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[ he'd talk if dirk asked or indicated it would help but thinking of it as "if it were me" he doubts it would. the most useful thing he can do is not add oil to the fire, which might happen if jake didn't listen no matter what was said. dave would feel cornered and like he wanted to bolt if someone he didn't know well started a conversation he didn't want to have about feelings he didn't want to share.

it's easier to just promise himself to not let on to anything in the future that affects more than just himself or dumb shit. ]

Which thing?

The thing about how you have bad problem-solving skills.

[You know.

The thing applicable to everything Dave is thinking right now.]

I don't think the food solution is that bad.

[ it's just dumb and kind of pathetic and he shouldn't have to ask. ]

In general. The thing I was upset about, with regards to me failing you on it.

[The actual reason he flopped on the ground to put on a sweater.]

Maybe Rose has a better way to put it, or a more accurate sense of what you need. I just can't help but feel absolutely certain that you not telling people when you have a problem or when you want something is only going to do more damage. [He reaches his arm up to the sky, and studies all the places he has broken it over the years.] But all the arguments I can come up with that might compel you are based in guilt, which is a kind of coercion. Manipulation. Something that would be terrible for us both.

The truth is that, though I know you hiding things from the concerned parties will be bad for everyone else in the long run, my primary worry is how much it will hurt and limit you. That unfortunately just isn't something you care about much.

It doesn't do either as much as sharin' shit would do. It hurts me more to have you and other people know I want shit or feel shit that I can't have or shouldn't want. I know you don't get that or think it's true but it is. I liked it better when you didn't know what I wanted with the tower. I miss when we could just...talk about stupid shit and not all of this. There's a guy limiting what he says to you because I couldn't keep my trap shut well enough or play it off smooth enough. That's worse to me than it would be if I were just rollin' along. I can't fix it so I won't hurt it worse at the very least.

[ because he's pretty damn sure he would somehow just based on his track record for the month. ]

What's hurting me recently isn't keeping shit from you or anyone else so much as it is the fallout of everyone bein' distressed about whatever I do share. Even if I'd done it - right. If I'd told you that I didn't trust you instead of not until we were arguing. Or not wanting...a lot of things. I don't feel...limited by not causing more problems. What I want more than any of the selfish shit is just to keep the peace.

[Somehow it hurts. Somehow it's needles, sharp points under his fingertips, somehow it's blades on the inside of his palms.

He puts his hands over his eyes.]

It's a false peace.

[It's the peace of a boy who never called for help while his guardian spent thirteen years hurting him.]

Then why does it always make me feel happier?

[ or at least...more at ease. some of the hard things have been better, but some of them haven't by dave's standards. things he wishes he'd never admitted to: wanting to live with dirk, not trusting dirk, being jealous of rin re: karkat when they weren't anything other than good friends, not wanting people to touch him though at least he thinks he didn't mind telling that to rose and jade, some of the bro shit he'd ended up telling dirk, admitting to ever wanting to go public to karkat, the part where he wasn't sure bro didn't have his reasons for hating dave.

it's the last one that makes his breath catch as he looks over, and after a second he reaches out to drag down the hand nearest to him. it's still awkward when he grips it, but it's easier if he's initiating it. ]

We can work on the food thing. [ should have been anyway, probably, but dave had never given it any thought in general. ] I want to work on the - touch thing again.

[ tangible things he can share, like some sort of peace offering. ]

Those are things I want. [ well kind of he's still "but does this ping control issues for dirk and is it fair at all it's probably not fair shit" re the food issue but. ] And I've said them to you, so - see?

[ just maybe let the rest of it go. ]

[It's so stupid that Dave holding his hand makes him feel better. It's so stupid, and it's so awkward, and it still makes him feel better. And he closes his eyes.]

I want them too.

[So desperately. So pathetically. He wants anything to feel closer. He'll take anything. But.]

Not as peace offerings. I'm not an enemy you have to appease.

Am I?

[Did he make himself one? Pushing and nagging, clinging, dragging Dave along. Did he make himself into an enemy by doing this? Is that what he's always been? And he wonders if keep the peace doesn't mean low crime rates and no public disturbances. He wonders if it means ending a war.]

No.

