parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 2.0;

It...does. That wasn't what I meant.

[ he's not sure what he meant, really, just - ]

I just. I do miss you. [ and maybe it's for the best he doesn't explain it further than that. ]

Tell me how?

[no, tell your clingy brother how you miss him. he needs it]

Uh. If you want to?

That was a dumb request.

[but is it as dumb as 'when did you first realize you loved me' is the question]

It's stupid. I just, I know we can't be what we were before, but I miss havin' it there. But it's probably better it's, like. Not. And also I didn't trust it anyway, in the back of my mind.

[ so. ]

[It's fair but it hurts, that last part. Because Dirk proved him right. Because Dirk never should have proved him right.]

What do you want? That we had, or didn't have.

I...think the question should be what do I want that we should get back.

[ he doesn't want to touch the things he has forbidden himself from asking for. ]

I miss touching people. Not...I don't actually miss - certain kinds of contact right now, but I miss like. Holding hands and hugging and shit. And talking about shit that didn't matter.

[There's a flicker of annoyance. And then a light:] Dave.

[He heard that. But okay, he'll do it for both of them.] I miss that too. I miss you coming to me with anything you needed, whim or important. [A pause] I know it's gonna take time, and it won't look the same maybe. But ... we're talking ideals. Jake's thing. [Hope.] So I'm going to say everything I think of.

I miss napping together. Calling you out at random hours. Meals together, and teaching you things and learning from you. I miss hanging out with you when you stopped time, and dumb movie sessions. Learning all the things you've named random animals and meeting all of your animal friends. I kinda miss P. Diddy and friends. [Weird Kharaa pals.] Just hanging out around you.

I'd like to tell you more of what's going on with me, and bring you more of my problems. I want to rely on you more, because I should, and so you can rely on me better.

Some of it falls under "too selfish and unhealthy", dude. I already gave you one of those. You don't need the rest.

[ or at least dave is unwilling to give it.

he listens to the list, but ends up not commenting. instead: ]

You know you've helped me, right?

Selfish isn't the same as unhealthy. They're sometimes even the opposites.

[Dirk is standing by that point. He pauses.]

I... can assume that.

[so, no]

These are unhealthy and the kinds of things you should hate me for. Like the tower thing. Which you completely fucked up on, since you just, like, tried to go along with it.

[ which. dave. admitted to wanting dirk to live with him. AND YET. ]

You said it like you thought you'd never helped me at all, for anything. I...know I'm fucked up as all hell, and I'm not in a good place, and I don't know how quickly I can be again when the root causes of some of the trigger shit are still, like, around and that ain't changin'. But I'd be in a worse place if we hadn't worked on shit. Even if I think I fucked some of it up or...used it wrong.

Kicking the asses of those aliens is still on the agenda. [Dirk's a good kid who has his priorities straight.] But... okay. I can believe that.

[He can accept that he is helping a little bit. Maybe not as much as he wanted. But some.]

And the tower thing... [There's a pause.] I've got a question for you about it. Why did you want me to come with you? I understand why you think it's selfish, and I'm still asking around to decide how I feel about that, but the principle is simple enough. Why is it unhealthy?

We can list the ways you helped later. But.

[ dirk asked a question, and dave doesn't really want to answer. still, he already admitted to the thing, so there's no harm in discussing it further. probably. his tone is extremely wary, however, in a way only dirk or rose might be able to pick up on. it sounds casual, but dave's too still to be actually casual. ]

It's unhealthy to drag you away from everyone else. You like bein' around people. Especially our people. It's...like askin' you to choose. That's a question that should never be posed.

[ that doesn't answer "why me". ]

[No, it isn't casual. And Dirk is trying, very carefully, not to be pushy.]

I'm not going to spring on you a demand that we do it right here and now. I'm still talkin' to people to get their feelings at this point.

It's totally bothered the people you've talked to so far, hasn't it.

