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Because it would be enabling it or something, was his concern.

[There's a pause, and a frown.]

Dave. You know I wouldn't ever talk to Hinata about anything related to you, or even feel obligated to talk to him about things like the Kharaa. The tower thing only came up because I knew you'd insist I talk to him. He isn't... family. [That's the best way he can describe it. There's family, and there isn't. Hinata isn't family.] You don't have to trust him to trust me.

[ dave...

does not respond to any of the last part, so. dirk can think whatever he likes about that, and he'll probably be right. or just dead wrong. IT'S 50/50. ]

Enablin' it how? I don't...Dirk, is it bad I don't...want to come back? I miss livin' with y'all, but - I can't decide if it's right or wrong to not want to live somewhere with people I don't trust. I did it for thirteen years. And I intended to...keep doin' it, originally? But -

[ but he'd snapped because suddenly he wasn't sure dirk had his back to a degree that would have allowed him to look past the fact he couldn't settle down. ]

You and Rose always tell me I have a right to...feel safe. I don't want to come back. I will if you guys think I have to, but I - I don't want to live with Bro again, or the feelings I had when I did.

[ he has literally offered to move back like 2 times in this conversation just to keep everyone else happy but yeah he doesn't. want to or plan to. it's not temporary. ]

I don't want to get used to livin' with people I don't trust. Again. Is this me reactin' too strongly, or is that...like, a thing that is valid to feel?

[ genuine question. ]

[Yeah he is assuming the worst so.]

That's valid.

[Dirk wants so badly to hug him right now. The only way it shows is in the grasping twitch of his hand against sand.]

You don't have to live with people you don't trust. It isn't good for you or anyone. It's more that what he said made me worry that if I moved out with you, you'd continue with the isolation you have now, the one that's even holding Rose at a certain distance.

[A frown.] I hoped it'd be the opposite. I thought that rather than isolating you, me joining you would make you feel safer, and we'd be happy hanging out together. It'd be easier for you to handle things since you'd know I have your back, and I'd feel closer to you despite our current issues. [Which is admittedly Dirk's own selfishness. He misses Dave.]

I'm not holdin' Rose at a distance.

[ he frowns. ]

I mean - I don't want her sleepin' over right now. But that's...you know why that is. Not that it particularly matters at the moment [ SINCE HE CAN BARELY SLEEP ] but she's not fast enough. And I don't want to trust her safety to her assurance that she's seen me have a good night, or whatever.

[ just in case. ]

But I've...we've been talkin'. Same as we always do. Some of it I just...don't want to talk about with her yet.

[ it's "yet" for rose, maybe. he's pretty sure she wouldn't bat an eye at anything selfish he told her, ever. so. maybe someday. but he doesn't want to hear her explanations yet. ]

The 'yet' worries me, admittedly. But... okay.

[If he's talking to Rose, even if it's on delay—if he'll tell her those things eventually. Then that's a relief. At least Dave has that. And Dave is talking to Jade, and that's a relief too.]

I just don't want to...say those things yet. I know she won't give a single fuck. If anythin', she would probably just offer to murder more people. Again. Most of her therapy somehow at some point seems to involve offerin' to kill people for me, it's maybe possibly concernin'.

[ it is absolutely concerning. why does he love her so fucking much. dirk might be misconstruing how much dave is talking to jade - he copped to the bro thing, in very sparse details, but didn't tell her anything beyond that being the reason he'd moved out in broad terms. he hasn't since told her anything else of import.

he still hasn't told anyone save rose he broke up with karkat. ]

It was for the same reason I called dibs. Back when I - that was selfish, too, but back then I could afford to be.

It doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

[Murder runs in the family.

The Bro thing is progress to Dirk; he didn't expect that, let alone more. The second part though.]

Why was that? That time you only said you wanted to call dibs before someone else did.

You'd disagree if you'd heard half her hit list. The people she wouldn't offer to kill for me comprise people from our universe and maybe Hotaru. And I'm not sure about Hotaru.

[ if rose thinks someone has wronged someone she loves, it's kind of a crapshoot. this list has absolutely included people dave knows dirk to be on good terms with. ]

Does it matter? As to - isolatin' myself. I'm still on this island. If I wanted to freeze y'all out, I'd be further gone.

It matters to me.

[It matters even more than Rose's hit list.

Which you know, his first reaction to any name would be 'What did they do' and then he'd probably agree so.]

[ silence, as he just lays there under dirk's makeshift umbrella thing with his arms crossed and his eyes shut and debates saying "no" again. dave considers the reasons to be taboo because they're too real and hurt to touch and they aren't fair by his standards. he doesn't want to speak them.

he makes himself say them anyway, because he'd promised he would make some sort of attempt at trusting dirk, even if for dave right now that means simply forcing the issue with himself. ]

I wanted what John had.

[ he has always wanted what john had. every idle complaint john ever made about his dad and his house and the inane boring bonding shit the egbert patriarch made john do. the boring suburban life with someone in his space who wasn't out to get him but whose biggest concern seemed to be shoving cakes at john on his birthday and trying to connect in ways that mostly failed but which simply kept being tried anyway. ]

Even if it was only for a little while, 'cause it was always only goin' to be for a little while before you - [ lost interest? until dirk wasn't everything he seemed to be but some universal gotcha? was taken away by someone more important than dave, which was easy since pretty much everyone could qualify for that. ] before you weren't mine on borrowed time. [ he says "mine" and makes a face because people don't work like that (except rose. rose is his, they died together and she's always, always accepted him at his worst like he has accepted her at hers. she's his person.) ]

I wanted to share your space and monopolize a lot of your time and fall asleep talkin' about bullshit if I fell asleep at all. And just do...things together. Dumb things. Not nose hair trimmers but like, less Egbertian dumb things. I'm not sure what the Strider dumb things would really have entailed except like, markedly cooler than - I can't even say that with a straight face, Egbert's shit was pretty fuckin' cool. I'm never tellin' him so, though.

