. It's like no matter what I do, I'm definitely an asshole, which is an idiotically egocentric perspective to take, but what a fuckin' surprise: Dirk Strider is a narcissist especially in his self-loathing. That one really came out of left goal.

[He drops the sweater back down on his face.]

Godfuckingdammit.

[parodeity]

[ he remembers admitting to missing being friends with his now ex-boyfriend, months earlier, and having the question of whether or not that was true thrown back in his face days earlier. ]

I miss you.

[ it's true. he just has no idea how to bridge the gap of not trusting dirk like he did before. ]

But our relationship isn't just about us any longer. When we first got here it could be and we just...lived in one another's pockets for the longest time, I guess, but. We can't go back to that. And whatever new thing you keep talkin' about buildin' out of the ashes will take time. Not the kind I fuck with, but actual chronological time.

[ he's said again and again it won't be the same, and this is what he means: a thousand other people have claims on dirk's trust, and dave will never challenge any of those. but he knows they exist, and trusting dirk on some things means trusting a bunch of other people, too, now. or it seems like that. ]

I...do you want to stop? We can have this, or build your new thing, or whatever you want.

[splinten]

[Dirk breathes. Dave misses him, and Dirk misses him too.

He should probably put the sweater away.

Another breath, and Dirk does, pulling himself up to a sitting position.]

I miss you too. Maybe the dumbest thing is, after all this, I'm not scared of losing you anymore, not truly. Sometimes I get scared about it, but I still get scared of losing Jake, too, and I know we'll survive anything. But, uh... all this, lately, has made me pretty confident that we could work something out if we keep trying at it. You're right that it took time, but that's okay. Fixin' things with Jake took time and we're still not all repaired yet. I can take that time. I'm too good at reading you, and too damn stubborn to let you cut me off, and I think you love me enough that we can do this, eventually, the right way.

I think I need to put more into it than I was. More might be the wrong word. Some different things? More of this. [He gestures vaguely at himself. All the feelings he has been dumping out lately.] Maybe other things. It's something I'm working out. Whatever we work out together. [always together, always insisting on we instead of his thing because he wants it to be theirs]