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[parodeity]

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[parodeity]

[ dave laughs. he shouldn't, but. ]

So now neither of us want to tell you anythin' that's upsettin' us, instead of at least one of us doin' so.

[ it's the same kind of laugh that came after you're suicidal and i was abused. ]

For the same reason? Nice.

[splinten]

[At least Dave can laugh. Dirk's there is too, although briefer. But yeah, it's stupid.]

Pretty much, yeah. So that's awesome.

[parodeity]

You could just tell him the real reason, dude. I'm crap at the...Mom problem. But if it were me...

[ if they're so similar? ]

Ugh. Fuck.

[splinten]

If it were you that would not actually work.

[Admit it, Dave.]

[parodeity]

It wouldn't work if you were the one tellin' me shit, no.

[splinten]

Are you telling me that there's someone you'd actually listen to? [a pause] He doesn't really have a Rose equivalent.

[Is who Dirk assumes Dave would listen to if anyone.]

[parodeity]

I can only tell you what would might make me listen to you if it were flipped. I don't know Jake that well. I know Jade and John, but it ain't the same thing; it just means I'd be suspicious if he smiled at me and said he was fine, and it was more Harley than Egbert. Not too sure how much body language he got from either of them. You have some shit from me and Rose, though, you know.

[ that aside. ]

So, pretend you promised me you'd tell me anythin' he had goin' on that you felt was relevant to me instead of the other way around, and it upset him because whatever the fuck, but despite not bein' happy with the situation he didn't want you to not do that because it would upset me and you both. What would you do next?

[ he could just

explain any suggestions he has in a normal fashion ]

[splinten]

It's Harley. [The smiling thing. But hm. Dave proposes this and he goes, well. It's the obvious thing.]

Try to get you two to actually talk to each other. Decide I'm a fuckin' idiot when that goes south because neither of you are good at being honest and both of you are quick enough to at least doubt that the other is telling the truth.

Lie down, contemplate the warm embrace of lava.

[ok that last part is being dramatic....ish]

[parodeity]

I assumed so. I meant that I can tell a real Harleybert smile from a fake one, dumbass.

[ and jade had them a little more often than john ever did. john, honest idiot that he was, basically never smiled unless he meant it.

dave has always kind of admired that about john. ]

Are you feeling suicidal right now?

[splinten]

Less suicidal than kinda exhausted and angry at myself.

[Which.

Oh. Right.]

They're sort of preconditions, but it isn't there yet.

[parodeity]

I was gonna say you haven't tried to get us to talk to one another, but you wanted me to talk to him about you movin' out. Which I am still solidly refusin' to do, by the way.

[ ...

helpful ]

Why the fuck are you angry at yourself?

[splinten]

Because I can't even help you!

[that was. louder than it should've been. whoops.

He withdraws another sweater from his sylladex (he has too many) and drops it over his face. Much better.]

[parodeity]

It's not your responsibility to help me. And which...part are you even referrin' to here.

[ just. to clarify. ]

[splinten]

[He. has to tug the sweater off his face. This dramatic gesture was more effective in his head.]

It ain't my responsibility but it's a thing I want to do. You keep cuttin' yourself off from us, and I know that isn't good for you or us but the only time I can ever convince you to try not to is when you think you have to make the sacrifice of pretending not to cut yourself off. Which is a manipulative way to get you to open up, and not actually what I want, because all that'll do is set your damn splintered bone wrong and it won't heal right if it heals at all.

And I keep thinking maybe I should just stop? Maybe all of this is selfish. Maybe you don't need to trust me, it isn't important for you, it could just be me wanting to be trusted and I'm twisting your arm trying to get you to give me the closeness I want out of you instead of, you know, caring about what you need and working to help that. Only I don't think I am, but maybe I'm convincing myself I'm not. It's like no matter what I do, I'm definitely an asshole, which is an idiotically egocentric perspective to take, but what a fuckin' surprise: Dirk Strider is a narcissist especially in his self-loathing. That one really came out of left goal.

[He drops the sweater back down on his face.]

Godfuckingdammit.

[parodeity]

[ he remembers admitting to missing being friends with his now ex-boyfriend, months earlier, and having the question of whether or not that was true thrown back in his face days earlier. ]

I miss you.

[ it's true. he just has no idea how to bridge the gap of not trusting dirk like he did before. ]

But our relationship isn't just about us any longer. When we first got here it could be and we just...lived in one another's pockets for the longest time, I guess, but. We can't go back to that. And whatever new thing you keep talkin' about buildin' out of the ashes will take time. Not the kind I fuck with, but actual chronological time.