[ dave mostly sounds amused and also. ha. he didn't get dinged on not explaining why, which is always a win. ]

Told you so.

So far, it's just Hinata, and he wasn't hurt. [A beat.] He was hurt when I admitted I'd considered ending our friendship, but not about the tower thing.

What he was was worried it would isolate me and not help you. [a beat: quickly] I didn't tell him anything about that. I didn't confirm anything either. I know you don't like him and it frankly isn't any of his business how it goes for you. We just talked about what it would mean for me.

[He didn't betray that trust. Please believe him?]

I'm actually not worried about being isolated when, frankly, I do not have the high tolerance for human company you seem to think I do. But the idea that I'd just be isolating you more is one that worries me.

It's why I'd like to know more about why you wanted it.

[when you think you got away with it but you didn't]

Edited 2017-01-07 04:01 (UTC)

[ dave doesn't move a muscle at the mention of hinata because he does not want to give dirk a single thing to go on regarding that. very noncommittally: ]

Hm.

[ there's no indication of what he thinks about what dirk was talking to hinata about, or where this falls on his internal trust scale.

wait. ]

Why would it be isolatin' me more if you moved in with me?

Because it would be enabling it or something, was his concern.

[There's a pause, and a frown.]

Dave. You know I wouldn't ever talk to Hinata about anything related to you, or even feel obligated to talk to him about things like the Kharaa. The tower thing only came up because I knew you'd insist I talk to him. He isn't... family. [That's the best way he can describe it. There's family, and there isn't. Hinata isn't family.] You don't have to trust him to trust me.

[ dave...

does not respond to any of the last part, so. dirk can think whatever he likes about that, and he'll probably be right. or just dead wrong. IT'S 50/50. ]

Enablin' it how? I don't...Dirk, is it bad I don't...want to come back? I miss livin' with y'all, but - I can't decide if it's right or wrong to not want to live somewhere with people I don't trust. I did it for thirteen years. And I intended to...keep doin' it, originally? But -

[ but he'd snapped because suddenly he wasn't sure dirk had his back to a degree that would have allowed him to look past the fact he couldn't settle down. ]

You and Rose always tell me I have a right to...feel safe. I don't want to come back. I will if you guys think I have to, but I - I don't want to live with Bro again, or the feelings I had when I did.

[ he has literally offered to move back like 2 times in this conversation just to keep everyone else happy but yeah he doesn't. want to or plan to. it's not temporary. ]

I don't want to get used to livin' with people I don't trust. Again. Is this me reactin' too strongly, or is that...like, a thing that is valid to feel?

[ genuine question. ]

[Yeah he is assuming the worst so.]

That's valid.

[Dirk wants so badly to hug him right now. The only way it shows is in the grasping twitch of his hand against sand.]

You don't have to live with people you don't trust. It isn't good for you or anyone. It's more that what he said made me worry that if I moved out with you, you'd continue with the isolation you have now, the one that's even holding Rose at a certain distance.

[A frown.] I hoped it'd be the opposite. I thought that rather than isolating you, me joining you would make you feel safer, and we'd be happy hanging out together. It'd be easier for you to handle things since you'd know I have your back, and I'd feel closer to you despite our current issues. [Which is admittedly Dirk's own selfishness. He misses Dave.]

I'm not holdin' Rose at a distance.

[ he frowns. ]

I mean - I don't want her sleepin' over right now. But that's...you know why that is. Not that it particularly matters at the moment [ SINCE HE CAN BARELY SLEEP ] but she's not fast enough. And I don't want to trust her safety to her assurance that she's seen me have a good night, or whatever.

[ just in case. ]

But I've...we've been talkin'. Same as we always do. Some of it I just...don't want to talk about with her yet.

[ it's "yet" for rose, maybe. he's pretty sure she wouldn't bat an eye at anything selfish he told her, ever. so. maybe someday. but he doesn't want to hear her explanations yet. ]

The 'yet' worries me, admittedly. But... okay.

