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[parodeity]

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[splinten]

We should maybe revisit the list. Those are still not things I ever plan on doing.

[Even more now.]

[parodeity]

I think a lot of the shit that I'd add would be shit you don't plan on ever doin'.

[ like. don't dress exactly like bro. he's pretty sure dirk would not do that. ]

But maybe we should make a new column, too.

[splinten]

[Heartrate up. Dirk tries to calm it down.]

Okay. Let's talk about that column.

[parodeity]

There's a "Dirk" column. There isn't a "Dave" one yet.

[ is what he meant. ]

I'd...appreciate it if you avoided a complete fashion copy ever, if you wanted a new item. Like. You can, but if we could like, just slot that in the list. Exact. For - reasons. [ i.e. don't wear bro's exact outfit ever for the love of god ] You know what it is now?

[splinten]

[A. Dave column? This seems weird. Dirk frowns, though not about what he says next.]

Yeah, like I said. I'm not going for polo and spats any time soon, or ever. For my own sake, I don't want to look like him.

What would we not want you to do?

[parodeity]

You. What would you want me not to do.

[ but okay. he relaxes a little at that reassurance although he didn't think it would be an issue. tries to think about anything else he'd even put on this stupid list. ]

The point of it was to let you know about stuff that I...wasn't comfortable with. There were subcategories, right? Don't work on, and work on. Um. I think the outfit thing can like, be in the don't work on category with puppets and snuff films.

[ that's fair, right? ]

So let's...just update all the categories and do ones for your side, too.

[splinten]

That... seems reasonable.

[Except. Except.]

Nothing I want is fair.

[parodeity]

That's my line.

[ so. ]

So, which side of the argument do you actually support?

[ tell or don't tell? ]

[splinten]

You're kinda ruthless, dude.

[He is just saying. He swallows.]

Let me... rephrase. The things I want aren't equivalent. I don't have a childhood development fear of objects or very specific situations. I wouldn't even be mad if you got into clowns. Seriously disturbed, but not set off by a trigger.

[Don't get into clowns though]

[parodeity]

You knew that already. And you don't have to tell me if you don't want.

[ he asked. he won't keep asking. ]

Uh, I can safely promise not to get into clowns, though?

[splinten]

I want to tell you. [He makes that clear at least. He does want to.] I don't want to trap you.

[And that's the thing? That's the scary thing. Trapping Dave. Holding him when Dave just wants to leave.]

It's my apartment, but it isn't anything in my apartment. It would be... the nothing in my apartment.

[He knows he isn't articulating it well but it is hard to say the words. Don't abandon me. Don't leave me alone. Don't stop seeing me. Don't hate me.]

I don't think I explained what isolation feels like to me.

[parodeity]

You haven't.

[ explained, he means. sometimes, a little bit, but never in full. ]

I don't want to trap you, either.

[splinten]

[He breathes. Tries to find the way to put it, a way that won't be misconstrued. Tries to make it make sense.]

Physically, the act of being alone is okay with me. I still get stressed out in crowded spaces. Parties are okay because they're limited, and I can control when I arrive or when I leave. On the other hand, several times in the cafeteria I couldn't handle it and had to leave. Referring back to the brain static thing, being around a lot of people feels like taking in too many radiowaves. Sometimes being around even just one person is too much signal to handle, too, if they're too much. It doesn't happen with you or Jake, and not with Roxy anymore. But it happens with other people.

[The frown deepens, and he looks at Dave.] Do you.. want to hear any of this? I didn't ask. Sorry.

[And now he worries it is all stuff Dave didn't want to know.]

[parodeity]

Yeah.

[ he'd wanted to know. dave's expression isn't a study in casual noncommittal reserve. it's a more neutral kind of calm without any effort that is his actual casual expression. he doesn't frown, but watches dirk and considers what he heard, slotting it away for reference. ]

Yeah, I wanted to hear it. [ he's not sure what to do with it, but he wanted to hear it. ] I can empathize?