[ movie nights or the stupid meals they'd had until dave fled or just - ]

I wanted to cram as much of it in to what time I was goin' to get so I had somethin' that didn't suck to look back on, eventually, when it went to shit. And I guess reasons other than the original ones, that are probably just as unhealthy and selfish as fuck? Like it's easier to sleep if you're around, especially in a combat situation. I wanted to ask you because I at least didn't want to lose - everything. If I had to lose the parts that mattered most.

[ dave shifts, drawing his arms back up. over his eyes, crossed over. ]

It doesn't really matter, dude.

Edited 2017-01-07 05:14 (UTC)

[It's a lot. And the second John is named, Dirk understands it, and everything else is just further illumination. It's just everything that he's afraid of.

Dirk lies back down again, although this time, it isn't a flop of despair. He shifts his hand, just a little. It isn't touching Dave's, since Dave's arms are at his eyes anyway. But it could be if Dave moved his hand over.]

Like I said, dude. It matters to me.

[Dirk Strider is very stubborn. And he loves his brother very, very much.]

I told you that I used to fantasize about some kind of, like, master-apprentice relationship with my Bro, where he trained me in the ways of the rebellion and I went down a hero like him. That was what I imagined for a brotherhood. Jane's life was pretty bizarre anyway because of the Crocker thing, so maybe I didn't have enough frame of reference for normalcy, or maybe it was how I read his persona over the distance of the centuries. But I just thought that'd be really cool, the kind of sibling relationship I wanted.

[The kind he thought about all the time, that he pretended he could have, one day. His hand doesn't move closer, but it does curl up. Dirk turns his head towards Dave.]

For the past half a year, I didn't fantasize about that at all. Now I just think about how much I want to do together the things we used to do.

[ dave's heard about what dirk wanted with other-him before. he's kind of never been sure if he can match up to it, so he's never...tried. ]

I just wanted to ask you to live with me because I wanted you to live with me.

[ he. sums up.

that's really the bottom line.

after a moment he uncovers his face again, turns his head and opens his eyes. ]

Even if I didn't sleep better or the other shit. I just. Wanted that to not stop.

Me too.

[There's a pause. Dirk... laughs? It's not exactly despairing or hysterical. It's just. This is dumb.]

Christ. How many seventeen year olds are upset because they can't share a room with their brother? Even when we're envyin' everyone else's normalcy, we are stupidly weird.

[ ... ]

I was goin' to insist you make bunk beds.

[ back when he like. dibs'd dirk. for the record. look ]

I have wanted bunk beds since we started napping near each other.

[If they're admitting to this level of stupid.]

I wanted the bottom one.

[ important information ]

That's not a problem. I'd prefer top bunk anyway.

[This is not a surprise. Dirk likes high places.

It makes him feel tall??]

I mean, it's not really relevant.

[ CLEARLY. ]

We got away from the topic at hand. Uh. A lot of times. But the one which we were talking about before this.

It's worth talking about.

[Somehow, to Dirk.]

Which one? As you said there were a lot of times.

It hurts to talk about.

[ because it's not real. ]

About Jake. Your solution if it were reversed.

[That shuts Dirk up, at least for the moment. He lets the topic go back.]

You mean how I didn't have one.

You kinda did. You just didn't think it would work.

[ good because dave doesn't remotely want to talk about the whole living situation he is not allowing himself to have ]

I wouldn't believe it from you and I wouldn't believe it from him.

Yeah, I know. You wouldn't believe it from an objective outside party, in my experience, either, except sometimes Rose, once you're ready to go to her.

[So it does not feel like any solution that works?]

He did tell me he wanted to talk to you. He was going to do it after his break. At this point, I have a feeling he won't try, for fear of making it worse.

I wouldn't want to either. [ or doesn't? it's easier to not talk to anyone and make things worse. he can't fend off dirk because dirk won't allow him to. but everyone else.

well. rose won't allow him to, either. ]

Don't want to. [ he adjusts the phrase. however, jake's break apparently resulted in the first suicidal text he'd gotten from dirk. if the question is what is he willing to give up for dirk rather than anything else, it means...a lot of the things he refuses to ever share because they might affect what dirk does in ways that simply aren't fair. or ruin things for other people.

it doesn't much matter either way when he can only think of one way he'd halfway buy anything jake told him in reversed situations and doesn't know if it'd matter at all to the other boy. it's probably best to just not get involved, and to make sure he keeps anything else in the future to himself so he doesn't interfere. ]

I might believe somethin' if I could use you as a lie detector, but yeah. Can't think of anythin' else. I'll keep out of his way.

[ the original reason for meeting up comes back. dave's desire to say "no" still exists, but the issue dirk keeps coming back to is dave not letting him help. if he lets dirk help on the shit that doesn't hurt anyone else, it should be enough to go on, and that might eventually get everyone else to just leave it be. ]

We can start the food thing whenever.

[It doesn't really surprise Dave. Maybe he could talk to Dave about it, but once Dave says he doesn't want to, Dirk is pretty sure it is done for. He can't make Dave do things he doesn't want, except apparently painful emotional conversations.

On that note.]

You skipped one of the things.

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