[If he's talking to Rose, even if it's on delay—if he'll tell her those things eventually. Then that's a relief. At least Dave has that. And Dave is talking to Jade, and that's a relief too.]

I just don't want to...say those things yet. I know she won't give a single fuck. If anythin', she would probably just offer to murder more people. Again. Most of her therapy somehow at some point seems to involve offerin' to kill people for me, it's maybe possibly concernin'.

[ it is absolutely concerning. why does he love her so fucking much. dirk might be misconstruing how much dave is talking to jade - he copped to the bro thing, in very sparse details, but didn't tell her anything beyond that being the reason he'd moved out in broad terms. he hasn't since told her anything else of import.

he still hasn't told anyone save rose he broke up with karkat. ]

It was for the same reason I called dibs. Back when I - that was selfish, too, but back then I could afford to be.

It doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

[Murder runs in the family.

The Bro thing is progress to Dirk; he didn't expect that, let alone more. The second part though.]

Why was that? That time you only said you wanted to call dibs before someone else did.

You'd disagree if you'd heard half her hit list. The people she wouldn't offer to kill for me comprise people from our universe and maybe Hotaru. And I'm not sure about Hotaru.

[ if rose thinks someone has wronged someone she loves, it's kind of a crapshoot. this list has absolutely included people dave knows dirk to be on good terms with. ]

Does it matter? As to - isolatin' myself. I'm still on this island. If I wanted to freeze y'all out, I'd be further gone.

It matters to me.

[It matters even more than Rose's hit list.

Which you know, his first reaction to any name would be 'What did they do' and then he'd probably agree so.]

[ silence, as he just lays there under dirk's makeshift umbrella thing with his arms crossed and his eyes shut and debates saying "no" again. dave considers the reasons to be taboo because they're too real and hurt to touch and they aren't fair by his standards. he doesn't want to speak them.

he makes himself say them anyway, because he'd promised he would make some sort of attempt at trusting dirk, even if for dave right now that means simply forcing the issue with himself. ]

I wanted what John had.

[ he has always wanted what john had. every idle complaint john ever made about his dad and his house and the inane boring bonding shit the egbert patriarch made john do. the boring suburban life with someone in his space who wasn't out to get him but whose biggest concern seemed to be shoving cakes at john on his birthday and trying to connect in ways that mostly failed but which simply kept being tried anyway. ]

Even if it was only for a little while, 'cause it was always only goin' to be for a little while before you - [ lost interest? until dirk wasn't everything he seemed to be but some universal gotcha? was taken away by someone more important than dave, which was easy since pretty much everyone could qualify for that. ] before you weren't mine on borrowed time. [ he says "mine" and makes a face because people don't work like that (except rose. rose is his, they died together and she's always, always accepted him at his worst like he has accepted her at hers. she's his person.) ]

I wanted to share your space and monopolize a lot of your time and fall asleep talkin' about bullshit if I fell asleep at all. And just do...things together. Dumb things. Not nose hair trimmers but like, less Egbertian dumb things. I'm not sure what the Strider dumb things would really have entailed except like, markedly cooler than - I can't even say that with a straight face, Egbert's shit was pretty fuckin' cool. I'm never tellin' him so, though.

[ movie nights or the stupid meals they'd had until dave fled or just - ]

I wanted to cram as much of it in to what time I was goin' to get so I had somethin' that didn't suck to look back on, eventually, when it went to shit. And I guess reasons other than the original ones, that are probably just as unhealthy and selfish as fuck? Like it's easier to sleep if you're around, especially in a combat situation. I wanted to ask you because I at least didn't want to lose - everything. If I had to lose the parts that mattered most.

[ dave shifts, drawing his arms back up. over his eyes, crossed over. ]

It doesn't really matter, dude.

Edited 2017-01-07 05:14 (UTC)

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