[splinten]

Yeah? I'd like to hear about it. If it's okay? Before I do the rest of it.

[There's more. All Dirk has discussed so far is what isolation isn't.]

[parodeity]

I don't know if you noticed?

[ a shrug. his grip on dirk's hand is a little more relaxed. ]

I like bein' around people, mostly. But I also like to - I feel better about it if I have an anchor.

[ he spends a solid portion of any given group gathering anchoring himself to rose's side. he's done it to dirk before, too. just gravitates over and relaxes more as long as that's a thing he can do. ]

The reasons we might not always be thrilled about crowds or even one-on-one shit are different. But I get it bein' a thing.

[splinten]

I've noticed.

[He pays too much attention not to. He wanted to hear it from Dave, though.]

They're probably different, but yeah. That's why the idea of moving away from the base didn't distress me. In a lot of ways, I'd sort of... prefer taking a space outside of that area. Whenever I've felt things were too much in the past, I just went to the Aurora.

Which, now that I think about it, is probably not the best thing to do? I just didn't know where else to go.

[parodeity]

I probably don't have super useful advice there. I, uh, agreed? To not go places alone. Not anywhere...dangerous, I mean. I go visit Trousersnake or whoever sometimes. Otherwise I just check out in other ways, I guess, which you...should not.

[ also dave should not. but details. ]

It's hard to think of you wantin' time alone, I guess, because you never...do that. Around me. You've never told me to fuck off or given an indication that would be preferable? Or that it was too much.

[ kind of like how it's impossible to consider dirk not being capable of smiling or laughter. he has a biased view of things. so: ]

So, I always figured you liked being around people.

[splinten]

[That's... kinda funny. Dirk is amused, in that light way of his.]

Dude. I like being around you. People, I could probably do with some more space from.

[parodeity]

It's possible your taste is abysmal. I mean, we knew that. You don't normally dress half this nice.

[ he feels like he should ask for a selfie or something to document this occasion but also, it has felt mostly inappropriate the entire time. ]

[splinten]

You were being an ass about toesocks.

[So he dressed fancy.]

The point is that sometimes I need to get away from people, but you aren't people. Having you in my space is reassuring instead of draining.

[parodeity]

What am I if I'm not a person? A cat?

[ that's not what dirk meant and he knows it. dave doesn't make the connection, verbally, that this is part of why living with dirk is less scary than other people. he's not a person, either. ]

Was that everything you had to say about isolation?

[splinten]

If I don't leave space for you on my desk, you just knock things off.

[SO. YES? DAVE, YOU ARE A CAT.

But Dave points to the rest of it. And it's hard, because he doesn't know how to put it. He doesn't know how to not make it a trap.]

Isolation is... it isn't a choice I get to make. I don't get to decide if I reach out a hand or not. I don't get to chose between talking to someone or not talking. No one forces me to talk, it isn't that isolation is having other people's company imposed on me. I mean it isn't a choice because it just isn't possible.

I don't know how much sense that makes. It's the lack of choice but it's because the options just aren't there.. It's... me building robots and pretending Cal is a real person, because I didn't have Pesterchum and I didn't understand Derse, so I had to make my own friends. You can reach out a hand but there isn't even anyone there to refuse you.

[parodeity]

Then stop puttin' stuff in my space.

[ oBVIOUSLY.

there's still no twist of the lips - at least not after his annoyed order to not. put stuff in his spot. but after that everything smooths out again, and dave just. thinks.

he's not sure what he thinks, but he tries to look at the picture dirk is painting all the same. ]

What was your apartment like? You saw mine. Not my room, but - the parts that mattered.

[splinten]

Uh. [He thinks about it. Wants to describe it. Keeps hitting how boring it was.] I could... show you? It'd probably bore you.

[It's empty and lonely and nothing he ever did made it less of either.]