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[parodeity]

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[parodeity]

[ dave considers the fact he should stop trying to help because clearly he is not emotionally competent enough for it ]

I meant - [ he's not sure what dirk wants to hear. he's almost never sure these days. granted, he never knew what bro wanted to hear, either. nothing that dave had ever managed to say?

dave falls quiet, stymied by his own lack of understanding. he can't see a clear way into not making the problems he's caused worse. or the ones he didn't. it's the same fear that kept him from ever outright acknowledging rose was drinking.

he settles for a true statement that usually doesn't incite anything on either side. ]

I love you. [ it feels pathetic that he can't manage to figure out the right words aside from those. ] I'm sorry I suck?

[splinten]

I love you and am sorry I suck too.

[At least they have that. Love, and mutual awareness of their fuckedupness.]

Am I hurting you? Am I pushing you when what you really need me to do is back off.

[parodeity]

What? No. I'm the only person who's hurt me in the past few months.

[ dirk can't call dibs on that. ]

[splinten]

That is definitely not true. I've seen the way you've reacted to some of the things I've said.

[There's a pause. He starts. Laughing again? He puts his free hand over his face.]

Jesus fuckin' Christ, I can't even not push when I'm asking if I need to not push. Why am I fuckin' like this?

[parodeity]

It is true.

[ if shit hurts him it's only because he's fucked up enough to let it. therefore, his fault. ]

Dirk. Do you remember the list of shit we agreed you wouldn't do?

[splinten]

Which list.

[There are so many lists. And recaps. And agreements. They are Messes.]

[parodeity]

The one we made up of stuff I absolutely don't want you to do, ever.

[ ... ]

It involved not attackin' me with puppets.

[ that was. the item on the list he remembers being firmest about.

he hadn't put dirk nagging him on the list. ]

[splinten]

I remember that list. No puppet attacks, no snuff films. [Which. Makes even more disgusting sense now. In the blender with Billy the Puppet watching? Christ.]

[parodeity]

Right. Would it help if we revisited that list?

[ god it was a stupid list but. ]

Uh, I do not want to remove either of those items from it. For the record. Not that I think it is a concern? But if you want to know shit I am absolutely fuckin' against, those are pretty damn well near the top of it.

[splinten]

We should maybe revisit the list. Those are still not things I ever plan on doing.

[Even more now.]

[parodeity]

I think a lot of the shit that I'd add would be shit you don't plan on ever doin'.

[ like. don't dress exactly like bro. he's pretty sure dirk would not do that. ]

But maybe we should make a new column, too.

[splinten]

[Heartrate up. Dirk tries to calm it down.]

Okay. Let's talk about that column.

[parodeity]

There's a "Dirk" column. There isn't a "Dave" one yet.

[ is what he meant. ]

I'd...appreciate it if you avoided a complete fashion copy ever, if you wanted a new item. Like. You can, but if we could like, just slot that in the list. Exact. For - reasons. [ i.e. don't wear bro's exact outfit ever for the love of god ] You know what it is now?

[splinten]

[A. Dave column? This seems weird. Dirk frowns, though not about what he says next.]

Yeah, like I said. I'm not going for polo and spats any time soon, or ever. For my own sake, I don't want to look like him.

What would we not want you to do?

[parodeity]

You. What would you want me not to do.

[ but okay. he relaxes a little at that reassurance although he didn't think it would be an issue. tries to think about anything else he'd even put on this stupid list. ]

The point of it was to let you know about stuff that I...wasn't comfortable with. There were subcategories, right? Don't work on, and work on. Um. I think the outfit thing can like, be in the don't work on category with puppets and snuff films.

[ that's fair, right? ]

So let's...just update all the categories and do ones for your side, too.

[splinten]

That... seems reasonable.

[Except. Except.]

Nothing I want is fair.

[parodeity]

That's my line.

[ so. ]

So, which side of the argument do you actually support?

[ tell or don't tell? ]

[splinten]

You're kinda ruthless, dude.

[He is just saying. He swallows.]

Let me... rephrase. The things I want aren't equivalent. I don't have a childhood development fear of objects or very specific situations. I wouldn't even be mad if you got into clowns. Seriously disturbed, but not set off by a trigger.

[Don't get into clowns though]

[parodeity]

You knew that already. And you don't have to tell me if you don't want.

[ he asked. he won't keep asking. ]

Uh, I can safely promise not to get into clowns, though?

[splinten]

I want to tell you. [He makes that clear at least. He does want to.] I don't want to trap you.

[And that's the thing? That's the scary thing. Trapping Dave. Holding him when Dave just wants to leave.]

It's my apartment, but it isn't anything in my apartment. It would be... the nothing in my apartment.

[He knows he isn't articulating it well but it is hard to say the words. Don't abandon me. Don't leave me alone. Don't stop seeing me. Don't hate me.]

I don't think I explained what isolation feels like to me.

[parodeity]

You haven't.

[ explained, he means. sometimes, a little bit, but never in full. ]

I don't want to trap you, either.

[splinten]

[He breathes. Tries to find the way to put it, a way that won't be misconstrued. Tries to make it make sense.]

Physically, the act of being alone is okay with me. I still get stressed out in crowded spaces. Parties are okay because they're limited, and I can control when I arrive or when I leave. On the other hand, several times in the cafeteria I couldn't handle it and had to leave. Referring back to the brain static thing, being around a lot of people feels like taking in too many radiowaves. Sometimes being around even just one person is too much signal to handle, too, if they're too much. It doesn't happen with you or Jake, and not with Roxy anymore. But it happens with other people.

[The frown deepens, and he looks at Dave.] Do you.. want to hear any of this? I didn't ask. Sorry.

[And now he worries it is all stuff Dave didn't want to know.]

[parodeity]

Yeah.

[ he'd wanted to know. dave's expression isn't a study in casual noncommittal reserve. it's a more neutral kind of calm without any effort that is his actual casual expression. he doesn't frown, but watches dirk and considers what he heard, slotting it away for reference. ]

Yeah, I wanted to hear it. [ he's not sure what to do with it, but he wanted to hear it. ] I can empathize?

[splinten]

Yeah? I'd like to hear about it. If it's okay? Before I do the rest of it.

[There's more. All Dirk has discussed so far is what isolation isn't.]

[parodeity]

I don't know if you noticed?

[ a shrug. his grip on dirk's hand is a little more relaxed. ]

I like bein' around people, mostly. But I also like to - I feel better about it if I have an anchor.

[ he spends a solid portion of any given group gathering anchoring himself to rose's side. he's done it to dirk before, too. just gravitates over and relaxes more as long as that's a thing he can do. ]

The reasons we might not always be thrilled about crowds or even one-on-one shit are different. But I get it bein' a thing.