[ he's said again and again it won't be the same, and this is what he means: a thousand other people have claims on dirk's trust, and dave will never challenge any of those. but he knows they exist, and trusting dirk on some things means trusting a bunch of other people, too, now. or it seems like that. ]

I...do you want to stop? We can have this, or build your new thing, or whatever you want.

[splinten]

[Dirk breathes. Dave misses him, and Dirk misses him too.

He should probably put the sweater away.

Another breath, and Dirk does, pulling himself up to a sitting position.]

I miss you too. Maybe the dumbest thing is, after all this, I'm not scared of losing you anymore, not truly. Sometimes I get scared about it, but I still get scared of losing Jake, too, and I know we'll survive anything. But, uh... all this, lately, has made me pretty confident that we could work something out if we keep trying at it. You're right that it took time, but that's okay. Fixin' things with Jake took time and we're still not all repaired yet. I can take that time. I'm too good at reading you, and too damn stubborn to let you cut me off, and I think you love me enough that we can do this, eventually, the right way.

I think I need to put more into it than I was. More might be the wrong word. Some different things? More of this. [He gestures vaguely at himself. All the feelings he has been dumping out lately.] Maybe other things. It's something I'm working out. Whatever we work out together. [always together, always insisting on we instead of his thing because he wants it to be theirs]

[parodeity]

I asked you to before sometimes but I figured you just didn't want to. Since you, like, didn't. I didn't want to push it in case you got annoyed.

[ dave shrugs, shifts his arms so they're crossed over his chest instead of his eyes, but he doesn't open those. ]

I...don't know how long it'll take to fix it. I know how long lots of things do take or will take, is the thing. I can time a lot of things to the millisecond, but I don't know the answer to this. There are...more factors. And some of them we're not gonna talk about. [ because, honestly, he doesn't...trust...dirk...enough to talk about them, it's kinda circular here ] I don't know if I'll trust you as much, or if I'll trust you less, or if I'll trust you more. I don't know if I can promise you one result over the others. I...can promise you that I'll love you?

[ that, at least, has never been a question. ]

I can help you try to fix the Jake thing. I can't, like, give you us right now. But I can try to give you that.

[splinten]

I love you too.

[It has never been a question for Dave, though it has often been one for Dirk. The reverse is probably true about Dirk loving Dave back. He keeps breathing, but he's frowning. His voice is quieter, unsure.]

Is this not us? The thing we're doing now. It isn't the ideal us, not arguing against that. But we're still... We're family, and we're talking. We're trying to look out for one another, and there are some things you can't say but you're working hard to say others, and so am I. We're trying to keep our relationship and make it better. We're brothers.

Does this not... count for you?

[parodeity]

It...does. That wasn't what I meant.

[ he's not sure what he meant, really, just - ]

I just. I do miss you. [ and maybe it's for the best he doesn't explain it further than that. ]

[splinten]

Tell me how?

[no, tell your clingy brother how you miss him. he needs it]

Uh. If you want to?

That was a dumb request.

[but is it as dumb as 'when did you first realize you loved me' is the question]

[parodeity]

It's stupid. I just, I know we can't be what we were before, but I miss havin' it there. But it's probably better it's, like. Not. And also I didn't trust it anyway, in the back of my mind.

[ so. ]

[splinten]

[It's fair but it hurts, that last part. Because Dirk proved him right. Because Dirk never should have proved him right.]

What do you want? That we had, or didn't have.

[parodeity]

I...think the question should be what do I want that we should get back.

[ he doesn't want to touch the things he has forbidden himself from asking for. ]

I miss touching people. Not...I don't actually miss - certain kinds of contact right now, but I miss like. Holding hands and hugging and shit. And talking about shit that didn't matter.

[splinten]

[There's a flicker of annoyance. And then a light:] Dave.

[He heard that. But okay, he'll do it for both of them.] I miss that too. I miss you coming to me with anything you needed, whim or important. [A pause] I know it's gonna take time, and it won't look the same maybe. But ... we're talking ideals. Jake's thing. [Hope.] So I'm going to say everything I think of.

I miss napping together. Calling you out at random hours. Meals together, and teaching you things and learning from you. I miss hanging out with you when you stopped time, and dumb movie sessions. Learning all the things you've named random animals and meeting all of your animal friends. I kinda miss P. Diddy and friends. [Weird Kharaa pals.] Just hanging out around you.

I'd like to tell you more of what's going on with me, and bring you more of my problems. I want to rely on you more, because I should, and so you can rely on me better.

[parodeity]

Some of it falls under "too selfish and unhealthy", dude. I already gave you one of those. You don't need the rest.

[ or at least dave is unwilling to give it.

he listens to the list, but ends up not commenting. instead: ]

You know you've helped me, right?