[ maybe? he's not sure it's how he would have worded it. ]

You're someone I love who I want to be happy. When you or Rose or Mom or whoever are happy, I am too. I don't let Rose talk to me about Cthulu for my health. Or, uh, I guess I do in a very circular fashion?

[ he casts around for something that might help. ]

Maybe me gettin' upset like I did with you was a good thing? You asked me to do that. I just didn't adjust the level. Now I can?

You getting upset with me is always a good thing, insofar that I appreciate the expression of the feeling, if not the fact that I'm its cause.

[He still has a hand but he doesn't know if it's a good hand. He's good at reading Dave but he isn't perfect and he isn't a mindreader. He is trying. He doesn't know if he can ever succeed.]

I think, though, that all my efforts have made you feel even more that you're on a battlefield.

I mean - you once got mad at me because I didn't get mad with you because you said I was holdin' you to too low standards. [ now he did the opposite with "too high". ] We can goldilocks it? It's progress?

[ it's some tangible measure of effort. even if it's - really stupid. he should never have taken "hold me to higher standards" to mean "rose". ]

Dirk, you're one of the people in the world who doesn't always make me feel like a combatant. [ sometimes? yes. frequently these days, although the goal of combat is to avoid burdening everyone else with...whatever. ] I told you that you've helped me. That's...one of the ways.

[Goldilocks it means lowering his standards. Dave does not mean it to, but it makes Dirk flinch.]

Progress is... not bad.

[But. Dirk is trying so hard here. He doesn't know. He feels lost.]

[ dave considers the fact he should stop trying to help because clearly he is not emotionally competent enough for it ]

I meant - [ he's not sure what dirk wants to hear. he's almost never sure these days. granted, he never knew what bro wanted to hear, either. nothing that dave had ever managed to say?

dave falls quiet, stymied by his own lack of understanding. he can't see a clear way into not making the problems he's caused worse. or the ones he didn't. it's the same fear that kept him from ever outright acknowledging rose was drinking.

he settles for a true statement that usually doesn't incite anything on either side. ]

I love you. [ it feels pathetic that he can't manage to figure out the right words aside from those. ] I'm sorry I suck?

I love you and am sorry I suck too.

[At least they have that. Love, and mutual awareness of their fuckedupness.]

Am I hurting you? Am I pushing you when what you really need me to do is back off.

What? No. I'm the only person who's hurt me in the past few months.

[ dirk can't call dibs on that. ]

That is definitely not true. I've seen the way you've reacted to some of the things I've said.

[There's a pause. He starts. Laughing again? He puts his free hand over his face.]

Jesus fuckin' Christ, I can't even not push when I'm asking if I need to not push. Why am I fuckin' like this?

It is true.

[ if shit hurts him it's only because he's fucked up enough to let it. therefore, his fault. ]

Dirk. Do you remember the list of shit we agreed you wouldn't do?

Which list.

[There are so many lists. And recaps. And agreements. They are Messes.]

The one we made up of stuff I absolutely don't want you to do, ever.

[ ... ]

It involved not attackin' me with puppets.

[ that was. the item on the list he remembers being firmest about.

he hadn't put dirk nagging him on the list. ]

I remember that list. No puppet attacks, no snuff films. [Which. Makes even more disgusting sense now. In the blender with Billy the Puppet watching? Christ.]

Right. Would it help if we revisited that list?

[ god it was a stupid list but. ]

Uh, I do not want to remove either of those items from it. For the record. Not that I think it is a concern? But if you want to know shit I am absolutely fuckin' against, those are pretty damn well near the top of it.

We should maybe revisit the list. Those are still not things I ever plan on doing.

[Even more now.]

I think a lot of the shit that I'd add would be shit you don't plan on ever doin'.

[ like. don't dress exactly like bro. he's pretty sure dirk would not do that. ]

But maybe we should make a new column, too.

[Heartrate up. Dirk tries to calm it down.]

Okay. Let's talk about that column.

Edited 2017-01-07 15:44 (UTC)

There's a "Dirk" column. There isn't a "Dave" one yet.

[ is what he meant. ]

I'd...appreciate it if you avoided a complete fashion copy ever, if you wanted a new item. Like. You can, but if we could like, just slot that in the list. Exact. For - reasons. [ i.e. don't wear bro's exact outfit ever for the love of god ] You know what it is now?

Edited 2017-01-07 15:47 (UTC)

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